This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania IV

– Live from Atlantic City, NJ.

– Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Jesse Ventura. Ah, those were the days.

– With Wrestlemania XX being slotted for a four-hour show, I figured we might as well take a look at the first time a show was scheduled for that long, and just how incredibly boring it could be. This show was of course set up by the infamous Andre the Giant title win and twin referees, featuring a 14-man tournament for the WWF title. The show is in the Trump Plaza Convention Center, which is less of an arena than a giant bingo hall, which makes for a bizarre atmosphere, to say the least.

– Opening match: A Battle Royale. Who the f*ck opens a major show with a battle royale? If ever there was a cheap way to get everyone a piece of the gate, this is it. We’ve got the Hart Foundation, Young Stallions, Sika, Danny Davis, The Killer Bees, Bad News Brown, Sam Houston, The Rougeau Brothers, Ken Patera, Ron Bass, Junkfood Dog, The Bolsheviks, Hillbilly Jim, Harley Race and George ‘The Animal’ Steele. The usual donnybrook to start, as Steele just stands outside and pulls at legs randomly. First man out is Sam Houston, via Danny Davis. Talk about your bad exits. Sika goes quickly as well. I forget if he’s Rikishi’s dad or Rosey’s dad. Bunch of directionless punching as Steele still won’t get into the ring, and the Bees keep pulling themselves back in. Steele pulls Neidhart over the top to eliminate him. Ray Rougeau and Brian Blair eliminate each other, and Jim Brunzell also ends up on the floor in the process. Ron Bass gets dumped by JYD as the thrillride in the ring continues. Gorilla marvels at Danny Davis still being in after the grueling match. Yeah, 4 minutes in. Hillbilly gets tossed by Bad News. Paul Roma dumps Davis with a fireman’s carry, but Jim Powers gets tossed by Bad News. Race and JYD get into a headbutt contest, and that goes nowhere, and then Patera gets rid of both Russians, but Bad News dumps him from behind. Jacques Rougeau is disposed of by Race. JYD headbutts Race right over the top, leaving us with a final four of Roma, JYD, Bret Hart and Bad News. Bad News quickly gets rid of Roma, but heel miscommunication allows JYD to hold off the heels. He headbutts both, but they regroup, pound on him, and toss him. Bret thinks that Bad News is gonna split the trophy with him, but he was kinda dumb in those days, and sadly he falls victim to a Ghetto Blaster (enzuigiri) and gets tossed to give Bad News the win at 9:43. BAD NEWS SCREWED BRET! This would actually kick off Bret’s babyface turn and lead to his singles career. I don’t rate battle royales, but this one was pretty bad. Bret smashes the trophy, then rams Bad News into his birthday cake and attacks him after signing the contract.

– WWF title tournament, first round: Ted Dibiase v. Jim Duggan. Remember the days before Dibiase had a theme song? The sad thing is that this was an AWESOME brawl in their Mid-South days, which circulated on a million comp tapes. They fight for the lockup to start and Duggan slugs away and gets an atomic drop. Dibiase goes over the top on the melodramatic sell and stalls for a bit. Back in, Dibiase throws some chops, but gets clotheslined. Duggan pounds away in the corner, but eats boot on a blind charge and messes up the sell, as he’s out of position for Dibiase’s followup. Ted pounds on him and gets a lariat, which Duggan doesn’t sell properly. Must be stoned tonight. Dibiase hits him with an elbow off the middle and the fistdrop for two. How come no one uses that fistdrop anymore? Duggan gets a laughable sunset flip for two. Well, it’s the thought that counts. Dibiase hits him with a knee and another fistdrop, but Duggan reverses a suplex and catches Dibiase coming off the top. Duggan makes the comeback with a clothesline and a powerslam. He goes for the three-point stance, but stands in front of Andre like a MORON and gets tripped up. Fistdrop finishes for Dibiase at 5:01. Anyone that stupid deserves to lose. Fairly entertaining little match. *1/4

– WWF title tournament, first round: Dino Bravo v. Don Muraco. Muraco is managed by Superstar Graham at this point, before his relationship with Vince got REALLY bad, and he’s using ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ as a theme. Man, that’s one movie that Hollywood is probably tripping all over themselves to remake now. Both guys are roided to the gills. Guess it’s a special occasion. They trade shots in the corner and Muraco powerslams him out of there, and follows with a splash for two. Armdrags, but Bravo gets his own and drops an elbow. Gut wrench suplex and he stomps away, but misses a knee in the corner and Muraco goes after it. He keeps going with a spinning toehold, but they slug it out with forearms and both go down. Bravo throws the ref into Muraco’s path and it’s a ref bump. Bravo gets the sideslam, but the ref calls for a DQ at 4:55. That’s the fastest referee revival I’ve seen this side of Earl Hebner. ½*

– WWF title tournament, first round: Ricky Steamboat v. Greg Valentine. This was assumed to be a no-brainer win for the Dragon to set up a rematch with Savage. HO HO, silly us. Criss-cross to start and Steamboat gets his trademark armdrags and works on the arm, and slugs Hammer down for two. Back to the arm, but he gets some shoulderblocks for two. Steamboat goes out and skins the cat back in, and dropkicks Valentine from behind for two. That looked sloppy. Back to the arm, as Jesse drops the name of future Beyond the Mat documentary maker Barry Blaustein. Valentine comes back with chops and chokes away, then yanks him off the ropes. He drops the hammer for two. Steamboat escapes a backdrop suplex and rams him into the turnbuckle to come back, and grabs another armbar. Hammer escapes with an atomic drop and a clothesline, then works the throat over on the apron. Back in, he slugs Steamboat into the corner, but Steamboat fires back with some NASTY chops for two. A slam attempt is reversed for two. Valentine with the gutbuster and he goes to work on the legs, but Steamboat shoves him off into the turnbuckles. They exchange some primo chops, which would get over HUGE these days, and Hammer takes the worst of that. Steamboat gets two. Hammer goes to the eyes, much to Jesse’s delight, and gets a shoulderbreaker for two. He goes up with a forearm shot off the top, which somehow sets up the figure-four, but Steamboat chops out of it. Hitting the guy in the leg is usually advisable if you’re using the figure-four as your finish. Steamboat comes back with a back elbow and goes up with the flying chop, and that gets two. He rams Valentine into the turnbuckles 10 times and goes up to finish, but apparently his temper has clouded his judgment, because Hammer rolls through for the clean pin at 9:09. Valentine was pretty game for this one. This would prove to be Steamboat’s first swan song in the WWF, as he waves goodbye to the fans and leaves for the NWA. ***1/4

– WWF title tournament, first round: Randy Savage v. Butch Reed. First outfit for Savage tonight: Bright blue robe, fuchsia tights. Liz’s dress matches the robe. Savage dodges Reed to start, but gets caught in the corner, and Reed drops a fist on him. He pounds him in the corner and gets a suplex, and an elbowdrop gets two for Reed. Savage bails, so Reed necksnaps him on the apron and stomps away. Back elbow and Reed drops a fist off the second rope, but puts his head down and Savage comes back with some timely pugilism. Reed catches him with a lariat, however, and goes up. Slowly. Very slowly. So slowly that he has time to put the moves on Elizabeth, allowing Savage to slam him off the top and finish with the big elbow at 4:06. Basic babyface Savage match, as he gets pounded for a while and makes the surprise comeback. ¾*

– WWF title tournament, first round: Bam Bam Bigelow v. One Man Gang. This was shortly after Bam Bam’s big debut, which is why the result was so perplexing. I’m not sure what Bigelow did to screw up his monster push, but he must have done SOMETHING to piss off Vince. Gang attacks him in the corner and slugs him down, and then splashes him in the corner. Another charge misses and Bam Bam overpowers him into a splash for two. Crossbody gets two. Fistdrop gets two. Bigelow comes back with a clothesline and no one is selling. Bigelow finally headbutts him down and goes to finish, but Slick pulls him out of the ring and Bigelow can’t beat the count back in at 2:58. This was slightly ridiculous because Bigelow was clearly on the apron and the count should have been broken. ½*

– WWF title tournament, first round: Ravishing Rick Rude v. Jake Roberts. This was interesting, because the famous angle between these two over Cheryl Roberts was taped BEFORE Wrestlemania, but didn’t air until after, so really the fans were getting the blowoff on a feud they didn’t know existed yet! Rude overpowers him into the corner and does some posing to start, but Roberts faceplants him. Rude slams him and slugs away, but Roberts gets his own slam. Oh, cruel hand of irony. Jake slugs him into the corner, where Rude sees Damian and walks into an arm wringer. Jake works on the arm, but Rude slugs him down, although he is unable to break free of the move and Jake brings him down to the mat with him. Jake holds the wristlock and turns it into an armbar, but Rude brings him to the top and finally slugs out of it. Jake catches him with a kneelift, however, and goes for the DDT, but Rude slips out. Back in, Jake goes back to the armbar and they criss-cross, but Jake catches him with a slam, but whiffs on the kneelift and Rude takes over. Considering Jake nearly flew out of the ring on the missed kneelift, Rude should be glad it DIDN’T hit. The poor guy would have had a broken jaw from it. Rude hits the chinlock and hangs on through Jake’s escape attempt. Finally Roberts flips him off, but Rude goes up with an elbow and clotheslines him down for two. Back to the chinlock. Rude elbows him down for two and goes back to the chinlock, as the crowd is increasingly lulled to sleep. Jake tries to suplex out, but Rude hangs on. He turns it into a cover for two, allowing Jake to bail. Rude holds him on the apron and elbows him down, however, for two. Back to the chinlock. That goes on forever, completely telegraphing the result. Jake finally powers out with a jawbreaker and picks up the pace by slugging away on Rude and backdropping him. Short-arm clothesline sets up the DDT, but Rude powers him into the corner. Blind charge hits boot and Jake hits him with a gutbuster for two. Rude comes back with a backdrop suplex, however, for two. They clothesline each other for the double KO, but Jake recovers first. They head to the corner, where Rude gets two, and it’s a 15:00 draw, at 15:13. I guess the timekeeper was lulled to sleep, too. *1/2

– So your quarterfinals look like this:

– Andre v. Hogan
– Dibiase v. Muraco
– Savage v. Valentine
– One Man Gang – Bye.

– Ultimate Warrior v. Hercules. Ah, the days when Warrior was only considered vaguely weird instead of outright insane. They exchange shoulderblocks and get nowhere, and then fight into the corner with a lockup. Warrior throws chops, but misses a pathetic clothesline, and Herc puts him down with three clotheslines. Selling isn’t exactly Warrior’s strong point. Warrior fires back with his own, and then another one. I see where Batista gets his moveset from. Warrior misses a punch and Hercules dumps him, but gets pulled out himself and they brawl outside. Back in, Herc slugs away, but Warrior still won’t sell, and he fires back as they awkwardly fight it out in the corner. Hercules brings him out of there with an atomic drop, and dodges Warrior’s charge, setting up the FULL NELSON OF DEATH. Gorilla thinks it’s over, but Warrior pushes off and gets the pin at 4:35. That weak finish would be erased by Warrior’s monster push to come. DUD

– WWF title quarterfinals: Hulk Hogan v. Andre the Giant. The whole saga is recapped for those who need it. This feud is one of those cases where they started out with a bad match and got worse each time. Andre attacks to start, as vigorously as he could move by that point, and pounds Hogan with the CLUBBING FOREARMS. Having seen Hogan wrestle Big Show a million times, Andre really doesn’t look that tall here. Hogan fights back with clotheslines and goes after Dibiase, then rams him into Andre and starts throwing chops. Andre falls into the ropes and gets tangled up, so Hogan capitalizes by tearing his shirt off and posing. Well, no one ever said he was a great strategist. He slugs on Andre to no avail, and Andre finally goes down. He drops elbows, but Andre chokes him down on the mat. Andre is painfully slow here. Dibiase gets his shots in from the outside, and Andre chokes him from behind and turns it into a VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM. And we move to tape #2. That’s the worst tape break I’ve ever seen. Anyway, Andre continues choking, but Hulk miraculously comes back, which is a development I didn’t expect at all. Punch punch punch clothesline and Hogan goes for the slam, but Dibiase brings in a chair and breaks it up. Our combatants fight over it, and it’s a double DQ at 5:14, giving the winner of Dibiase v. Muraco a free trip to the finals. Horrible, horrible stuff, as Andre was obviously in no shape to be out there. -** Hogan, sportsman that he is, beats up Virgil and nearly kills him with a suplex on the floor because he didn’t want to go down with him. And then he slams Andre too. What a hero.

– WWF title quarterfinals: Don Muraco v. Ted Dibiase. Muraco brings him in with a slam to start and clotheslines him, and drops an elbow, and a powerslam gets two. He hammers away and gets a back elbow, then drops the Asiatic Spike from the second rope, for two. Snapmare into a necksnap and Muraco yanks him out of the corner and gets a standing dropkick for two. Man, Muraco is game tonight. Dibiase bails and avoids the wrath of Superstar Graham, but heads back in and Muraco slugs on him. Muraco whips him into the corner and yanks him out again, but Dibiase hangs onto the ropes and uses the leverage to pull Muraco into the turnbuckles. Now THAT’S smart. Dibiase chokes away and clotheslines him for two. Knee to the gut and the FISTDROPS~!, which get two. Muraco comes back with a kick to the head, but Dibiase slams him and goes up for Elbow That Never Hits. It doesn’t hit. Muraco makes the comeback with a nice clothesline as Dibiase bumps all over, but he walks into a hotshot and that finishes for Dibiase at 5:35. This was all a major style clash, with Dibiase bouncing off Muraco like a pinball, but Muraco seemed energetic enough to make it worthwhile. *3/4 Dibiase goes to the finals.

– WWF title quarterfinals: Greg Valentine v. Randy Savage. Another matchup you didn’t see much of. Savage and Liz now have matching pink outfits, and Savage has changed to the classic bright red trunks. Once he went to long tights it totally ruined his mystique. Valentine attacks to start and hammers away in the corner, but Savage takes him down with a kneedrop for two. Hammer quickly forearms him and goes up with a forearm from the top, and drops an elbow for two. Shoulderbreaker gets two. Valentine tosses him and follows with an elbow to the floor, and lays in the chops outside before sending him into the railing. Back to the apron, where Valentine hammers on the throat and chokes away. Back in, he works on the leg a bit, but Savage does a bit of damage control by making the ropes. Valentine keeps coming with a drop suplex for two. Backbreaker gets two. Savage suddenly comes back and gets the double axehandle for two, but chases Jimmy Hart and gets caught with a cheapshot. Savage blocks a suplex and gets his own, but goes up too soon and gets caught coming down. He tries to charge and crotches himself as a result, and Valentine goes for the figure-four, but Savage reverses to a cradle for the pin at 6:06. This never really got going. *

– Intercontinental title: Honky Tonk Man v. Brutus Beefcake. Sherri Martell is playing Peggy Sue here. You know, not to overthink the characters here, but did it strike anyone else as weird that Beefcake had an almost-sexual fascination with cutting other guy’s hair? I mean, here’s a guy who comes from San Francisco, and enjoys putting other men to sleep and then dominating them with a pair of large scissors, essentially marking his territory with a bad haircut. And this stems from having his hair cut by another confused, formerly-butch, wrestler in the form of Adrian Adonis. So is this like some kind of sick rape-revenge fantasy being lived out on our screens? And you thought Rob Feinstein was a perv. They fight over a lockup to start and Honky pounds on him, but gets his foot caught by Brutus, who atomic drops him. And then he MESSES UP THE HAIR. Oh, it’s on now. Back in, Honky wants to slug it out, but then changes his mind and hides in the ropes. Brutus rams him into the turnbuckles to take over and gets a high knee, but Honky bails again. Brutus pulls him back in and dodges a kneelift, but misses an elbow. Honky stomps away on the mat and drops a fist, and Brutus gives a goofy sell of it. Jimmy Hart gets some cheapshots from the outside and Honky goes for Shake Rattle N Roll, but elects to keep punching instead. Another try, but it’s too close to the ropes and Brutus hangs on to block. Beefcake fights back and backdrops him, and Honky begs off from this flurry of offense, but it’s NO MERCY from Beefcake, as he hooks the sleeper. It’s not looking good, so Jimmy Hart waffles the ref with the megaphone and Beefcake releases the move like a moron. Beefcake is more excited about getting a chance to cut Honky’s hair than winning the title, so he goes for his scissors, but Jimmy steals them. Beefcake chases him down and gives him a haircut, which shows a distinct lack of focus on the task at hand. Peggy Sue dumps water on Honky to revive him, and we’ll call it at DQ at 9:00, although the actual match was only 5:00 or so. Beefcake would get MUCH better in 1989, before the boating accident turned him into what he became later in his career. ½*

– The British Bulldogs & Koko B. Ware v. The Islanders & Bobby Heenan. This was the blowoff for the abysmally stupid dognapping angle, and Heenan is wearing a dog-proof suit. Once again, Tama (Sam Fatu) is the twin brother of Rikishi, although minus all the bulk at this point in his life. I stand by my assertion that all samoan wrestlers should be forced by law to carry around their family trees on a 3×5 card. Dynamite pulls Tama in to start and hiptosses him, but he begs off. DK slingshots him into the corner and out to the floor. Back in, Smith slams him, but misses an elbow. Haku comes in and grabs a headlock on Davey Boy, and they collide in mid-air and Davey Boy gets two. Slam gets two. Crucifix gets two. Davey Boy hits the chinlock, but he gets taken back into the Islander corner and worked over. He comes back with a press slam on Tama, but Haku comes in and pounds on him. Back elbow, but Koko gets in and takes both Islanders down with a headscissors. Dynamite clotheslines Haku, but walks into a kick in the corner. And that finally brings the Brain in, as he stomps on Dynamite and then tags out to Tama again. Backdrop on the Kid and Tama slams him to set up a pump splash, but it hits knee. Hot (?) tag to Koko, which the crowd doesn’t really pick up on, and the heels collide. Haku clotheslines him, however, and pounds away. So Koko is YOUR face-in-peril, as Tama goes up with a shot, and Heenan bats cleanup again. He stomps and chokes away, but Koko slugs back and whips him into the corner. Koko dropkicks him into the post, but takes too long and the Islanders jump him from behind. It’s BONZO GONZO and the Islanders drop Heenan onto Koko for the pin at 7:28. This went NOWHERE, with no flow to it and no heat on anyone. ¾*

– Jesse stops to pose for the fans, because I guess the show just needed MORE filler or something.

– WWF title semi-final: Randy Savage v. One Man Gang. Winner of this gets Dibiase for the title. Savage and Liz have matching purple outfits, and Savage has moved back to the fuchsia trunks again. They fight over a lockup to start and Savage hits him with an elbow, then necksnaps him using the beard for leverage. Gang powers him into the corner, however, and pounds away. He uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS until Savage goes down, and that gets two. Elbowdrop gets two. Big splash misses and a corner splash also misses, which allows Savage to come back with some fisticuffsmanship, and Gang bails. Savage follows with the axehandle to the floor, and back in he tries a slam, to no avail. Gang chokes him down while Slick puts the moves on Elizabeth (HIM she runs from, but Lex Luger she shacks up with?) and Gang tries to use the cane for no good, but alas the ref sees it and it’s a DQ at 4:12. I have no idea what they were shooting for here, but this obviously wasn’t it. DUD They would have a much better match on SNME a couple of weeks later.

– WWF tag team titles: Strike Force v. Demolition. Remember the days when an oddball, thrown-together team winning the tag titles was something DIFFERENT? Hard to believe there was a time when Demolition hadn’t yet won the tag titles, but here it is. They still have one of the greatest themes ever written. By this point in Strike Force’s reign, the pretty-boy act had worn thin and the crowds were ready for a heel team to beat them. I, for one, was cheering for Demolition vociferously at the closed-circuit location where I was watching in 1988. Smash pounds on Martel to a face pop to start, and catches a crossbody attempt, but Santana dropkicks them over. It’s a donnybrook and Strike Force cleans house and double-teams Smash with a clothesline. That gets two for Martel. The crowd is SERIOUSLY burned-out by this point, which was approaching four hours into the show. Ax comes in, but gets armdragged by Santana. Strike Force works on the arm in the corner, but Ax headbutts Martel and brings Smash in, who walks into a hiptoss. Back to Santana, as they keep switching off and stay on the arm. Santana tries a leapfrog and gets clotheslined by Ax from the apron, however, and it’s CLOBBERING TIME. Ax keeps Tito in the corner and they unload on him, and now the heel fans start making themselves heard. Ax gets a powerslam for two. Smash chokes away and they do some cheating, and it’s a suplex for two. By the way, I assume everyone knows that Smash is Barry ‘Repo Man / Blacktop Bully’ Darsow, but in case you don’t, now you do. Ax comes in, but puts his head down and Santana catches him with an elbow, but Smash smartly drags Tito back to the corner again. Tito catches a fluke flying forearm (with great sell by Ax), and it’s hot tag Martel. It’s dropkicks for everyone! He knocks Smash down and gets the Boston Crab, but Tito brawls with Ax, allowing Mr. Fuji to bring the cane into play. Ax nails Martel, good night, and we have new champions at 8:00, to one of the biggest face pops of the show. Standard formula stuff. *1/2 The Demos would reign forever, finally losing the titles 14 months later to the Brainbusters, who were busy losing the NWA titles to Barry Windham & Lex Luger at approximately the same time this was happening!

– WWF World title finals: Ted Dibiase v. Randy Savage. Thank god it’s almost over. Final outfits for Savage & Liz are matching white, and Savage is back to the red trunks again. Dibiase has Andre with him, Savage has Liz. Now there’s a mismatch. They fight over the lockup to start and Savage elbows out of the corner, but gets tripped by Andre. The crowd already can read 18 chapters ahead of the bookers and starts calling for Hogan. They exchange hammerlocks and Dibiase goes down, but Andre trips Savage again. Would YOU argue with him? Crowd wants Hogan again. Dibiase starts on the arm, but Savage reverses, so Dibiase rams him into the corner and pounds away. Clothesline gets two. Sunset flip is blocked by Savage, and he comes back with a clothesline for two. Dibiase takes a breather and regroups. He starts hammering on Savage and chops him down, and a back elbow. Another one misses and Savage elbows him down and necksnaps him on the top rope (with a great oversell from Dibiase), and a high knee puts Dibiase on the floor, into the protective arms of Andre. Savage finally gets smart and sends his woman to the locker room, sacrificing himself, as this gives Dibiase the chance to lay him out and drop the fists for two. Crowd knows why she’s gone. Dibiase hits the chinlock, and that’s Hogan’s cue. He takes a seat at ringside and Dibiase slugs away in the corner. Andre goes for Savage, but now Hogan makes the save. Dibiase clotheslines him and drops an elbow for two. Suplex gets two. Gutwrench gets two. Dibiase goes up, but gets caught and slammed, and Savage goes for the kill. Elbow misses, however, and Dibiase hooks the Million Dollar Dream. Andre gets a shot in, drawing the ref over, and thus Hogan comes in and blatantly cheats, hitting Dibiase with the chair, and Savage finishes with the flying elbow to win his first World title at 9:17. Definitely not their best match, as they were both burned out and surrounded by angles. **1/4 I don’t get how it would have been booked for the original ending – Dibiase winning the title – however. I can’t see them ending a Wrestlemania in 1988 with the heel winning, but that’s what was supposed to happen.

The Bottom Line:

A long, boring, dull, BORING show filled with C-list celebrities (Vanna White?) that was mainly there to serve as a prelude to Wrestlemania V and the HUGE money match that was Savage v. Hogan. It wouldn’t be until recent years, when fans were more open to seeing 20 minute matches on a major show, that they could properly run a four-hour Wrestlemania.

Recommendation to avoid.
http://media.insidepulse.com/old/columnImages2006/image31886.jpg

This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for WWE Wrestlemania V

For those who remember the fourth Wrestlemania as the WWE’s version of Heaven’s Gate in terms of length and money made, it’s got nothing on the fifth one for sheer length. It didn’t seem so long back when I first watched it, probably because I was only 15 and I had a much longer attention span for stuff like this back then. I originally ranted off the hacked-up Coliseum video version, which was missing an HOUR of stuff, so it’s nice to finally have the full PPV version in all its 220 minute glory. The length might be taxing the storage systems of 24/7, however, because there’s some pixellization every few seconds that’s kinda annoying.

By the way, if there’s formatting issues with this rant, it’s because I had to re-install OpenOffice when I upgraded to Vista this weekend, and I’m still working out the kinks and trying to get it back exactly the way I had it when I left it.

Live from Atlantic City, NJ, at Trump Plaza, owned by some guy who we probably will never hear from again.

Your hosts are Gorilla & Jesse

Opening match: King Haku v. Hercules

Haku gets an attack from behind to start and slugs Herc into the corner, but Jesse has no sympathy for him. Herc quickly comes back with a slam and faceplant, and a clotheslines puts Haku on the floor. Suplex back in and Herc drops elbows. Hercules, who was adopted by the MegaPowers shortly before they exploded, is like the poor kid left out in the cold in a divorce proceeding. I blame his eventual death on the angst caused by his abandonment. WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE GREEK GODS? Anyway, Haku comes back with a cheapshot and gets a backbreaker for two. He goes to a bearhug that I know for a fact was edited out of the home video version, so already it’s like watching the director’s cut of Alexander, as I appreciate the true genius of what they were trying to say with it already. It’s like Hercules is life, and the bearhug is modern society, squeezing the breath out of us every day, man. Herc powers out and Haku chokes him on the ropes, although I’m not sure what the allegory is supposed to be there. Herc comes back with a crossbody for two, but Haku cuts off the comeback with an elbow, but then whiffs on a bodypress attempt of his own. Hercules slugs back and gets a powrslam for two, but goes up and lands on a superkick. Haku goes up and misses his own move, and Hercules finishes with a backdrop suplex.

(Hercules d. Haku, suplex — pin, 6:55, **) They actually bothered editing that down for home video? Not a bad opener, but this crowd is not wrestling fans, it’s gamblers and businessmen.

Backstage, the coked-up Rockers give their motivational interview before they get squashed. Shawn’s voice is so wasted from partying the night before that he can barely talk.

The Twin Towers v. The Rockers

For some reason, “Jive Soul Bro” is edited out. Were they dumb enough not to secure the rights to their OWN music? The Rockers run away to start, and opt for a sucker punch before Shawn starts with Bossman. Bossman puts him on the top and bitchslaps him, but gets dropkicked for his troubles and Shawn hits both of them and runs away again. Over to Akeem, as Shawn mocks his dancing and then the Rockers trade off and work on the arm. Shawn has said in previous interviews that he was so drunk that he could barely stand up here, so I’d say he’s doing remarkably well thus far. The Rockers keep switching off on the arm, but Bossman gets the blind tag and they sandwich Marty to take over. Bossman gets the running choke and Akeem avalanches him on the ropes, which is ugly but effective offense. And now the Towers are all about the tag team continuity, switching off and splashing Marty in the corner in tandem. Marty fights back, but Bossman clobbers him down again and it’s over to Akeem, who accidentally runs into Bossman to allow the hot tag to Shawn. He fires away in the corner and the Rockers team up for a nice double shoulderblock that gets two on Akeem. Shawn walks into a clothesline and does a 180 sell off it, as Shawn is out to single-handedly steal the show tonight. Bossman misses a flying splash and Shawn reverses a powerbomb attempt with the help of Marty, and the Rockers team up for a pair of missile dropkicks on the Bossman as well. Shawn goes up again, but this time he falls prey to the powerbomb on the way down, and Akeem splashes him to finish.

(The Twin Towers d. The Rockers, Akeem splash — pin Shawn Michaels, 8:02, **) Shawn may have been wasted, but even at 25% he’s still got enough to carry things by bumping for three.

Ted Dibiase v. Brutus Beefcake

Odd that they never did a full-on feud with these two, as they seemed like they’d have a good dynamic together. Brutus attacks and hiptosses Dibiase to start, and follows with a backdrop that sends Ted out of the ring to regroup. Back in, Dibiase opts for the cheapshot and throws some chops in the corner, but Beefcake comes back with slams and it’s another trip to the floor. Back in and Dibiase tries slugging it out with Beefcake, but quickly loses that battle, and it’s Plan C: Virgil trips him up and Dibiase chokes him down. Well, as Jesse would say, win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat. Dibase pounds away in the corner and elbows him down as the crowd dozes, and the fistdrop gets two. Elbow off the middle rope gets two, but Beefcake gets a quick cradle for two. They fight over a suplex and Beefcake gets that, and they clothesline each other for the double KO. Dibiase recovers first with a suplex and it’s time for the Million Dollar Dream, but Brutus makes the ropes right away. Brutus comes back and rams him into the turnbuckles, and now irony strikes Dibiase as he falls prey to a sleeper. Truly epic. Virgil distracts him and Beefcake gives chase, which results in a brawl on the floor until the inevitable double countout.

(Ted Dibiase draw Brutus Beefcake, DCOR, 9:58, **) Technically fine, but the crowd was dead and there wasn’t any real flow to the match.

Meanwhile, Lord Al Hayes interviews the Bushwackers at the annual brunch, and hilarity ensues.

The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers v. The Sheepf*ckers

Jesse accuses the Bushwackers of being on “the juice”, although he’s referring to booze in this case. Still, there’s an out-of-context remark for you. Rougeaus attack to save Jimmy Hart’s jacket, but they get whipped into each other and bail. Raymond offers a handshake to Luke and then jumps him, so Butch runs in and returns the favor. Battering Ram for Ramond, but Jacques saves and they bail again. The crowd won’t even respond to the Bushwackers, which at least shows they’re intelligent. The Rougeaus get a quick double-team on Luke and Ray hits him with an axehandle off the middle, and we get a quick double-team clothesline for two. They do the abdominal stretch / superkick spot, and that gets no reaction from the crowd of corpses either. Bushwackers sneak in with a Battering Ram and double gutbuster while they celebrate.

(The Bushwackers d. The Rougeaus, Luke gutbuster — pin Raymond, 5:10, DUD) Wasn’t even much of a comedy match.

Mr. Perfect v. The Blue Blazer

Debut of the classic tights for Hennig here, as he had been wearing short ones up until this point. Perfect grabs a headlock to start and hiptosses the Blazer, and they trade slaps in the corner. Blazer reverses out of a hiptoss attempt and slams him, and dropkicks him to the floor, following with a baseball slide. To the floor as Blazer throws some forearms out there, and he works the arm back in the ring. Perfect tries his own hiptoss reversal, but Blazer does his classic block-and-reverse of THAT, and a dropkick and backbreaker gets two. Northern Lights suplex gets two. To the top, but a flying splash hits knees, and Perfect goes to work on the back. Perfect charges and hits boot, and Blazer follows with a powerslam for two and gets the nice belly to belly for two. Crucifix gets two. He argues with the ref, however, and Perfect clobbers him and finishes with the Perfectplex.

(Mr. Perfect d. The Blue Blazer, Perfectplex — pin, 5:51, **1/4) Not the classic I remembered as a kid.

And now, just because the show wasn’t going to run long enough as it is, Jesse stops to pose for the fans. I have no idea what the point of this was.

Speaking of pointless, let’s take you back to the annual 5K run, which Mr. Fuji cheats to win. Well, that’s why the good lord invented fast forward.

And speaking of fast-forward, here’s Run DMC, and there they go.

World tag team titles: Demolition v. The Powers of Pain & Mr Fuji

Oh good grief, we’ve apparently lost all the songs from the Piledriver record, as “Demolition” is wiped from history, too. OK, who sued and won this time? Ax pounds on Warlord to start, finally getting a teenie reaction from the crowd, and the Demos add a double-team beating and Smash chinlocks him. Ax adds his own chinlock. You know, they must have sweetened the video version’s crowd noise, because I don’t remember the show being this dead. I mean, this crowd isn’t popping for ANYTHING. Barbarian comes in and gets smashed by Smash, and axed by Ax. Smash elbows him down and they add a double-elbow, and Ax goes to the neck vice. Barbarian comes back with a chop to Smash, but Warlord can’t follow up, which results in the champs hitting him with a double clothesline. Ax goes after Fuji, however, and gets hit from behind to turn the tide. Fuji finally tags in and chops Ax down, then adds his falling headbutt. Over to Barbarian, who starts working the back and boots Ax down. Jumping clothesline and Warlord comes in and stays on the back, choking him down for two. Barbarian powerslams him into a Fuji flying splash, but it misses and it looks like the hot tag until Warlord cuts it off. Smash gets it anyway, although the crowd doesn’t care, and he clotheslines everyone. They clothesline him on the top rope and Smash gets two, but Fuji comes in, armed with salt. And maybe pepper, I’m not sure. However, it goes awry, and Demolition Decapitation ends it.

(Demolition d. The Powers of Pain & Fuji, Ax Decapitation — pin Fuji, 8:45, *) Well, this was watchable, I suppose. I can definitely understand the crowd apathy to the guys punching and kicking each other for 8 minutes, however.

Dino Bravo v. Ronnie Garvin

Jimmy Snuka makes an utterly pointless appearance after the introductions. Bravo attacks to start and chops Garvin down, and grabs a quick bearhug. Shoulderblock gets two. Garvin blocks a powerbomb attempt by slugging Bravo down, and a splash gets two. Sleeper and piledriver get two, and he throws chops in the corner. He slugs away in the corner, and Bravo brings him out with an atomic drop, and the sideslam finishes quick.

(Dino Bravo d. Ronnie Garvin, sideslam — pin, 3:55, 1/2*) Garvin seemed game, but this was going nowhere fast.

The Brainbusters v. Strike Force

Martel grabs a headlock on Tully to start, and then fights off a double-team attempt in the heel corner. Strike Force adds a double dropkick to put the heels on the floor, but Arn quickly regroups. Martel faceplants him for two and they fight over the knucklelock, but Arn catches him with a bodyscissors. Martel wisely tries to turn him over into the Boston Crab, but Tully pokes him in the eyes to break it up. Jesse’s all about that one. Tito comes in and it’s old double figure-four spot, which the Busters quickly escape from. Tully and Tito do a bridge/backslide spot, which gets two for Tito, and he cradles Tully for two. Blind tag, but Tito hits Martel with the forearm by mistake, and Tully dropkicks Tito to take over. Arn comes in and elbows him in the gut, but Tito fights them off and goes for a tag…but Martel is being a drama queen and selling the “injury”. Tito keeps fighting with a sunset flip on Arn for two, but Tully breaks it up and gets two. Tito gets a bodypress for two, but Arn slows him down with a rear chinlock. Tito fights out and goes for the tag again, but Martel isn’t feeling it and walks away from the tag. And the match. Typical Frenchman, running away from a fight. The Busters go to work on Tito. Tito fights them off, but goes for a monkey flip on Tully and gets splatted as a result, and it’s ye olde Spike Piledriver to end his comeback.

(The Brainbusters d. Strike Force, Anderson piledriver — pin Santana, 9:13, **1/2) This crowd is really bringing me down, man. This one actually seemed better in clipped form, with better crowd reactions dubbed in.

It’s late and I’m tired, so I’m skipping through the Piper/Brother Love/Morton Downey Jr. trainwreck. Hey, it’s my column. This was definitely 15 minutes that could have been excised quite easily from the show.

And now, a sneak preview of No Holds Barred. Thank god this is cut out of the video version.

Sean Mooney interviews Donald Trump, back when he was all wooden and couldn’t act. Oh, wait.

Apparently we’re in an intermission now, because we go into time-filler overdrive with a recap of the Megapowers angle and a rather lengthy Hogan interview.

Jake Roberts v. Andre The Giant

Special ref here is John Studd. Andre attacks to start and rams Jake into a conveniently missing turnbuckle, and quickly tries choking him out. Jake goes for the snake, but Andre grabs him in a chokehold again. Jesse has a funny line here, noting that David beat Goliath with a foreign object. That’s a wrestling mentality for you. Andre leans on Jake in the corner, which is about as lazy as you can get, offensively speaking. More choking and Andre uses his butt as a weapon, and chokes away again. Jake slugs back and Andre gets tied in the ropes as a result, which allows Jake to do his own choking. But not for long, because Andre is the master of choking. And choke he does! And did I mention the choking? Because there’s quite a lot of it. Jake comes back with punches and sends Andre into the bare turnbuckle, but Andre chops him right out of the ring. Andre won’t let him in, and the camera’s closeup of the ring apron reveals that they were so cheap as to recycle the skirts from Wrestlemania IV, simply by removing the “I” from the roman numeral. Studd and Andre get into a shoving match, while Ted Dibiase steals the snake, and Andre attacks Studd to draw the rather obvious DQ and set up the big feud that never happened. The recovered snake sends Andre fleeing.

(Jake Roberts d. Andre The Giant, DQ, 9:39, DUD) Studd’s face turn just didn’t work, and Andre was pretty far gone by this point.

The Hart Foundation v. Honky Tonk Man & Greg Valentine

Jimmy Hart’s team were not yet Rhythm & Blues, and this was just thrown together as yet another in the endless parade of matches to fill time before the main event. Bret starts with Honky and rolls him up for two, and follows with an atomic drop both ways to send him scurrying back to the corner. Hammer comes in and takes the atomic drop, and Bret dropkicks him, which sets up the pinball spot in the face corner. Nice timing as Bret whips Hammer and then slingshots Anvil in on the rebound for a shoulderblock, which gets two. Bret with the backbreaker and middle rope elbow, but it misses and Valentine drops his own elbows. They do some choking in the corner and Honk drops a fist and a series of elbows, and it’s over to Hammer for a top rope forearm and an elbow to the back of the head. He gets his own atomic drop and Honky adds Shake Rattle N Roll, but he allows Valentine to try the figure-four instead of pinning him. Bret thumbs the eye to block, so Hammer keeps coming with a gutbuster and brings Honky back in. Bret fights back with a crossbody for two, but lands on the floor when Honky kicks out, and it’s back to Hammer again. Bret tries a rollup, but actually just fakes him out and makes the hot tag to Neidhart instead. Shoulderblock on Valentine gets two. Nice clothesline gets two. Hammer thumbs the eyes to stop the offense, but Honky misses a fistdrop and the Harts go to work on him, as Bret drops his elbow and adds a suplex for two. Valentine saves and cleans house, but Neidhart steals the megaphone and Bret nails Honky Tonk with it to finish. Bret screwed Wayne Ferris!

(The Hart Foundation d. Honky Tonk & Valentine, Bret megaphone — pin Honky, 7:39, **1/2) This was actually quite a solid tag match in its uncut form, although the finish should have been stronger.

WWF Intercontinental title: Ultimate Warrior v. Rick Rude

Common sense at the time said that Warrior squashes him like a bug, but in hindsight Rude needed to go over in order to get to the next level. Rude tries to knee Warrior in the gut on the way in, but Warrior is still wearing the belt and thus outsmarts him. Warrior tosses Rude around like a ragdoll as Rude is all about the bumps tonight, and the crowd FINALLY wakes up. Warrior smartly opts to whip Rude into the corners without following up by charging, and then calmly bearhugs him. He’s thinking for once. Rude goes to the eyes to break and then scoots up top with a missile dropkick, but Warrior no-sells and slams him instead. Man, Rude is just bouncing around out there like a superball tonight. Back to the bearhug, but this time the ref prevents Rude from going to the eyes,which offends Jesse on several levels. Finally Rude slugs out on his own merits, so Warrior bites him and adds a backdrop. Big splash hits knee, however, and Rude takes over. Piledriver gets two for Rude. Sadly, his back is so injured that he can’t even swivel. Clothesline gets two. Russian legsweep gets two. Rude goes to a surfboard, but Warrior fights to the ropes and hulks up. Shoulderblock and faceplant set up a backbreaker, and he follows with a clothesline after a weird blown spot in the corner. He goes back to whipping Rude around, this time following up with a charge, and missing as a result. Rude goes for the Rude Awakening, but Warrior powers out of it and clotheslines him again. Rude bails and Warrior sends him back in, then dumps him with a clothesline. He suplexes Rude back in, but Heenan grabs the foot for the famous finish, and we have an upset, to the delight of Jesse.

(Rick Rude d. Ultimate Warrior, outside interference — pin, 9:41, ***) They would have better matches, but this was the first sign that Rude was more than the pretty boy arrogant heel in the ring, as he more than carried his end of the match and actually got the crowd into it.

Bad News Brown v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

To put this in perspective, we are now at the three hour mark for the show, which is beyond all sanity for a crowd this dead with an undercard this meaningless. Brown attacks to start, but Duggan slugs back and clotheslines him out of the ring. Brown regroups and lays Duggan out with a forearm back in the ring, and slugs away in the corner. Duggan fires back with shoulders in the corner, so Brown slugs him down again. They brawl outside as Jesse notes that if one of them tries a hold, they might win it. Brown wins that fight and tries the Ghetto Blaster, but Duggan comes back with the three-point stance and they fight outside again, as Brown grabs a chair and Duggan grabs his 2×4.

(Jim Duggan draw Bad News Brown, DDQ, 3:46, 1/2*) C’mon, just get to the main event already.

Red Rooster v. Bobby Heenan

One last quickie before the match people actually paid to see. I think someone should sue and make them dub out the Rooster’s ridiculous theme song. Rooster whips Bobby into the corner and pins him.

(Red Rooster d. Bobby Heenan, corner whip — pin, 0:28, DUD) This was what it was.

WWF World title: Randy Savage v. Hulk Hogan
This of course was the biggest match in the history of history at that point, drawing millions of dollars on PPV after being built up for years. Savage dodges Hogan and plays some mindgames to start, and Hogan overpowers him on the lockup. Savage grabs a headlock, but gets overpowered again and bails. As any good man would do, he hides behind Liz, and Jesse approves. Back in, Hogan takes him down with a drop toehold to meet his wrestling quota for the night, but Savage suplexes out of his headlock. Hogan quickly recovers and slugs away, and starts working on the arm, so Savage goes to the eyes and drops the axehandle for two. Savage takes it to the mat with an armbar. Some really slick hair-pulling behind the ref’s back follows, but it’s wasted when Hogan dumps him to break the hold. That was some quality cheating by Savage. Back in, Savage eats turnbuckle and Hogan drops him with a clothesline, into the elbows, but Savage clotheslines him for two. Savage grabs a chinlock while Hogan bleeds, but he fights out and blocks a big boot with an atomic drop. Hogan misses the elbow and Savage sends him into the corner with a high knee, and that gets two. Savage goes to work on the cut and stomps on the fingers, but that just gets Hogan mad, and he comes back with some shots in the corner and the corner clothesline. Hogan, sportsman, dumps Savage over the top and Liz tries to assist him, but Savage is an independent guy and doesn’t want help. Hogan follows him out for the brawl, showing he was probably in cahoots with Liz all along, and she prevents him from sending Savage into the post, which allows Savage to turn the tables and give Hogan the same treatment. Liz keeps getting involved, so the ref sends her back to the dressing room as we hit a dead spot. With no more distractions, Savage gets down to business, dropping Hogan with the axehandle to the floor before they head back in. Necksnap and Savage goes to work on the throat, choking him on the ropes and adding an elbow to the throat. Kneedrop gets two. Savage goes for broke, choking him out with the tape, and things look bad for the challenger. He goes with the straight choke and heads up to finish with the big elbow, and really I can’t stand to finish the review because it just hurts every damn time I watch it.

(Hulk Hogan d. Randy Savage, legdrop — pin, 17:53, ***) It was somewhat epic, but the crowd was just so dead and they couldn’t live up to the hype no matter what they went with. This one was such a heated feud that it needed something more akin to the current main event brawling style, and really they just went out there and did a Hogan match. Of course, at the time it made perfect sense to put Hogan over clean and send Savage down a different path with Sherri, but my god, Savage was on such a hot streak as a heel that they could have drawn MILLIONS by screwing Hulk out of the belt here and building up the chase to the rematch at Summerslam. But hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

The Pulse:

Wow, editing really is important, because the home video version is eons better than the ultra-dull and seemingly endless live PPV version, which stretches 3 hours and 40 minutes and feels like it’s never going to end. Still, bless 24/7 for at least giving fans to see the uncut version for themselves. Probably one of the worst Wrestlemanias in this form, although the shorter version that used to be more widely available is quite enjoyable for the most part.

Strong recommendation to avoid.
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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania VI

– Live from Toronto, Ontario. Original airdate: April 1st 1990

– Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura.

– Opening match: Rick Martel v. Koko B. Ware. The crowd is huge, announced at almost 68,000 people. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the ultra-cool carts that carry the guys to the ring ala WM3. Match is brutally clipped on the Coliseum video version, which is good because I saw it live on closed circuit TV and it sucked then. The version here sees a two minute Martel squash, as he finishes it with the Boston Crab. The announcers make note of a mistake made by Koko, which exposes the clipping. Oh well. Match was about 1/4*

– WWF tag team title match: Andre the Giant & Haku v. Demolition. A canned Demos interview is inserted before the match. The champs don’t even get an entrance, but the Demos do, and they get a mega-pop to boot. Once again a brutal clipjob, which is exceedingly good because this match blows too. Haku literally wrestles the entire match as Andre stands on the apron and Ax plays Ricky Morton. Smash gets the hot tag and destroys Haku (Andre takes one bump for old time’s sake). Andre grabs Haku from behind, but the THRUST KICK OF DEATH hits Andre by mistake and Demolition Decapitation follows on Haku for the pin and the final tag title reign for the Demos. Andre does the obligatory face turn after the match. Note to WCW: Sometimes it’s cool for the faces to win. DUD, although I was marking out for the last hurrah of Demolition at the time. Andre lays a hellacious beating on Heenan and Haku and leaves to the cheers of the fans.

– Hercules v. Earthquake. This was during the initial Quake buildup, which means Extra Squash with Cheese and a Side of Squash Fries. Up until now he was billed as “Canadian Earthquake”, but I guess they didn’t want any face heat for him here so they debuted the “Earthquake” name. I’m sure you know how this one goes. Herc does a stretcher job for good measure after two Quake splashes. DUD

– Rona Barrett interviews Elizabeth about her disappearance. Gotta love token celebrity appearances.

– Brutus Beefcake v. Mr. Perfect. Okay, if you’ll remember, at Royal Rumble 90 Beefcake fought the Genius in order to transfer the heat from Hogan to Beefcake, and it worked because this match was set up for Wrestlemania. Hennig is in full overselling mood, flying over the top rope on a punch. Mucho stallo results. Another mega-bump on a chest-first charge to the corner by Perfect. This would be the last appearance of the real Beefcake on PPV, before the boating accident turned him into the talentless Hogan kiss-ass you see today. Saturday Night’s Main Event booking as Hennig gets the METAL SCROLL OF DOOM from the Genius and bops Beefcake with it to take control. Another clip job as Hennig runs through his usual offense. He brings Beefcake to his knees and then slaps him around, but Beefcake grabs Hennig’s legs and slingshots him into the ringpost, a move which is guaranteed to kill Hennig, each and every time it’s used. Beefcake gets the huge upset and the crowd goes APESHIT. See, that way Perfect keeps his heat because the match was booked as a fluke. Beefcake ends up cutting Poffo’s hair. Decent enough match. * Here’s an interesting quote from Jesse at the ed, after Gorilla notes that the people want to see Poffo’s hair cut: “Since when is the World Wrestling Federation dictated by what you and the people want?” Of course, years later, Gorilla would become WWF President and the WWF’s whole direction would cater to the fans’ every whim.

– Roddy Piper v. Bad News Brown. This would be the match where Piper painted half his body black. He puts on a dance exhibition before the match, thus guaranteeing to offend EVERYONE in the audience, black and white. Total brawl, and a boring one at that. Piper pulls out a while glove (cf. Brown’s black glove) and they fight outside the ring for a double countount. Really disappointing non-match. -*

– Steve Allen rehearses the Russian National Anthem with the Bolsheviks. Har har.

– The Hart Foundation v. The Bolsheviks. Nikolai goes to sing the anthem and the Harts attack, then hit the Hart Attack for the pin. Bleh. DUD

– Tito Santana v. The Barbarian. This would be the debut of the Barbarian under the tutelage of Bobby Heenan. Total squash, as Barbie manhandles Santana, who comes back with the token offense. Flying Jalapeno, but Heenan puts Barbie’s foot on the ropes. Barbarian to the top and Tito takes the bump of the night with a somersault sell of the clothesline from the top, which finishes the match. Off-night for Tito. 1/4*

– Randy Savage & Sherri v. Dusty Rhodes & Sapphire. And wasn’t the world just waiting for this one? Jesse goes off on a hilarious rant about the fact that the Cow Twins are announced at 465 total, which he estimates is at least 100 pounds low. Dusty brings out Elizabeth before we start to a huge ovation. Sherri is actually looking pretty lithe here. Sapphire uses her huge ass to dominate Sherri, and Sherri actually sells. You can always tell when Jesse hates someone in real life because of how much he cheers against them. If that’s true, then he must HATE Dusty Rhodes. I mean, I would not want to be in the same room if they ever met, if his commentary here is any indication. This mess drags on and on, with Dusty playing Cow in Peril after a shot with the sceptre. Sappire and Sherri get into it, and Liz tosses Sherri back in, then grabs her by the hair and shoves her back into Sappire, which allows a rollup for the win. Really bad match. -** Better times would be ahead for Savage, thankfully.

– Hogan gives a really disturbing interview where he elevates himself to Christ-like levels by offering to “save” the Warrior and his fans by making Warrior a martyr.

– Warrior responds with an equally weirded-out interview.

– The Rockers v. The Orient Express. Let’s play “How much drugs did the Rockers use before the match” here. I’ll start the betting at 2 grams of coke and a shot of booze. Shawn Michaels plays Ricky Morton as the Express uses some nice double-teams to control. Marty gets the hot tag and the Rockers do their usual stuff, albeit slower than usual for some reason. Could it be…DRUGS? Even Gorilla notes the lethargy that Rockers seem to be experiencing. Jannetty ends up outside the ring and Fuji tosses salt in his eyes for the countout, a really weird ending that killed the crowd. This match was just screaming for a pinfall ending. Still, better than everything else tonight. **3/4 I never got the signing of the Orients. I assume Vince just wanted to steal Badd Company from the AWA, but couldn’t get DDP to come along, and didn’t think they’d be marketable without a gimmick, so he grabbed Tanaka and AWA jobber Akio Sato and left Paul Diamond to rot.

– Dino Bravo v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Not much fan response here, because Bravo is Canadian but booked as a heel so the fans were unsure how to react. And Duggan has never been really over in Canada, for obvious reasons. Kick and punch match that drags until Duggan hits three clotheslines and Quake makes a nuisance of himself. During the chaos, Duggan nails Bravo with the 2×4 and pins him. DUD Earthquake adds another body to the pile tonight by destroying Duggan for good measure. Works for me.

– Million Dollar Belt match: Jake Roberts v. Ted Dibiase. Roberts stole the belt from Dibiase on Superstars, and Ted wants it back. Speaking of drug-snorting degenerates, these two were among the worst offenders in the early 90s. We all know about Jake’s sob stories during his born-again Christian years, and Dibiase did the same circuit a couple of years ago, including a stop here in Edmonton where I got to meet him. He’s a great guy, btw, much more believable and likeable than Roberts. It should be noted that Dibiase continues to help charities and stay clean and sober, while Roberts is probably sleeping in a cardboard box in downtown Wichita with a bottle of cheap hooch as his only companion as we speak. Anyway, libellous comments aside, this match was about 20 minutes live and clipped down to eight or so here, and they even had the audacity to cut out the Skydome doing the wave during a headlock. The clipped version is actually better than the live one, because they clipped out the restholds. We cut to Jake making the big comeback, but before he can hit the DDT Virgil pulls him out of the ring for the countout. Since the match is unsanctioned, Dibiase wins the title back. Roberts gets the DDT on Dibiase after the match. The clipped version of the match is about ***, actually, a pleasant surprise after the boring match I remembered from years ago. Roberts hands out Dibiase’s money to the fans, which is really cool because each $100 bill is worth $150 up here. We never see Dibiase leave the ring, which becomes important for…

– Akeem v. Big Bossman. This would be the blowoff for the Twin Towers breakup that turned Bossman face. Bossman makes his entrance and Dibiase pops up from under the ring and attacks him on the floor. See, Dibiase tried to bribe Bossman, but since he’s an honest law-enforcement officer he wouldn’t take the bribe, presto, insta-feud. Dibiase’s beating doesn’t help Akeem much, as he gets caught with a fluke Bossman slam less than a minute in for the pin. DUD

– Rhythm and Blues debut their new single, “Hunka Hunka Honky Love” but the Sheepf*ckers interrupt, dressed as vendors, and attack them. Wow. “Blink and you’ll miss it” moment: Diamond Dallas Page driving the car that brings Honky and Valentine to the ring.

– Ravishing Rick Rude v. Jimmy Snuka. Steve Allen is doing color commentary here. This is the debut of the “new” Rick Rude, as he makes the transition from mid-card joke to main-event status. This is okay, as things go back and forth before Snuka misses whatever off the top and Rude hits the Rude Awakening for the pin. *1/2

– Main event, title v. title: Hulk Hogan v. The Ultimate Warrior. Warrior blows up running into the ring, seriously. This is the very definition of a divided crowd, as they are almost literally 50/50 for both guys. Staredown and shoving match to start, won by the Warrior, then Hogan. They do the test of strength: Warrior brings Hogan to his knees, then Hogan fights up and brings Warrior down. Crowd is absolutely rabid for every move. Hogan takes down Warrior and drops an elbow, then they do the CRISS-CROSS OF DOOM, which leads to a Hogan slam that is no-sold by Warrior. Another criss-cross, and a slam on Hogan, which Hogan sells. Warrior clotheslines Hogan to the floor, and Hulk injures his knee, and totally oversells it. Warrior stomps on it for good measure. Back in the ring and they poke each other in the eye and choke, to Jesse’s delight. Warrior jaws with the referee and Hogan takes the opportunity to clothesline Warrior in the corner and basically forget about the knee injury. Hogan drops an elbow for the first two-count and applies a facelock and a small package for two. Hogan…carrying a match? Considering how long this thing was rehearsed before this show, Hogan shouldn’t have to be carrying it, but whatever. Running clothesline gets two for Hogan. Backbreaker gets two. Hogan uses an ultra-weak chinlock, but drives some knees into the back to redeem it. Belly-to-back suplex gets two, then back to the chinlock. Warrior breaks free and they do the double-KO spot. Warrior shakes the ropes to hulk up, giving Hogan a taste of his own medicine by no-selling Hulk’s offense. THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM! RUNNING SHOULDERBLOCK OF DEATH! Is the end of Hulk? Two cross-corner whips and a suplex gets two. Oh, no, it’s the dread BEARHUG OF EXCRUCIATING DISCOMFORT! Hogan breaks free and Hebner gets wiped out on the criss-cross. Warrior goes to the top with a pair of double axehandles, but Hogan drives him face-first to the mat when he tries the running shoulderblock. No ref to count, and Jesse is right on the ball as he notes the irony of this after all the times it happened to Hogan’s challengers. Warrior gets a belly-to-back as Hebner…crawls…over…for….two. Crowd is on the verge of a collective heart attack. Hulk rolls up Warrior for two. Hogan with rights, and an elbow that sends Warrior to the floor, where they brawl for a bit. Back in the ring and Warrior with a clothesline and then…the Gorilla Press! Big splash…and it only gets two. Hogan makes the comeback, hulking up. Hogan no-sells the punches, delivers some of his own, then hits the Big Boot of Death. Legdrop…MISSES! Warrior hits a weak splash and gets the pin. Half the crowd is delighted, the other half is in shock. Hebner f*cks up, handing the belt to the Warrior, and the camera cuts away as Warrior gives it back so Hogan can present it himself. Meltzer gave it ****, I wouldn’t go that high, but it was a definite ***. It was suitably epic for the show it was carrying, and even after seeing it 200 times or so it still got my heart pounding during the ending sequence when I saw it again. That’s all you can ask.

The Bottom Line: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllll….

On one hand, the main event was huge and the crowd was hot and the booking was great (FACES GO OVER!), but on the other 90% of the show sucked dick. I mean, WCW would get crucified for putting on his dog today. I think people have unreasonably boosted popular opinion of this one thanks to fuzzy feelings rather than actual enjoyment of the show. I mean, it was a very “send the fans home happy” show, but other than that there weren’t many redeeming qualities.

But maybe that’s just me.

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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VII

– This is from an original Coliseum tape that I bought from a video store years ago, so it’s clipped. Fun fact: I’ve never seen the full version of this show, because they stopped showing Wrestlemania on closed-circuit after VI, and PPV didn’t come to Edmonton until Summerslam 92. This is also the last Coliseum version to be clipped, because from then on the PPV broadcast had to conform to the 2:40 standard.

– Live from Los Angeles, CA.

– Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a rotating crew of color men.

– Opening match: Haku & Barbarian v. The Rockers. This was a weird time for the Rockers, because they were constantly trying to tease the breakup, but Shawn was having the best matches of his career up until that point. Common wisdom was the newly-pushed Haku & Barbarian getting the easy win here. Haku grabs a headlock on Shawn and then rams him backfirst into the corner and whips him around, but Shawn escapes into a criss-cross, and gets a shoulderblock to take him down. They trade wristlocks and Haku slugs away, but Marty comes in for a double elbow and Barbarian hits both of them with a clothesline, for a Double Jannetty Sell. They respond with a double superkick, and the heels bail. Good stuff. Back in, Barbarian chops on Marty and headbutts him down, but Marty uses speed to evade him and tries a sunset flip. Barbarian blocks it, so Marty goes up with a rana instead. That gets two. Barbarian headbutts him again and brings in Haku for more headbutts, but Marty tries another rana, which gets turned into a hotshot to turn the tide and make Marty YOUR alcoholic-in-peril. Haku with a back elbow and Barbarian adds some double-teaming, and then a press slam. He cuts off the tag by drawing Shawn in, and some shenanigans in the heel corner result. Marty & Haku collide, but Haku recovers first and stomps away. Marty takes another hard bump into the corner and Haku follows with a pair of backbreakers, and we’re clipped a bit to Barbarian going up and missing a diving headbutt. Hot tag Shawn and he hammers on Barbarian in the corner and hits Haku with a crossbody, and then follows with a neckbreaker for two. Haku goes to the eyes, but Shawn gets a sunset flip for one. It’s BONZO GONZO and Barbarian gets dumped, and the Rockers both go up with a missile dropkick from Marty to set up a high cross from Shawn that finishes at 8:40. Super hot opener, with the classic big man v. little man dynamic. ***1/4

– Kerry Von Erich v. Dino Bravo. Kerry was already nearing the end of his usefulness to the WWF at this point, less than a year into his run with them. Bravo attacks to start and dumps Kerry, and they brawl outside. Back in, Kerry comes back with an atomic drop and slugs away, but Bravo blocks the clawhold. Kerry charges and hits knee, and Bravo follows with an atomic drop and elbow for two. Bravo tries the CLUBBING FOREARMS, but Kerry fights him off, so Bravo gets the sideslam for two. Kerry comes back with the claw and finishes with the Discus Punch at 2:45. Real bad. DUD

– Warlord v. The British Bulldog. They fight over a lockup and Warlord gets a quick knee, but Bulldog overpowers him and he bails. Back in, Warlord counters a crucifix with a samoan drop, and we’re obviously clipped via a rant from Slick outside. Warlord tries the full-nelson, but Bulldog fights out and finishes with the powerslam at 2:30. About a million edits here, and that’s probably for the best. DUD

– WWF tag team titles: The Hart Foundation v. The Nasty Boys. Sags gets a cheapshot out of the corner to start and pounds away, but Bret comes back with a Thesz Press and an atomic drop on Knobs. We’re clipped to Knobs coming in and going with Anvil, slugging away in the corner and losing that battle. Hiptoss out of the corner and Neidhart sends him to the floor, and the Nasties regroup again. Back in, Neidhart works the arm, but gets caught in the heel corner and Sags pounds him with forearms, until Neidhart brings Bret back in. Bret fires away in the corner on Sags and gets the legsweep, setting up the second-rope elbow for two. Knobs sneaks in and catches him with a clothesline from the back to turn the tide, however, and Bret gets dumped. Back in, Sags whips Bret around and gets a backbreaker for two. Sags goes to a rear chinlock, but Bret has a nice reversal into a neckbreaker. He tries for the tag, but Knobs draws Neidhart in, thus cutting it off, and goes back to the rear chinlock on Bret. Bret powers out to escape, and again they sucker Anvil in, but their double-team backfires, as Sags whips Knobs into the corner and Bret makes a false tag to Anvil. The megaphone gets involved, but Knobs hits Sags by mistake, hot tag Neidhart. He cleans house and clotheslines both Nasties, and elbows Knobs down for two. Powerslam gets two. Bret comes in and it’s BONZO GONZO, as he chases Sags around, and into a collision with Knobs. The Harts get the Hart Attack on Knobs, but the ref escorts Bret out, and a helmet to the head of Anvil finishes at 8:55 and we have new champions. Solid stuff with all the tag team formula spots, although about 5 minutes was missing so the full version might have been better or worse, hard to say. ***

– Blindfold match: Jake Roberts v. Rick Martel. This is a legendary match, for all the wrong reasons, as Martel blinded Jake to set it up. Maybe it was just the cheap rotgut he was drinking at the time? So yeah, both guys are wearing hoods, which they can obviously see through in reality. The idea is that Jake points to where Martel is, and the crowd cheers to lead him on. They wander around the ring and Jake trips Martel up for two. Martel pounds him on the mat and tries a backdrop, but Jake just moves out of the way. Now, why wouldn’t someone do that all the time? Talk about exposing the inherent logic gaps of the business. They bump into each other again, but they can’t find each other. Nothing like non-contact to spice up a match. Martel finally gets a slam, but Jake just stands up to dodge an elbowdrop. Martel accidentally gropes Damian and retreats to the other corner. Jake finally finds him and grabs a headlock, but Martel dumps him. Martel follows like an idiot and grabs a chair, but of course can’t find him. Back in, Martel gets a backbreaker and the Boston Crab, but Jake powers out. Martel is dazed, DDT, goodnight at 6:09. There’s a reason why you don’t see many blindfold matches well ever, really. -***

– Jimmy Snuka v. The Undertaker. Despite still being a heel, the pop Undertaker gets for the opening “bong” is pretty impressive. Callaway had the character down cold from day one. Snuka charges to start and gets hammered in the corner as a result. Taker chokes away and gets the flying clothesline, and then fights off a charge with a knee that sends Snuka to the floor. Suplex back in, but an elbow misses. Snuka tries to fight back with a headbutt, but misses a crossbody attempt and splats on the floor. Back in, Taker finishes with the tombstone at 4:18. The only purpose was to make Taker look a killer, and that’s what it did. ½*

– Retirement match: Ultimate Warrior v. Randy Savage. In retrospect, the wrong guy went over. Thankfully, Warrior WALKS to the ring for once, conserving energy instead of blowing up in the first 30 seconds. They fight over a lockup to start and Savage actually gives a clean break, but Warrior powers him down. Savage knees him and goes to the eyes to gain the advantage, but Warrior overpowers him again and he bails. Back in, Warrior clotheslines him and gets a two-handed choke, into an atomic drop, both ways. See, Warrior can mix up the moveset when he needed to. Sherri tries running in, so Warrior tosses Savage into her and slugs Savage down. Savage gets tied in the ropes and Warrior stomps on him, then puts his head down and Savage hits him with the clothesline and goes up. Crossbody (!?) is caught by Warrior, but he just puts him down and slaps him. OOOOOOOO. Savage bails and tosses a chair in to distract the ref, then attacks Warrior from behind, but that gets him nowhere. This is cool because it’s about Savage losing his temper and Warrior not acting like a maniac for once, because it’s so important to him. Warrior stomps a mudhole in the corner and slugs Savage down, but misses a blind charge, his first high-impact offensive attempt, and Sherri gives him a shot on the floor. Savage follows with an axehandle to the floor, but Warrior shoves Sherri away, which again allows Savage to attack him. Again, when Warrior stays calm he’s in control, but when he loses it Savage takes over. Back in, Savage drops a knee for two. Gorilla then makes a ridiculous statement, that it’s the ‘largest audience in the history of PPV’, like they would know the buyrate an hour into the show. Warrior gets a backslide for two and Savage takes a powder, but Warrior catches him coming in with a clothesline. He misses the shoulderblock, however, and Savage gets two. We hit the chinlock and Warrior powers out, and they criss-cross into a double-clothesline, and both are out. Sherri distracts the ref while Warrior cradles Savage, and that gets two. Warrior loses his temper again and the ref gets bumped as a result, after a botched editing job, and Sherri goes in, hitting Savage with her shoe by mistake. Warrior goes after her again, again making a dumb mistake, and Savage rolls him up for two. Warrior slugs him down, but Savage sends him into the turnbuckle and necksnaps him. Another necksnap on the top and Savage clubs him down, slamming him for two. He goes up with the flying elbow, and then since it’s a special occasion, drops four more. You’d THINK would be enough to beat him, but it only gets two. Given that Savage was going to come back, they shouldn’t have done that, but it didn’t hurt the move in the long run, since Savage would start pinning guys with it again anyway. Warrior fights up, however, and slugs Savage down, setting up the THREE CLOTHESLINES OF DOOM and the gorilla press. Unlike the year before, he has enough strength left to actually pull it off correctly this time. The splash gets two. The crowd is a little shocked by that. Warrior gets all freaked out and talks to his hands (maybe Jake slipped him a little something before the match?) and apparently the answer is to walk away from the match, which allows Savage to recover. Savage knocks him off the apron and puts him on the railing, but misses the flying axehandle and knocks himself silly. And now it’s the big comeback for Warrior, as he tosses Savage back into the ring, hits him with three shoulderblocks, and ends his career (well, forever IS a short time in wrestling) at 20:47. Easily Warrior’s best match ever, and one of my personal favorites of all-time, as Warrior paced himself and they delivered a great storyline and Savage worked his ass off. ****1/2 This is THE reason to see this show.

– And then of course the big angle which followed, as Sherri turned on the fallen Savage and beat on him, drawing Elizabeth out of the crowd to make the save and thus reunite with Savage and turn him into the #1 babyface in the promotion, moments after his “retirement”. It still works, no matter how many times, and they’d be well advised to try the same thing with Trish and Jericho on Sunday. Unfortunately, Savage’s descent into dementia in the real world and Elizabeth’s ugly end while shacked up with Lex Luger would mean that the storybook romance wouldn’t have a happy ending, but sometimes it’s nice to remember when it MIGHT have.

– Demolition v. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao. This is the Bryan Adams version of Demolition. Crush starts with Kitao, but gets kneed and hammered on the ropes. Mr. Fuji hits him with the cane for good measure, and Smash comes in, but Kitao brings Tenryu in, a young and spry 40 or so at that point, and he goes up with the elbow, but misses. Crush gets a backbreaker and Smash gets a backdrop suplex to set up Decapitation, but Kitao breaks it up. Crush goes back up, but gets shoved off again, and Tenryu hits Smash with an enzuigiri and powerbombs him for the pin at 2:50. No idea what the point of this was, but it sure sucked. Crush & Smash went their separate ways after this. DUD

– Intercontinental title: Mr. Perfect v. Big Bossman. This was the blowoff of the lengthy Bossman v. Heenan feud, with Bobby insulting Bossman’s mama for months, and Bossman running through the entire Heenan family to get revenge. Standard logic had Bossman going over to finish the job here. Gorilla again repeats the nonsense about the largest PPV audience. Just to clarify, VI did a 3.8 buyrate, and this one did 2.8. They exchange slaps to start and Perfect does a spinning sell of one, and Bossman gives him a hairtoss. He slugs Perfect into the corner and gets a clothesline that Perfect oversells with zeal, and then tosses Perfect to the floor. Back in, another shot puts Perfect over the top again. Bossman goes after the Brain, however, and that allows Perfect to send him into the stairs. However, Andre the Giant heads out to even things up. In the ring, Perfect hammers on Bossman, while Andre grabs the IC title. Perfect rams Bossman into an exposed turnbuckle and goes after Andre, and gets the belt in the face for his troubles. Bossman comes back and gets two, and Haku & Barbarian run in for the DQ at 4:35. This didn’t get going at all, which is a shame because Bossman was on a killer run at the time. *

– Earthquake v. Greg Valentine. Valentine had turned face by means which I don’t remember or care about. Quake attacks him in the corner and powerslams him for two. Blind charge misses and Hammer starts chopping and elbowing. Earthquake finally goes down and Valentine drops another elbow to set up the figure-four, but let’s face it, that’s pretty stupid. Jimmy Hart distracts him and Quake finishes with the butt splash at 3:14. ½*

– The Legion of Doom v. Power & Glory. The pre-match interview is longer and more entertaining than the match, as the LOD storm in, dispose of Hercules, and finish Paul Roma with the Doomsday Device at 0:55. This ended the usefulness of Power & Glory as a heel team, which was kind of a shame because they were really over and basically being used better than they had been in years. DUD

– Ted Dibiase v. Virgil. Roddy Piper was ‘training’ Virgil to build up to this and was in his corner, but had a motorcycle accident and thus he was on crutches. Virgil starts punching and Dibiase goes down, and bails. Back in, Virgil takes him down, so Dibiase responds with a drop toehold and chops him in the corner. Back elbow and gutwrench suplex get two. Dibiase tosses him and then shoves Piper down, and back in powerslams Virgil. Piper pulls down the ropes, however, and Dibiase is counted out at 4:36. Barely a match. ¼* Sherri makes her return, now aligned with Dibiase

– The Mountie v. Tito Santana. Quick squash for the Mountie before the main event, as Tito gets a quick flying forearm, only to be shocked with the tazer and pinned at 1:19. DUD

– WWF title match: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan. It’s weird, because even six years earlier this would have been quite the dream match. They fight over the lockup to start, and Hogan powers him down. The show may have bombed, but the heat is huge. Hogan grabs a headlock and overpowers him again. They brawl outside and Hogan goes after Adnan, which allows Slaughter to hit him with a chair. Hogan no-sells that and tosses him back in, but Slaughter goes to the eyes and slugs away. Back elbow and Slaughter drops some knees to work on the neck, but misses an elbow. Hogan comes back with a clothesline and goes after Adnan, then hits Slaughter with an elbow in the corner. Atomic drop gets two. They brawl outside again and back in, where Hogan gets the Axe Bomber for two. He sends Slaughter into the post and backdrops him out of the corner, then whips him into the corner again. High knee into the corner and Hogan catapults him into the post , as the ringpost proves to be a more effective worker than Hogan. Hogan follows him into the corner with a clothesline and fires away with punches, then back into the other turnbuckle again for two. Hotshot and elbows, and Hogan GOES UP? Adnan trips him up and Slaughter slams him off, and they brawl outside, where Slaughter chokes him out with a cable. Back in, he goes to work on the back and gets a backbreaker for two. He keeps stomping on the back and goes into a Boston crab, using Adnan for extra leverage. Hogan makes the ropes. Back to the back, as he drops knees on it and comes off the top with a knee for two. Weird spot as Adnan stupidly distracts the ref while Slaughter had a clear pinfall on Hogan. Slaughter hits Hogan with a chair, drawing blood, and I assume THAT’S where Adnan was supposed to be distracting the ref. Short clothesline sets up the camel clutch, and only in THIS storyline could a rear chinlock be a deadly finishing move. At least it made sense within the context of the match, and Slaughter’s abuse of the back. Hogan powers out of it like in 1984 against Sheik, but Slaughter apparently saw that match and reverses him into the corner. He covers Hogan with the flag and gets two, and it’s Hulk Up Time. Hogan rips up the flag, which is actually a huge breach of international etiquette, and it’s punch punch punch big boot legdrop and he’s a 3-time champion at 20:23. This was actually quite good for a Hogan match, with Slaughter bumping a lot and carrying the pace and psychology. ***1/2 Taken out of the context of the horrible storyline and tasteless buildup to the match, it’s actually a fine main event.

The Bottom Line:

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: This show gets a MAJOR bad rap, as there’s four ***+ matches and one genuine classic in Warrior-Savage. Sure, the rest is junk, but the crowd was really hot and the main event delivered, so I think it’s a worthwhile show.

Mildly recommended.

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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania VIII

– Live from Indianapolis, IN.

– Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon & Bobby Heenan.

– Opening match: Shawn Michaels v. Tito Santana. Shawn brings new meaning to “classy” by wearing a jacket that says “I’m too sexy for this crowd”, thus not only being a jerk, but also making an incredibly dated reference. Very weird hearing Sherri sing “Sexy Boy” instead of Shawn. Shoving match to start and Tito wins a slugfest and gets a quick crossbody for two. He grabs a headlock on Shawn and holds on, but Shawn slugs out and they criss-cross until Tito clotheslines him to the floor. Back in, Tito goes back to the headlock, but Shawn pounds him in the corner to escape and slugs away. Tito reverses him into the other corner and outsmarts Shawn, going back to the headlock. He gets two off that a few times, hanging on tight. Small package gets two. Back to the headlock for two. Shawn tosses him to escape, as Tito takes a good bump over the top and Shawn pounds him on the apron. Back in, backbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock, and Tito fights out of it, but walks into the superkick. Since that didn’t get established as his finisher until 1995, it’s not over yet. Shawn goes for his real finisher, the teardrop suplex, but Tito fights out of it. He puts his head down too soon and gets nailed, but comes back with the flying jalapeno and Shawn goes for a ride right out of the ring. They brawl on the floor and Tito brings him back in for a slingshot shoulderblock. Kneelift sends Shawn flying into the corner, and an atomic drop sets up El Pace With Extra Piquante, but Shawn takes a powder to the floor. Back to the apron and Tito goes to slam him back in, but Shawn shifts his weight and gets the pin at 10:37. I assume Sherri was supposed to be cheating there or something, but it didn’t work out that way. Still, good match, although not “HBK” level good. ***

– Mean Gene re-introduces the LOD, in the storyline that would bring Paul Ellering to the WWF – and Rocco the dummy. Don’t ask.

– Jake Roberts v. Undertaker. This was just after Undertaker’s face turn, as he saved Elizabeth from Roberts, and it was Jake’s last match in the WWF before jumping to WCW. Jake evades him to start and slugs away, to no effect. Another shot puts Taker on the floor, but he pulls Jake out with him and proceeds to ass-kicking. Back in, Jake kneelifts him coming through the ropes and keeps punching, but that gets him nowhere, as UT calmly chokes him out in the corner and won’t let him leave. Well, it’s no TRIANGLE choke, but you could see the MMA influence already starting! Okay, I made that up. Yeah, more choking. Taker drops an elbow and gets the flying clothesline, but Jake DDTs him. Taker no-sells and keeps choking, so Jake hits him with a short clothesline and another DDT. And it’s zombie sit-up #2 while Jake goes after Paul Bearer, which pisses Undertaker off enough that he tombstones Jake on the floor, and tosses him back in for the pin at 6:41. That was basically Jake passing the “creepy babyface” torch to Undertaker, and I guess it worked. ½*

– Intercontinental title: Roddy Piper v. Bret Hart. This was of course set up by the Mountie being an unlikely transition champion, beating Bret at a house show and losing the title to Piper at Royal Rumble, so with Bret demanding his mandatory rematch, this was the result. They fight over a lockup and Piper armdrags him. Another lockup, and now Bret gets the armdrag. Piper takes him down to the mat and Bret sends him to the floor to escape, and a shoving match results. Piper asks for the test of strength, although considering Piper looks like he weighs a buck-fifty as this point I don’t know how smart that is. They trade wristlocks off that and Piper throws a chop, but can’t break free. He rams Bret into the corner to get out, but Bret goes back to it again and yanks Piper to the mat for an armbar. Piper escapes, so Bret dropkicks him, and hurts his shoulder on the bump. Piper is concerned – until Bret cradles for two. Ha! Piper gives him a slap for being sneakier than him, and now it’s on. Criss-cross and they tumble out on a Bret crossbody. Piper offers him save haven back in, and Bret takes it. But then Piper suckerpunches him. He stomps away as Bret blades (and later lied about it to prevent punishment for it) and Piper bulldogs him for two. Piper works on the cut and kneelifts him for two. He socks Bret right in the cut, but Bret gets a sunset flip for two. Piper keeps on the cut and peppers it with punches, for two. They slug it out and Bret forearms him out to the floor, but he heads right back in and they clothesline each other. Piper recovers first and goes up, but Bret was also goldbricking and crotches him, then brings him down by the hair. Atomic drop and suplex get two. Russian legsweep gets two. Backbreaker and he goes for the Sharpshooter, but Piper blocks it, so Bret drops an elbow on him and goes up, hitting boot on the way down. They slug it out and Bret headlocks him, but the ref is bumped. They fight outside and Bret eats stairs, and Piper grabs the bell. The crowd completely freaks out, not wanting to see Piper turn heel on him, but Piper shows mercy and leaves it alone, opting for the sleeper instead. However, that costs him the title, as Bret pushes off the ropes and rolls over for the pin and the title at 13:49, a move that he would later bring back to beat Steve Austin in 1996. Piper teases another heel turn, and then does the right thing and straps the title on Bret. This was not only a great match, but one of the only clean jobs Piper did in his WWF career. ****

– Bobby Heenan introduces us to the newest WBF superstar, Lex Luger. Never heard of him.

– Big Bossman, Sgt. Slaughter, Virgil & Hacksaw Duggan v. Mountie, The Nasty Boys & Repo Man. Our running dead people tally continues, as Ray Combs does the ring introductions here. Big brawl to start, as the faces send the heels running and quadruple-team Repo Man. We start proper with Sags and Duggan, as Sags attacks him from behind and rams him into the turnbuckle, but Duggan comes back with a pair of clotheslines and an atomic drop. Slaughter, a year removed from being an Iraqi turncoat in the main event, gets a gutbuster on Knobs and Bossman follows with a big boot. He slugs away in the corner, but misses a charge, and Repo Man comes in and dodges a splash. He jumps on the back a few times, but lands on Bossman’s fist in an awkward place and Bossman slugs him down and brings in Virgil. Dropkick and he goes up with a high cross for two. The Mountie lays him out from behind and Repo gets a backdrop suplex and suckers Duggan in, allowing for some shenanigans. Sags gets a pumphandle slam for two. Mountie comes in and gets caught by Bossman with a spinebuster, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Knobs punches Virgil in the broken nose, but heel miscommunication results in Virgil pinning him at 6:31. Total mess. ½*

– WWF title match: Ric Flair v. Randy Savage. This is the famous “she was mine before she was yours” angle that would have been 100x better (and that’s saying something) if they had come up with it BEFORE the match was booked. On the other hand, you could just argue that Flair was playing mindgames with Savage after he found out he’d be defending against him. Savage beats on Flair outside to start, but gets distracted by Perfect, allowing Flair to start chopping. Savage hits him with a clothesline and knees him into the corner, then follows with a clothesline and a back elbow for two. He goes to the eyes, drawing the attention of the ref, but charges Flair and gets backdropped to the floor as a result. Flair follows and stomps on the knee, and back in he keeps stomping on Savage. Into the corner for some chops to set up a delayed suplex, which gets two. Backdrop suplex gets two. He whips Savage around and into a chop for two. Kneedrop and Savage bails to take a breather, so Flair follows and rams the back into the apron. Back in, suplex gets two. Flair whips him into the corner again to stay on the back, and stomps him down in the corner. They slug it out as Savage comes back, and a neckbreaker draws the double count. Flair goes for a running punch, but Savage blocks and slugs him into the corner, allowing Flair to go up, but Savage slams him off and makes the comeback. Backdrop out of the corner and a pair of clotheslines, and it’s a Flair Flip, as Savage slams him off the top for two. Savage comes back with a clothesline to put Flair on the floor, and follows with a double axehandle that sends Flair into the railing, and he blades. Flair wasn’t smart enough to claim it was hardway, like Bret did, so he was fined and very nearly fired for it. Savage suplexes him on the floor and pounds on him back in the ring, then follows with the double axehandle for two. Up top for the flying elbow, but Perfect pulls out Savage at two. Savage, understandably, is upset and chases after him, but that allows Flair to grab an international object and nail Savage with it for two. Flair gets frustrated and pounds away, then chokes him down, allowing Perfect to ram a chair into his knee behind the ref’s back. And now, WHOO, we go to school, but Elizabeth heads down to ringside to provide support as Flair gets the figure-four. The heat is just insane at this point. Flair slaps him around when he won’t stay down, but Savage fights back and reverses it. Flair breaks the hold, but stays on the knee, until Savage gets a small package for two. Into the corner, as Flair hits on Liz and beats on the knee, into a kneecrusher, but he gives one”whoo” too many and Savage rolls him up for the pin with a handful of tights at 18:01 to win his second WWF title. Started slow, but once they got into the groove, they had the crowd in the palm of their hands with great near-falls and crazy heat. ****1/4 Flair gives Liz a goodbye kiss, and Savage goes nuts on him, triggering a huge brawl until the refs pull them apart. Sadly, we would never see the naked centerfold of Elizabeth promised in the buildup by Perfect & Flair.

– Rick Martel v. Tatanka. This was fairly early in Tatanka’s run, although he would go on to draw pretty decent money against Yokozuna of all people in 1993, before self-destructing. Tatanka slams Martel and chases him from the ring while Bobby Heenan goes ballistic on Monsoon over the last match. Martel misses a charge back in the ring and Tatanka works on the arm, but gets taken down by Martel with a choke. He tosses Tatanka and they head back in, as Martel uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and a backbreaker, but goes up and gets crotched for his troubles. Tatanka comes back with chops and a backdrop, chopping him down. Martel catches him with slam, however, and clotheslines him, but Tatanka finishes with a crossbody at 4:30. Weak. ¾*

– WWF tag title match: Money Inc. v. The Natural Disasters. Dibiase starts with Quake and gets overpowered. The Disasters clean house on them and the champs regroup. Back in, and the Disasters work on IRS’s arm, and Typhoon hiptosses him. IRS tries to bail, but gets caught by the tie and rammed into the turnbuckles. Typhoon charges and misses, however, and Dibiase comes in, but gets whipped into the corner, too. Typhoon charges and hits the floor, however, and Dibiase hammers away in the corner, and Money Inc gets the double-team clothesline for two. Double back elbow and IRS goes to the front facelock, and it’s a false tag to Earthquake. Dibiase gets two on Typhoon in the meantime. Double clothesline, crowd still doesn’t care. I never got why the Disasters were turned into the big babyface team of 1992, since they were never particularly over and didn’t have particularly good matches. “Hot” tag Earthquake, and he clotheslines everyone and dumps Dibiase. Typhoon splashes IRS and Quake goes for the butt splash, but Dibiase pulls IRS out and they take a walk at 8:37. Slow, dull match with a really bad finish. *

– Owen Hart v. Skinner. Skinner sprays him with tobacco juice to catch him off-guard, and gets a shoulderbreaker. Inverted DDT gets two. He adds some headbutts, but Owen skins the cat after getting tossed, and rolls him up for the pin at 1:10. Not one of Owen’s best matches. DUD

– Hulk Hogan v. Sid Justice. This was SUPPOSED to be Hogan’s retirement match, but he just kept coming back. The show is running long at this point, too. Sid attacks him to start, and Hogan punches him out of the ring and finishes his posing. We start proper as Sid knees him in the gut and pounds away in the corner. Hogan slugs him out of the ring. Back in, Sid calls for the test of strength like every other idiot heel in WWF history, and gets Hogan down to his knees, but he fights back up again. Sid takes him into the corner with knees, and chokeslams him. Sid stops to give his “Do unto the man…” line to the camera and the match is suddenly 10x better, since Sid isn’t doing anything. He uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and Hogan bails, so Sid follows and hits him with Harvey’s medical bag. Wonder if that was George Zahorian’s bag? Back in, Sid uses the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM as I go change my laundry. Hogan fights out, so Sid sideslams him and powerbombs him, but it’s Hulk Up Time, punch punch punch big boot legdrop – and then a very interesting moment as Papa Shango was supposed to run in and break up the count, but misses his cue, forcing Sid to kick out. That was to protect Sid, but in retrospect they needn’t have bothered, since he was gone weeks later anyway. It’s a DQ at 12:26 for no adequately explored reason, and Papa Shango finally gets out there for the beatdown… until Ultimate Warrior makes a shocking return and blows the roof off the place. Good thing they had his music ready. Well, Hogan’s good Wrestlemania match streak ends at 3. ¼* Some cosmetic changes to Warrior had people guessing that it wasn’t Jim Hellwig, but believe me, I wasn’t that lucky.

– By the way, the tape closes with an apology from Coliseum video for advertising a Bulldog v. Berzerker match on the box that didn’t happen. While it’s nice they would actually acknowledge their own false advertising for once (the show was running long and the match was ditched), there’s not really any apology needed for THAT cut.

The Bottom Line:

Another one of my favorite Wrestlemanias, with two great matches and one stinker of a main event that at least had one of the biggest surprise endings in WM history to bail it out somewhat. But it’s definitely worth a look.

Highly recommended.

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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania IX

– Live from Las Vegas, Nevada. Original airdate: April 4, 1993

– Your hosts are Jim Ross, Bobby Heenan and Randy Savage. This was JR’s debut. Wearing a toga.

– This was also my first review on the internet, ever. I was in an anti-WWF place at that time, so it was pretty negative, IIRC. But then the”review” was only about 12 lines long, so it all evens out.

– Opening match, Intercontinental title: Shawn Michaels v. T-t-t-t-t-tanka. Shawn has Luna Vachon with him, in her debut. Sherri follows Tatanka, dressed like an indian princess. Poke-her-hontas? Shawn admires himself in the belt before we get underway. The Caesar’s Palace idea was neat, it makes for great atmosphere. Shawn bumps like a motherf*cker, getting armdragged off the top rope and then doing a Flair flip and falling off to the floor. A greco-roman thumb to the eye leads to a botched sunset flip off the top for two. But Tatanka comes back with a devastating move #919 (ARM-bar) to slow down the momentum. Shawn takes a MAN-SIZED charge to the post, setting up move #193 (arm-BAR). Shoulderbreaker and big elbow gets two, but Tatanka eats superkick coming off the top rope to swing the pendulum back to the commish. Nice running clothesline off the apron by Shawn. It should be noted that this is years before Luna had her breasts augmented. It should also be noted that her deadbeat husband Dave Heath (currently known as Gangrel) would win the PWI Rookie of the Year award as Vampire Warrior this year. More resting. Shawn must be stoned — he botches a victory roll. But Tatanka is the Pissed Off Racial Stereotype. Chop, chop, chop, bodypress for two. Catapult to the post yields two. Shawn is bumping like a MAN. Shawn escapes the Papoose to Go with a rollup for two. He goes to the top but gets caught with a powerslam for two. Shawn is the king of bumps, and he’s single-handedly carrying this thing. He misses another apron clothesline and lands on the stairs face-first. Shawn takes out his frustrations on Joey Marella, and Tatanka hits the fallaway slam, but Marella won’t count because Shawn was counted out or something. Bad ending, okay match. Probably the best we could have hoped for out of this show. **1/2 Six years later, Shawn is retired, Tatanka might as well be, and the referee is dead.

– Mean Gene interviews the Steiner Brothers, in happier days.

– The Headshrinkers v. The Steiner Brothers. The very first JR broadcast, and he works in “Slobberknocker” and “smash-mouth” LESS THAN A MINUTE IN. I bet he’ll start reeling off the football references any minute now. Steiner gets double-teamed very quickly. The Steiners retaliate with a double Steiner-line off the top rope. JR must be creaming in his toga. Scott dominates Samu, but gets dumped right over the top and takes a MAN-SIZED bump to the floor in what looked to be intended as a stungun. JR notes that this is probably what the action in the Roman coliseums was like. I don’t recall the Christians putting the lions in a chinlock and whispering “Roar and then bite my leg off and I’ll bleed to death”, but I’ll take his word for it. Scott plays Ricky Morton and the ‘Shrinkers punch and kick a lot. This match is getting entirely too much airtime for the non-workrate. Rick gets the hot tag but makes the mistake of ramming the Samoans’ heads together. He’s very dumb, you see. In an awesome spot, the heels go for a Doomsday Device and Rick catches and powerslams Samu in mid-air! Scott tags in again and finishes it with the Frankensteiner in short order. At this point it was getting scary watching Scott do the rana. *1/2

– Crush v. Doink the Clown. This is a pretty infamous match. Doink the psychotic clown was always a very cool gimmick. Crush attacks Doink before the bell, sportsman that he is. There’s TOO MANY BRIGHT COLORS HERE. Crush is decked out in neon yellow, orange and purple. Doink has red, blue and yellow, with green hair. This is going to wreck my TV screen. Meanwhile, the match sucks the meat missile. Crush goes for the Kona Kompactor, but the ref gets bumped and Doink rolls out and tries to crawl under the ring. Crush throws him back in and applies the Kompactor, but Doink II comes from under the ring and decks Crush with a prosthetic arm, and a beatdown results. Doink I gets the pin when the ref wakes up. A supremely bad idea. -**

– Razor Ramon v. Bob Backlund. Ramon was a few weeks away from his face turn (and the accompanying debut of the 1-2-3 Kid) while Backlund was a year and a half away from reclaiming the WWF title. Big “Razor” chant for the supposed heel Ramon. Pretty much a Ramon squash, although Backlund gets his 70s offense in, including the ATOMIC DROP OF DEATH! Ramon gets an inside cradle out of nowhere for the pin about three seconds later for the pin. After the match, Ramon does the “Me-me-me-me-YEAH” thing, actually saying “me me me me me” while doing it. *

– WWF tag title match: Money, Inc. v. Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake. I could have lived with Hogan and Beefcake as tag champs, honest I could. If only he had settled for that much. Hogan is sporting a black eye, Money Inc takes credit for it by saying they hired goons to beat him up the night before. Hogan gets a decidedly lukewarm reaction. He’s looking like Kidman here — no muscle definition at all. It should be noted that everyone in this match went on to join the nWo at various points. In fact, there’s a very nWo-ish theme running through the show, with future nWo members in just about every match. The deterioration of Beefcake had begun in earnest at this point. Dibiase plays the heel in peril, as the Egomaniacs pummel the champions at will. Finally the champs simply walk, and Earl Hebner does the old “If they don’t get in by 10, they lose the titles” bit. So they make it back in and go to work on Hogan with the usual cheap heel tactics. Dibiase slaps the Million Dollar Dream on Hogan, which Hogan sells as if it were a chinlock, thus killing the move for Dibiase. Savage: “The people are hanging from the rafters…although this Roman coliseum doesn’t have rafters…but it has columns, and people are hanging from them.” You just don’t get insightful commentary like that today. The referee is distracted by IRS, and Beefcake puts his shitty sleeper on Dibiase, which of course knocks him into a coma after three seconds. Double knockout, but Hogan revives first. Hogan hot tags Beefer and punches away, sadly showing more moves than HHH does in an average match today. Dibiase nails Beefcake with the suitcase, and now Beefcake is (broken) face in peril again. God, this match is right out of 1988. No wonder Hogan got turfed out of the WWF. Dibiase pulls off the protective mask worn by Beefcake…and it’s Rey Mysterio Jr! No, just kidding, it’s still Beefcake. This match is way long. Beefcake with the sleeper on IRS, and the ref gets bumped. Hogan gets the hot tag and the ref is still out. Big boot and both Money Inc members get nailed with the PROTECTIVE MASK OF DOOM, but the ref is still out. Jimmy Hart comes in and counts the pin himself. But Danny Davis runs in and disqualifys the challengers for hitting Money Inc with the mask. This was setting off alarm bells in my head while watching the show live way back when, because it occurred to me that Hogan never settled for losing on a Wrestlemania without gaining face somehow. If only I knew… 1/4*

– Toad Pedophile finds Natalie Cole at ringside. And the owner of Caesar’s Palace, who yaks about whatever.

– Mr. Perfect v. The Narcissist. Speaking of egomaniacs. More nWo influence, as both guys went on to join. Luger brings some choice T&A to the ring with him to hold up his mirrors. The Narcissist gimmick was perfectly suited to Luger, much better than the stupid Hogan-warmed-over face turn he did. He start with an exchange of headlocks and wristlocks that go nowhere. Hennig kicks away at Luger’s knee and chops him so hard that it echoes through Caesar’s Palace. Hennig takes a nice bump into the corner, but nothing up to his usual Shawn-like standards. Luger goes to work on the back with the LOADED FOREARM OF DOOM. Kicking and punching abounds. Luger gets two with the Flair pinning-attempt-in-the-corner. Hennig with a sunset flip and a sleeper to cue the comeback. Small package for two. Cross-corner whip and slingshot to the post gets two. I think Hennig worked that slingshot into his repretoire out of spite for his loss to Jerry Lawler in 1988. They fight over a backslide and Luger gets it for the pin, despite Hennig having both legs in the second rope. Luger gives him the LOADED FOREARM OF DOOM for good measure, knocking him out. Hennig chases Luger to the back and is attacked by Shawn Michaels, signalling the start of their feud. *

– Giant Gonzalez v. The Undertaker. Undertaker has a vulture with him. That’s about the most interesting thing here. A truly wretched match, topped only by their Summerslam 93 rematch. Gonzalez “sells” like he’s being poked with Scott Hall’s tazer gun, and moves like he’s got a pole shoved up his ass. After 18 hours of excrutiating non-action, the Giant gets a chloroform-soaked rag and smothers Undertaker into unconsciousness, drawing the DQ. -***

– Mean Gene interviews Hulk Hogan before the main event, another bad sign.

– WWF title match: Bret Hart v. Yokozuna. All of what followed never should have happened. 1993 was a dismal failure with Hogan and Yokozuna as champions. Vince should have just had faith in Bret to begin with and allowed him to keep the title, but no, it was not to be. Bret wrestles a smart match, luring Yoko near the ropes from the outside and then tripping him on the bottom rope. He slingshots in with a diving headbutt and goes with the elbow on the second rope. Goes downhill from there, as Yoko takes over with a shoulderblock and the usual crappy Yoko offense. Yoko eats boot on a cross-corner charge and Bret gets two. Superkick turns the tide again. More deadly nerve pinching. Cross-corner charge misses again, and Hart with the bulldog for two. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! Bret yanks the turnbuckle pad off, and rams Yoko’s head into it, then applies the Sharpshooter. The devious Mr. Fui chooses that moment to toss a huge pile of salt into Bret’s eyes (some of which lands on Hebner) and Yoko rolls up Bret for the title. *1/2

– Hulk Hogan comes in to protest, and instead of getting the ref to reverse the decision like any other babyface, he takes a title match with Yokozuna right there. As if anyone would be stupid enough to put the title on the line right away. Then to add insult to insult, it’s a joke “match” as Fuji tosses salt in Yoko’s face by accident and Hogan hits the legdrop for the pin and his last WWF title. See Nash, Kevin. The crowd is less than enthralled with this decision. Why couldn’t they just do Hart v. Hogan?

The Bottom Line: This Wrestlemania bombed big-time, as Hogan’s WWF marketability was shot down once and for all. Despite having all the booking suddenly centered around him again, Hogan proceeded to take two months off to enjoy his new title. This was the last straw in the eyes of Vince McMahon, who had two perfectly good champions in Yokozuna & Bret Hart simply going to waste on the sidelines, and so at King of the Ring, Hogan was beaten and humiliated by Yokozuna in his last WWF match, and in the final insult, was pinned with his own finisher, the legdrop. The message was clear: The Hogan era is over, and no more prima donnas need apply.

Ironically, Bret Hart would see that advice come back to haunt him 4 years later. But that’s another story.

As for WM9, while some have called it the worst PPV ever, it certainly has historical signficance, and that alone disqualifies it from the running. Shows like Road Wild and King of the Ring 95 were uniformly bad and offered no lasting change for the wrestling world, and so can be more easily considered the worst. Still, Wrestlemania IX ranks as the worst WM ever, easily.
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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

(Note: Once again, The Curse of Scott strikes, as I go on hiatus while moving for a week and we lose Bam Bam Bigelow and 11 guys get fired. Last year, I went on vacation for a week and Eddie Guerrero died. The lesson here: I should never leave home.)

The SmarK Retro Re-Rant for Wrestlemania XI

– Live from Hartford, CT

– Your hosts are Vinnie Mac and Jerry Lawler

– Sure, this is one of the lesser Wrestlemanias, but of course the untimely death of Bam Bam Bigelow made it a natural tribute to him.

The Allied Powers (Lex Luger & British Bulldog) v. The Blu Twins

The Blu Twins are of course the Harris Brothers, back when they had hair. The Blus attack to start, but the forces of democracy clean house and then stop to invade Iraq. Bulldog starts proper with, I dunno, Jacob and gets a delayed suplex for two. Clothesline for both Blus clears the ring again and he grabs a headlock, but a cheapshot turns the tide. The Twins switch off with some uneventful double-teaming and a sideslam, which sets up a double boot to the Bulldog. The Twins do the switch and Eli gets two. Jacob goes up and misses whatever, and it’s hot tag Luger. Wow! A kneelift! Why didn’t they just put the World title on him right then? Powerslam and the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DOOM get two, and it’s a donnybrook. Luger might as well be calling in his half of things from a cell phone in the corner. Another switch and Jacob tries a piledriver in the babyface corner, but Bulldog comes in with a sunset flip to finish. You’ll note that once Luger jumped back to WCW in time for Nitro to begin, he became motivated again.

(The Allied Powers d. The Blu Twins, Bulldog sunset flip — pin Jacob, 6:37, *1/4) Not one of the more stellar openers in Wrestlemania history, for sure.

Intercontinental title match: Jeff Jarrett v. Razor Ramon

The presence of 1-2-3 Kid at ringside, in his pajamas, reminds me of a show about Hollywood marriages gone bad, which I guess came from the E! Network, and one of the segments focused on the happy life of Sean Waltman and Joanie Laurer, which actually resulted in Waltman being involved in a serious interview about life as a celebrity. What next, an interview with Joanie about life as a woman? Ramon and his bitch clear the ring to start, and Ramon slugs Jarrett down for two. That’s quite the punch. Another one gets two. Maybe it’s the smell of hooch on his breath? God knows that Hall and Waltman together in the same room is a recipe for disaster…

…allegedly.

Ramon blocks a sunset flip for two and sends Jarrett into the Roadie for two, but an attempt at the Razor’s Edge is stopped by the Roadie and they regroup on the floor. The Kid does his scary karate moves at Jarrett to chase him back in the ring, and Ramon gets two. I wonder if he did that before beating Joanie…

…allegedly.

Ramon clears the ring, but walks into a dropkick from Jarrett, who proceeds to take over. We hit the chinlock, but Ramon blocks a hiptoss with a backslide for two. Jarrett slugs away and grabs a sleeper, then takes him down by the hair for two. We hit the chinlock and Ramon escapes with a backdrop suplex, but it’s a double-KO. Although it could just be that only Jarrett was supposed to be out and Ramon partied too hard the night before. Kid rallies the crowd, but I’m sorry, I just can’t seriously get behind a guy wearing silk dragon pajamas. Ramon recovers first with a fallaway slam for two. Discus punch and Kid gets involved, but it backfires on him, like making a porno video with his girlfriend. Jarrett, now on a roll, takes out the knee and goes to a figure-four, but Ramon fights out of it, because I guess he got the really GOOD drugs that night…

…allegedly.

Ramon comes back with a backdrop superplex, but his knee is injured. Razor’s Edge, but the Roadie runs in for the DQ. Kid tries to save, but the forces of evil are too much, and Lawler notes that “The Kid just got hammered!” Truer words have never been spoken.

(Razor Ramon d. Jeff Jarrett, interference — DQ, 13:29, **1/2) Technically competent, but it did nothing for me and felt like they were repeating the script from Royal Rumble.

King Kong Bundy v. The Undertaker

Hey, remember that angle where a heel stole the urn and then Undertaker fought him to get it back? Well, this was one of them. The special referee is baseball umpire Larry Young, so at least the steroid use won’t shock him or anything. Taker goes old school right away and tries to clothesline Bundy down, but takes three times to get him down. Bundy responds with his own, and Taker bails and steals the urn back. He stops to worship the almighty flashlight contained within. Let us all pay homage to Eveready, provider of light and AA batteries! Kama runs out and steals the urn right back, but Undertaker is remarkably nonplussed by the situation and goes right back to beating on Bundy. Bundy comes back with a slam, which UT no-sells, and another clothesline puts him on the floor again. Back in, Bundy chokes away and they have an epic slugfest, which ends when Bundy drops a knee for two. We hit the chinlock, as apparently the drama of people stealing the urn and other people stealing it back has been exhausted and now we have to actually watch these guys wrestle…

…allegedly.

Taker fights up, but gets Avalanched, which he no-sells. He slams Bundy and gets the jumping clothesline for the pin. A clothesline? What is this, Survivor Series?

(Undertaker d. King Kong Bundy, clothesline — pin, 6:38, 1/4*) This was more one of those matches that sounded like a dream match on paper, rather than something anyone in their right mind would want to sit through.

WWF World tag team titles: The Smoking Gunns v. Owen Hart & Yokozuna

Owen and Jim Neidhart were eliminated from the tag title tournament under dubious circumstances, so now Owen gets a title shot with a partner of his choice. Billy Gunn slugs it out with Owen to start, and the Gunns work on his arm in the corner. Owen brings in Yokozuna, who quickly slams Bart, but misses an elbow. Owen comes in with a criss-cross, but Bart takes him down with an armbar and the Gunns double-team him with a double legsweep, then clear the ring. A nice double-team sees Billy hitting a neckbreaker on Owen out of a backdrop suplex position by Bart, and Bart sends Owen into the corner for two. A sideslam/legdrop combo gets two for Billy. Owen makes the blind tag to Yokozuna, and a legdrop kills Billy dead. Not even his gigantic mullet could protect him from that one. Owen rams him into the ringpost for good measure. Back in, we hit the chinlock. Owen tries to come in with a missile dropkick, but it hits Yoko instead and it’s hot tag Bart. Press slam for Owen, but Billy comes in and runs into a belly-to-belly from Yoko. Banzai drop and Billy is a pancake, so Owen takes the pin and the titles himself.

(Owen Hart & Yokozuna d. The Smoking Gunns, Owen pin Billy, 5:47, **1/4) This was an oddly structured tag match, with no real heat segment, and really just a sense of the inevitable title change to it.

“I Quit” match: Bret Hart v. Mr. Bob Backlund

This was the final blowoff of a rather underappreciated feud in the 90s — that of Bob Backlund taking on the forces of sanity and losing. Although Bob never really drew any money as champion, it still stands as testimony that someone, anyone, can reinvent himself into something of value given a chance. Except for Paul Roma, f*ck him. Bret and Bob actually had very good chemistry together, as Bret was the kind of guy who could effortlessly work Bob’s ultra-old school style and make it look believable for the era in which he was competing.

Bret hammers away to start, and drops elbows, to no avail. He chokes away in the corner and Bob still won’t quit. I’m as shocked as you. Bret tries the Sharpshooter already, but Bob counters out, so it’s a figure-four instead. Bob reverses and then makes the ropes, but Bret stays on the leg. This part is not very exciting, so Piper clowns it up by asking both Bob and then Bret if they quit. Bob recovers and starts to work on the arm, but Bret avoids the chickenwing. Bob hammerlocks him on the mat and works on a weak Fujiwara armbar and then a standing armbar. This whole portion drags on so long that I have time to write a haiku about my feelings:

Montreal screwjob
Gave Shawn Michaels the title.
Fuck you, Vince McMahon.

Bret comes back with a backbreaker, but misses the blind charge and splats into the ringpost, which sets up the crossface chickenwing, Bob’s deadly and unbreakable submission hold. Bret, however, reverses the move into his own, and Bob quits.

(Bret Hart d. Bob Backlund, chickenwing — submission, 9:34, **) This was really much more boring than I remembered, basically coming down to Backlund working an armbar and then quitting from his own hold.

WWF World title: Diesel v. Shawn Michaels

This is one of those matches where it was the logical blowoff for the long-simmering feud between them, and makes perfect sense in hindsight (and mostly at the time as well), but it didn’t draw worth shit and they so completely overcompensated in trying to make Shawn look like a threat that it actually became sort of an assumption that Shawn would win the title here. The big swerve here is that Diesel has Pam Anderson in his corner, back when people gave a shit about her. Remember when she used to be considered classy? Homemade porno and Hep C is a bad combination for your public image, kids.

Shawn slugs away to start and gets a rollup, but Diesel escapes and clotheslines that crap out of him. Shawn, in his first shot at the bigtime, sells it like death before coming back to work on the arm. Diesel casually tosses him into the corner and follows with a backdrop, and then Shawn takes a nasty bump out of the ring and takes out an innocent photographer in the process. Back in, Shawn dodges an elbow and slugs away in the corner, but walks into the original elbow. Diesel follows with a suplex and big boot, and Shawn bumps out again. Back in, they both get crotched on the top rope and Shawn clotheslines him out and follows with a bodypress to the floor. He follows that with a baseball slide as they keep cutting a bored-looking Pamela at ringside.

Shawn goes to work on the injured ribs, splashing him from the apron, and distracting the ref long enough for Sid to sneak over…although not long enough for Sid to do anything. Back in, Shawn starts slugging him down, not really working on anything in particular. Top rope bulldog gets two. He slugs Diesel down again and springboards out of the corner with an elbow for two. He keeps pounding away and goes up with a flying elbow to the back, which gets two. Diesel keeps fighting off a facelock attempt, as this match has a really bizarre psychology about it, with the little guy dominating with speed instead of acting as an underdog. Their 1996 rematch told a much better story, with heel Diesel kicking the everloving shit out of babyface champion Shawn, but Shawn using that speed and brains to overcome the giant. This is just…weird.

Shawn grabs a sleeper, and Diesel miraculously recovers and chases him out of the ring, taking out the referee in process while making the comeback as they brawl outside. Back in, Shawn gets the superkick out of nowhere, but the ref is out of it. Sid undoes the turnbuckle, but once again irony proves ironic and Diesel counters with a backdrop suplex for the double KO. Shawn recovers first and gets two. Another bulldog attempt is countered into a sideslam by Diesel, and he catapults Shawn into the exposed turnbuckle. Sort of, as Shawn actually miscalculates and lands on the middle one instead, thus defeating the purpose of the spot. Diesel, oblivious to anal retentive wrestling fans snickering at the faux pas, powerbombs Shawn anyway and gets the pin.

(Diesel d. Shawn Michaels, powerbomb — pin, 20:40, ***1/2) Eh, it had a beat and I could dance to it, but it was pretty much 110% Shawn bumping his ass off to carry the match, and they had far better matches later on. Diesel and all the pathetic C-list celebrities from this show (The kid from Home Improvement! Some guy from NYPD Blue!) celebrate at the end as they desperately try to give Kevin Nash every rub possible.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Lawrence Taylor

This of course was the apex of Bigelow’s career, as he main evented a Wrestlemania and fought a celebrity. LT attacks to start and Bigelow bumps around for him, including a clothesline that puts him on the floor. Back in, Taylor catches a bulldog for two. He throws forearms, which is smart for someone who can’t do worked punches, and Bigelow bails. After some trashtalk between the two entourages, Bigelow gives Taylor a cheapshot and starts working him over in the ring. He pounds away. Powerslam sets up a headbutt, which misses. Taylor tries to fight back with another forearm, but gets sent into the corner by Bam Bam and choked down. Bigelow slugs him down, into a Boston Crab, but LT can’t sell it properly and Bigelow turns it into a leglock instead. Taylor makes the ropes, so Bigelow reapplies and LT makes the ropes again. Taylor keeps throwing the forearms, and suddenly comes back with a backdrop suplex. Bigelow recovers first and pounds him down again, then follows with the moonsault. He suffers an apparent knee injury on the move and can’t cover right away, and thus only gets two. Nice bit of disbelief-suspension there. Taylor catches Bigelow with his head down and tries a powerbomb, but only gets kind of a half-one. They explain that Diesel trained him, so no wonder it was half-assed. That gets two. Bigelow comes back with an enzuigiri and goes up to finish, as the diving headbutt gets two. Taylor comes back again and works him over in the corner, then throws another forearm to take him down. To the top, and a flying forearm gets the upset pin.

(Lawrence Taylor d. Bam Bam Bigelow, forearm — pin, 11:42, ***) Actually quite a decent match, with LT throwing effective forearms and consistently going back to them because they worked. The selling was hit-or-miss, to say the least, but for a celebrity match it was quite worthwhile. The Horsemen v. Mongo/Greene match at Great American Bash 96 would easily top it, however, and Bigelow’s career revival ended up flaming out soon after this. Still, he got to have his moment, and didn’t disappoint when put in the spotlight, so that’s all you can ask of him.

The Pulse: Not the WORST Wrestlemania ever, but certainly one of the dullest, as they trumped it up with silly celebrities to disguise the total lack of direction that the promotion was suffering through at that point. Nitro really was the kick in the ass that Vince needed.

Recommendation to avoid.
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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

Change of pace this time.

It seems no matter how many rants I pump out and how great everyone tells me they are, I always have one show hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles: Wrestlemania X. Oh, sure, the rest are pretty good, but what did I think of Wrestlemania X?



Well, what do you *think* I thought of Wrestlemania X? It’s the show that redefined the WWF forever. It’s probably the only instance of two ***** matches on the same WWF show. It made the careers of Shawn Michaels, Scott Hall and Owen Hart. It relaunched the career of Bret Hart and sunk the career of Lex Luger with a resounding splat. It was the final proof that Hulk Hogan was not needed to blow the roof off the joint, and it was probably the only time you’ll ever see Vince McMahon apologize, albeit in his own way. It was truly a show with something for everyone — workrate freaks, sports entertainment sheep, kids and adults alike and devoted followers of the Finkel-Wippleman feud.

Hell, it’s Wrestlemania X. If you can’t love this show, you’re either dead or not a wrestling fan.

So let’s do it this way: Let’s talk about what was so great about the matches, and why they were so important in the future, and what happened to set them up, shall we? Standard rules apply otherwise.

On with the show.

The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania X

– Here’s what was happening at the time, to give an idea where everybody sat:

1993: Yokozuna was of course the WWF champion, having flattened Hulk Hogan at King of the Ring 93. The WWF was bombing under the big guy, big time. Heel champions might fly in Atlanta, but sports entertainment fans still demanded a hero. Unfortunately, the primary one of the 80s had just been turfed out of the WWF a few months previous, nearly taking the credibility of Bret Hart with him. So Vince, not being a terribly creative sort without his advisors to slap some sense into him, decided to create a new superman: Lex Luger. Luger bodyslammed Yokozuna and did an immediate face turn, dumping the infinitely superior “Narcissist” gimmick for the hackneyed “Made in the USA” one. But hey, I’m not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, what do I know? Anyway, after slamming Yoko, Luger embarked on a massive PR campaign to drum up support for a title shot, because Yokozuna was afraid of him and all. Jim Cornette (manager of the champ) finally relented, with the caveat that Luger get *one* title shot, at Summerslam 93, and no more. Luger agreed, and choked in the big match (there’s a surprise…), beating Yoko by countout and thus blowing his one shot. Luger had one chance left: Win the Royal Rumble.

Meanwhile, Bret Hart was having problems of his own with Jerry Lawler. After dropping the WWF title at the wretched Wrestlemania IX, Bret came back to win the first King of the Ring tournament. Jerry “The King” Lawler took exception and attacked him after the win, triggering a long feud between the two. Hart beat the piss out of Lawler at Summerslam, but lost the match on a reversed decision. The entire Hart family got involved, and it was going to be settled at Survivor Series 93, but Lawler was arrested for rape charges, which later turned out to be bogus, so Shawn Michaels took his place. Bret teamed with his brothers (Owen, Keith and Bruce), while Shawn teamed with three masked Knights. The Harts systematically destroyed the heels, but before bowing out, Shawn managed to eliminate Owen with a fluke pinfall. Owen was upset that Bret didn’t protect him, and began challenging him to a match. Bret constantly maintained that he didn’t want to fight his brother. Finally, the brothers reconciled and agreed to team against the Quebecers at the Royal Rumble.

Meanwhile…

Shawn Michaels: Shawn had lost and regained the Intercontinental title midway through 1993 (acquiring bodyguard Diesel in the process) but a contract dispute caused Shawn to temporarily leave the WWF. The WWF responded by not only holding him to his contract, but stripping him of the Intercontinental title, and holding a battle royale on RAW, with the final two men fighting for the title the next week. Razor Ramon and Rick Martel were the final competitors, and Ramon finished him with ease the next week to claim the belt. However, in November, Shawn re-signed with the WWF, and began appearing on TV again…with the Intercontinental title. Or rather, the belt he took with him when he was suspended. Ramon was none too pleased.

Royal Rumble 1994: Bret and Owen ended up dominating the Quebecers, but Bret injured his knee at one point, and the champions took advantage. They wore him down until he was to the point of not being able to continue, and at a crucial point where Bret could have tagged Owen, he instead chose to apply the Sharpshooter to Pierre. This cost the team the titles, as his knee collapsed and the referee stopped the match and awarded it to the Quebecers. Owen had had enough, and he stomped on Bret’s knee in frustration and stormed back to the dressing room, delivering the semi-famous “You’re Too Selfish!” interview. Bret was hurt badly, but Bastion Booger was also injured, and Bret ended up taking his place in the Rumble match itself. Razor Ramon defended the IC title against Irwin R. Shyster, with Shawn Michaels interfering to apparently give IRS the title, but the decision was reversed. In the Rumble, Both Bret and Lex Luger drew late numbers, and in the end, it was down to the two men. They both ended up tumbling over the top rope and landing at the same time, with several camera angles being inconclusive, so a tie was declared and both men were the winners and would receive the title shot.

Then…

The Buildup: It was decided that the fairest idea was to give both men a title shot at Wrestlemania: A coin would be flipped, and the winner would get the first shot, with the other man meeting the World champion in the final match of the night. If Luger won, then he would wrestle for the title first while Bret wrestled Owen Hart (as “suitable competition”). If Bret won, then he would wrestle for the title while Luger met Crush. Luger won. While this was going on, Yokozuna was busy defending his title on RAW, notably against Crush in one match. He beat Crush, then delivered a few extra Banzai drops for good measure, putting him out of wrestling for a few weeks. Randy Savage made the save, but Crush was upset that Savage didn’t call him in the hospital, and when he returned from injury, it was with an evil goatee and Mr. Fuji as his manager. Finally, the WWF decided to end to the controversy between Ramon and Michaels with a ladder match.

And with all that in mind…

– Live from Madison Square Gardens, original airdate March 20, 1994.

– Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler.

– Throughout the night are “Wrestlemania Moments”, great little nods to the history of the show.

– Opening match: Bret Hart v. Owen Hart. This was not only a great match, and one of the three matches generally considered the greatest opener of all time (alongside Pillman/Liger and Mysterio/Psycosis), but it was also the match that turned Owen Hart from mid-card joke to main event threat. It also marked the debut of Owen’s current choice of tights. The heat for this match is unreal, as the fans are firmly behind Bret Hart’s side of the story. Owen gives Bret the big stink-eye, which makes Bret distinctly uncomfortable.

And now, the match:

They lockup, and Owen pushes Bret off, then celebrates. Cheap heat, but hey, you take what you can get. Owen gets the best of a wrestling sequence and celebrates. Bret retaliates by sending Owen to the floor, which pisses him off and he slaps Bret upon returning to the ring. Bret takes control, working on the arm. Bret gets two off a cradle, then goes back to the arm. After another terrific wrestling sequence, Owen ends up getting tossed to the floor again, and now Bret celebrates. Crowd is much more appreciative of this. Owen has another fit and a shoving match results, off which Bret gets a rollup for two. Bret back to work on the arm. Bret gets a crucifix for two, then back to the arm. Good psychology here. Owen takes control with his SWANK~! leg lariat and sends Bret to the floor. He rams Bret’s back into the ringpost, establishing the back injury for Bret. Owen gives Bret a cross-corner whip (first time I’ve seen Bret sell it back-first, actually) and hits a backbreaker. FIVE MOVES OF…oh, wait, wrong brother. Owen slaps on a camel clutch while trash-talking his brother. Bret escapes, but gets caught with a belly-to-belly suplex for two. Sweet sassy molassy, I love that belly to belly. Another cross-corner whip, reversed by Bret, and Owen comes off the ropes with a bodypress, which is reversed by Bret for a two count. Owen goes back to the back. Resthold from Owen, thus dropping it from *****. Owen tries to slam Bret, but Bret falls back for a two count. Owen’s kickout sends Bret to the floor. Beautiful sequence as Owen suplexes Bret from the apron, and Bret reverses to a waistlock, which Owen reverses again for a German suplex for two. Just gorgeous wrestling. Legdrop from Owen for two. He goes for a suplex, but Bret cradles for two. He goes for a backbreaker, but Owen flips through and tombstones Bret. Nasty one, too. Flying headbutt misses. Inverted atomic drop and clothesline from Bret for two. Wait for it…wait for it….FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! Owen hits an enzuigiri to break it up, then goes for the Sharpshooter. Bret counters. He goes for his own, and Owen counters. Owen cradles for two, but gets kicked out of the ring. Pescado from Bret, but he f*cks up his knee. Owen circles in like a vulture, working on the knee and mocking his brother. What a jerk. Dragon screw legwhip (called “Look at that!” by the ever-astute Mr. McMahon) and a submission move of some sort follows. Another dragon screw, then a figure four, which gets a two count. Bret reverses to break the hold. Owen goes back to work on the knee. Another dragon screw legwhip attempt, but Bret counters with an enzuigiri. Crosscorner whip and legdrop gets two. Bulldog for two. Piledriver for two. Superplex, and both men are out. Bret revives long enough to get a two count. Both get up and Bret hits a sleeper. Owen breaks with a Flair uppercut (Where? Down there…) and Bret drops like a rock. Sharpshooter! Bret powers out and applies his own, but Owen makes the ropes. Bret with a cross corner whip, Owen reverses. Owen eats foot coming into the corner, and Bret goes for a victory roll, but Owen reverses the momentum and lies down on top for the pin! The crowd is in SHOCK. ****3/4…oh, hell, who am I kidding? This is the one of the best matches I’ve ever seen. *****, just because Bret continued selling the leg injury to the end of the show.

– Owen does his victory interview.

– Howard Finkel shows us his new toupee. Wow, that didn’t last long.

– Doink and Dink v. Bam Bam Bigelow and Luna. And into every life a little crap must fall. Among the things that killed Bigelow’s career, this ranks pretty highly. This is the transition show, as Matt Bourne was turfed from the WWF and replaced with indy worker Ray Licachelli, who continues to use the gimmick today. Surprisingly, the match doesn’t totally suck, as Ray isn’t a bad little worker. I could’ve done without the Luna and Dink stuff here, but to paraphrase Jim Ross, they never promised a scientific classic. Bigelow finishes this with a flying headbutt on Doink. Worth about *1/2, actually.

– “Mr. President” is in the crowd, you see. Sitting beside Billy Red Lyons. Yeah, right. It is of course that Bill Clinton imitator guy.

– Falls Count Anywhere: Randy Savage v. Crush. In pre-hardcore WWF days, the stips were that you had to pin your opponent anywhere *but* the ring, and then the pinned guy would have 60 seconds to beat the count back to the ring. Good enough.

First fall: Crush jumps Savage in the aisle, and drops him on the railing for the pin. Savage beats the count.

Second fall: Crush tries to throw salt in Savage’s face, but he kicks it back into Crush’s face. Double axehandle, bodyslam, big elbow, then he rolls Crush onto the floor and pins him. Fuji revives Crush with a pitcher of water and Crush beats the count.

Third fall: Savage takes his last Wrestlemania MANSIZED bump, getting backdropped over the top rope, and they fight to the dressing room. Savage rams Crush into a bunch of doors, then pins him. He hogties Crush in a scaffolding (doing a shitty job of it), but Crush plays dead long enough for Savage to win the match. ** Savage’s last hurrah in the WWF.

– “Mr. President” is interviewed again. Geez, remember when the most controversial material Lawler had to use against Clinton was his love of McDonalds?

– Women’s title: Alundra Blayze v. Leilani Kai. As short as Kai is old. For those who complain about the cheap T&A of the current Women’s division, just remember: FABULOUS MOOLAH COULD COME OF RETIREMENT AT ANY TIME. Blah blah blah, Blayze hits the GERMAN SUPLEX OF DEATH and gets the pin to retain. Next. *

– WWF World tag team title: The Quebecers v. Men on a Mission. As a rough guide to what we had to put up with even before Mabel’s singles push, Oscar is not only a bad manager and generally worthless human being, but he’s also an INCREDIBLY BAD RAPPER. I mean, shit, I’m as white as they come and *I* could probably do a better job. Oh wait, before we get to the match, it’s a Sports Entertainment Moment.

– Toad Pedophile interviews Rhonda Shear (who?), but Shawn Michaels interrupts. Burt “It’s past 5 PM so I’m drunk off my ass” Reynolds makes the save. Man, that guy was going down the tubes before Boogie Nights saved his career.

Anyway, back to the match. I love the Quebecers (in a manly sort of way) and Johnny Polo is a god among men (but Raven sucks). Brother Zen points out that Johnny is wearing a Versace suit here. Quebecers get to show off a lot of their SWANK offense, as Pierre bumps around like a Mick Foley disciple. No wonder Bret Hart was able to carry the guy to a great match. Les Quebecois even manage to double suplex Mabel. He comes back with a FAT-ASSED leg lariat (Dick Togo has nothing on Mabel for sheer Fat-Assed-Ness). Mo adds his own useless offense, but the champs hit the cannonball thingie for two. MOM come back with the assisted splash, and then everyone ends up on the outside and Pierre gets splashed out there. MOM beats the count for the win. Pretty okay at times. **1/2

– WWF World title match #1: Yokozuna v. Lex Luger. Donnie “My little brother is a bigger star than I ever was” Walhberg is the guest ring announcer, and Rhonda Shear is the guest timekeeper (that would require the ability to count past ten, right?). The WWF was teasing guest referees for the two title matches, and the first one is…Mr Perfect! Good pop for that. Luger actually looks decent for the first few minutes, hitting a flying bodypress and The Elbow Which Never Hits. But Yoko, who has the superhuman ability to make ANY match suck, goes for the DREADED VULCAN NEVER PINCH OF UTTER DAMNATION, and, well, that’s pretty much the entire match. 10 minutes of Yoko applying the nervehold. FAST FORWARD!

Hi, welcome to ten minutes later. Luger makes the comeback, slamming the evil sumo wrestling, and nailing the LOADED STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DESTRUCTION, thus knocking Yoko out. BUT WAIT! Here’s Fuji…bam. Here’s Cornette…bam. Crowd is going crazy. Luger triumphantly goes for the cover…and Perfect won’t count. Still upset about WM9 or something, I guess. Luger gives him a love tap, and Perfect rings the bell, DQ’ing Lexy. Oooooooh, that’s gotta hurt. Wanna hear a LOUD “Bullshit” chant? There ya go. This pretty much marked the end of Lex’s usefulness in the main event ranks and wrestling in general, as Lex was now forever stuck with the choker label. 1/4*

– Earthquake vs. Adam Bomb. Oh, wait. Harvey Wippleman is out to lay a vicious tongue-lashing on Fink (which would in turn lead to the epic tuxedo match which I always regretted not taping…HAH!), and Fink pops him one. See, ALL the faces go over. Adam Bomb is out to defend the honor of his manager, and Earthquake follows. 10 seconds later, Earthquake has the win. DUD

– Jim Cornette delivers a classic overblown ranting interview, declaring that there’s no way in hell that Bret Hart can possibly beat Yokozuna, no way, uh uh, forgetaboutit, might as well go home right now.

– WWF Intercontinental title match: Razor Ramon v. Shawn Michaels. Oh, c’mon, it’s the FREAKIN’ LADDER MATCH. Do you REALLY need me to recap this one for you? Shawn and Razor redefine wrestling by beating the HOLY LIVING CRAP out of each other with the ladder, thus making Shawn’s career. Each guy takes about three MAN-SIZED bumps, and Shawn shows off his ass for the first time. You can’t sit there and recap this one, you just have to sit back and go “OUCH!” at the proper time to appreciate it. The famous ending is of course Shawn climbing the ladder after about 15 teased finishes, but Razor knocking it over and Shawn falling crotch-first onto the top rope and tangling himself up long enough for Ramon to climb up himself and “re-unify” the real and fake I-C belts. If you don’t like this match, you’re a retard. ***** Worth the rental right here, and the fact that it’s actually a better match than the opener just makes it all the more astonishly great. Shawn and Razor exchange hammerlocks and a hiptoss to start, but Razor gets a chokeslam. Shawn follows with a neckbreaker and stomps away. Ramon gets dumped out, and Diesel sneaks out and lays him out. Hebner objects him over Diesel’s objections that he didn’t see anything. Ramon nails Shawn and sends him upside-down in the corner, then dumps him. Brawl on the floor, where Ramon stops to pull up the padding before heading back in. He goes for the Razor’s Edge early, but Shawn backdrops him out of the ring, and onto the exposed concrete. Sick Bump #1. Shawn grabs the ladder, and Ramon steals it so Shawn heads into the ring and baseball slides it into Ramon’s face. Sick Bump #2. That also draws the first ‘Oooooooh’ from the crowd, of many. Shawn puts the ladder into the ring and nails Razor with it, then pistons it into his ribs from a standing position. He drops it on Ramon’s back, then waits for him to stand up and casually tosses it at Ramon’s back. Sick Bump #3. Shawn makes the first climb, but gets his tights pulled down. He shoves Ramon down and drops an elbow off the ladder. He sets it up in the corner and hits a flying splash off the top, another famous visual. He climbs, but Ramon pushes him over to stop him. They do a headlock/crisscross sequence for a double-KO. Shawn sets the ladder up in the corner, but gets whipped into it and goes to the floor. Ramon follows and makes a Shawn sandwich, with the ladder and the post as bread. Sick Bump #4. Ramon puts the ladder against the apron and catapults Shawn into it. Back in, he puts the butt-end of the ladder right into Shawn’s jaw and Shawn bails. Sick Bump #5. He climbs, but Shawn comes back in via the top rope and knocks him off. The ladder crashes on top of him in the process. Both guys climb and slug it out, leading to Shawn getting suplexed off the ladder. Ramon falls off and climbs back up, but Shawn dropkicks the ladder and Ramon crashes off. Shawn pushes the ladder onto him for good measure. Superkick puts Ramon down, and a piledriver follows. He climbs a folded ladder in the corner and rides it down onto Ramon. Sick Bump #6. Shawn puts the ladder in the middle with Ramon laying underneath it, just to be a jerk, but it backfires when Ramon recovers and pushes the ladder over, tying Shawn in the ropes in the process. Razor climbs unhindered and claims both the real and bogus I-C titles to become the undisputed champion at 18:47. ***** One of the best and most influential matches of the modern era.

– A big argument in the back cancels that exciting 10 man match.

– Main Event, WWF title match #2: Yokozuna v. Bret Hart. Burt Reynolds is the guest ring announcer/alcoholic, and some bimbo is the guest timekeeper. Burt slurs his way through the introductions, and oh yeah the guest referee is…Roddy Piper. The roof nearly blows off the place. Bret is STILL selling the knee injury as he enters the ring. He just can’t get it going against Yoko, who seems to be working a little harder here than earlier in the evening. Piper nails Cornette to completely send the fans home happy. Yoko nails a belly to belly and goes for the BUTT SPLASH OF DOOM, but he falls off due to being SO FAT, and Bret covers for the surprise pin. Now THAT’S a pop. Match is only about *, but who cares? What a great moment. Everyone pours into the ring to celebrate, except for Owen Hart, who stands in the aisle doing his Raven impression. End of show.

The Bottom Line: Vince isn’t very good at apologizing, as the period of time after Survivor Series 97 showed. This, however, was his own way of saying “I’m sorry for not believing in you” to Bret Hart, after taking the title off him a year previous to this. It was also a kick-ass way to retrain the WWF fans into liking wrestling rather than 2 minute Hulk Hogan matches, and it must’ve worked, because Bret and Shawn became two of the biggest stars of the 90s.

I mean, sure the rest of the card wasn’t so good, but who cares? The stuff that worked, worked BIG-TIME. This was the ultimate slap in the face to Ted Turner, as Vince watched him take his big stars en masse, and then proceeded to put on a show that would put EVERYTHING pumped out by WCW for the next three years completely to shame. That’s talent, and this quite simply is the best WWF show EVER. The best in terms of workrate, setup, hype, payoff and sheer entertainment value. Everyone who watched it left saying “Now that’s a good show”.

Now that’s a good show.

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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania XII

For those who have read the original rant from 1996 and cringed as much as I do when I read it, here’s a version that DOESN’T suck…

Live from Anaheim, CA. Original airdate March 31, 1996

Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler.

Somewhat notable pre-game show sees the, ahem, long-awaited blowoff for the Huckster v. Nacho Man feud and the Bodydonnas beating the Godwinns in the finals of the WWF tag title tournament. Which was the bigger parody? You decide.

Opening match: Yokozuna, Jake Roberts & Ahmed Johnson v. Vader, Owen Hart & British Bulldog. Yoko sends Vader over the top to start, and Ahmed follows with a tope con hilo that pops the crowd. Back in, Yoko gets caught in the corner, and Bulldog & Owen double-team him. Vader punches him down but gets caught with a Rock Bottom and Ahmed tags in. Powerslam to Bulldog, but a cheapshot from Vader slows him down and he plays face-in-peril for a bit. Owen gets a missile dropkick to stop a tiger bomb attempt during a comeback, and hits the enzuigiri for fun. Ahmed tags in Jake, who teases the DDT, but Owen blocks and Jakes gets worked over in enemy territory. Vader demolishes Snake, and Owen gets two with a flying elbowdrop. Bulldog powerslams him for two. Vader splash gets two. Yoko finally gets the hot tag, and beats Vader down in the corner, then everyone else. Jake comes in for the DDT again, and a brawl erupts. The ref is elsewhere, allowing Cornette to work his magic and Vader to use that advantage to Vaderbomb Roberts for the pin at 13:07. Major yawner. *1/2

Hollywood Backalley Brawl: Goldust v. Rowdy Roddy Piper. This was supposed to be Ramon’s match, but he was in rehab and on his way to WCW, so it’s noted homophobe Piper who gets moved into the feud. This is a pre-taped segment that takes place in an alley in “Hollywood”. Goldust pulls up in a gold Cadillac, where Piper is waiting. Piper smashes in his windows with a baseball bat and basically mugs him. He rams Goldust into a dumpster and tosses garbage cans at him. The editing here is pretty obvious. He whips out his firehose and sprays Goldust down. Geez, that’s not Freudian AT ALL, Roddy. Piper lays in some stiff shots, but gets low-blowed. Goldust runs him over with the Caddy (cue stuntman!) and drives away. Piper follows in a white Ford Bronco as we head back to the arena, where we find a dead crowd as a result of a long pre-taped segment.

Steve Austin v. Savio Vega. This was Austin’s first real feud in the WWF. Savio gets a quick side-slam and they brawl outside. Back in, Austin sends Vega to the ringpost and hammers him for two. Vega flips out of a hammerlock and spinkicks Austin for two. Meanwhile, Piper is on the cel phone. Austin works the arm. Funny watching Austin the Master Technician given what he turned into. Vega tries that flip counter again, so Austin drops him on his arm. Ee-yowch. Vega hits a cross-body for two, but Austin gets a Thesz press and they go into a series of pinfall reversals and fight over a backslide. Austin’s doing an admirable job of carrying Savio on his back here. We go to a split screen of the Bronco being chased by police on the LA freeway. If you don’t get it, it’s an OJ Simpson reference and believe me, it had ceased being funny by the time the WWF made it and is even less so today. Vega hits a quick side-kick, but Austin goes back to the arm. Austin heads to the top and eats boot coming down. Slugfest, won by Vega. He mounts the comeback but the ref is bumped on a leg lariat. Dibiase slips the Million Dollar belt to Austin, who KO’s Savio with it, then goes that extra mile and smashes it into his head once he’s down. Now THAT’S a heel. Dibiase revives the ref by dumping a glass of soda on his head, then Austin puts on a half-assed chinlock for the submission at 10:08. Crowd was silent throughout, but man that was one HELL of a match. ***1/2 I miss the real Austin.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. The Ultimate Warrior. The Bimbo of the Week for HHH is some blonde… I think her name is Rena-something. This was the Warrior’s big return, and HHH got to be the sacrificial lamb. And this was BEFORE his big punishment, oddly enough. Better days would of course be ahead. Warrior gets an anemic pop, despite piles of pyro and weeks of hype. He would disappear back to his hole in the ground four months later. Usual Warrior squash here as he no-sells a very quick Pedigree and finishes with his usual array of scientific maneuvers (shoulderblock, gorilla slam, splash) for the pin at 1:36. DUD

Backstage, we meet a debuting “Wildman” Marc Mero for the first time, as he gets into a Verbal Confrontation with HHH.

Diesel v. The Undertaker. This was built up by months of mindgames, and was one of the last true “dream matches” left for the WWF. They slug it out to start and brawl outside. Diesel goes headfirst to the stairs. Back in, UT gets a bodypress for two. Ropewalk is no-sold and Diesel dodges the flying clothesline and dumps Taker to the floor. UT comes back in and returns the favor. He posts Diesel and takes a swing with a chair, but Diesel ducks and then rams UT into the post. Back in, Diesel hits the big boot and pummels him. Sideslam gets two. Snake Eyes puts UT down, but he fights back. They do a really nice double-boot that knocks both guys out. Diesel goes to the bearhug but gets backdropped. Top rope clothesline gets two for Undertaker. Diesel suddenly gets the Jackknife out of nowhere, however, but refuses the pin. He picks Undertaker up and Jackknifes him again. UT suddenly revives, chokes him down, and no-sells a suplex. Flying clothesline, chokeslam, and tombstone is enough to kill Diesel dead for the pin at 16:42. Good match for both. **3/4

Piper & Goldust arrive back at the arena and fight to the ring. Goldust works on the knee and gropes him a bunch. Goldust hits the LIPLOCK OF DOOM, causing Piper to go berserk and apply a groin claw and knee to the groin (does anyone else see the scathing irony there?) and finishes by ripping Goldust’s clothes off to reveal S&M gear. Goldust flees, I guess essentially conceding the match. Total junk, but the crowd loved it.

WWF World title: Bret Hart v. Shawn Michaels. This is, of course, a 60-minute Iron Man match. Most falls win. A clock in the corner helpfully counts down the time and falls won by each. Mat wrestling to start. Bret works the headlock, burning up 7 minutes. Shawn tries the armbar as his time-waster of choice, working the arm.

10 minutes gone. Michaels takes Bret to the floor with a flying headscissors and Bret takes a breather. Back in, Shawn goes back to the arm. Matches like these make for easy recapping with all the slow stretches. Bret gets the headbutt to the groin and legdrop, then goes to the chinlock. I’m gonna resist fast-forwarding as long as possible. Shawn goes into a vicious wristlock but Bret doesn’t watch UFC, I guess, because he sells it like a resthold. Bret comes back and tries the Sharpshooter, then clotheslines Shawn to the floor. Bret lands in the lap of the timekeeper, but ducks a superkick and the poor timekeeper is down for the count (nyuk nyuk). Back in, to the chinlock. Bret is working the neck, Shawn the arm. Shawn clotheslines Bret, Bret returns the favor. Back to the chinlock. Must… not… fast-forward.

20 minutes gone. Shawn dropkicks him down, and back to the armbar. That turns into another cross-armbreaker and AGAIN Bret won’t sell. Hmph. To the hammerlock. Bret hammers him in the corner, but Shawn gives him a pissed-off knee to the gut and sends him shoulder-first to the ringpost. I sense some hostility there. Shoulderbreaker and double-axehandle to the shoulder, then hammerlock slam. Bret fights back but Shawn hits a single-arm DDT and cross-armbreaker. Again, Bret won’t sell. Shawn goes into a NASTY standing armbar, but Bret hits a stungun to escape. Bret catapults him into the ringpost for two. Voila!, the arm injury is magically gone. That is SO unlike Bret. Something’s gotta be up there. I’ve seen him sell knee injuries for WEEKS, and within the story here Bret’s arm should be hanging dead at this point. Shawn misses a blind charge and gets pounded with an atomic drop and lariat for two. Bret gets a bulldog and goes to the top. Shawn tries to stop him, but Bret counters by driving his knee to Shawn’s head down to the mat, bumping the ref in the process.

30 minutes gone. Shawn powerslam gets two. Bret gets a piledriver for two. Shawn takes him down with a rana and sidebreaker gets two. Bret takes the pussy route to escape a superkick, running to the floor. That draws boos. Shawn follows with a SWEET tope. Back in, bodypress-reversal gets two for Bret. Backslide into small package gets two for Shawn. Fisherman’s suplex gets two. Sleeper uses up more time. Shawn puts Bret in the corner and charges, but Bret backdrops him over the top and Shawn takes his patented “HOLY SHIT”bump to the floor in suicidal fashion. Bret tosses him back in and wisely starts working on the back. He drives an elbow from the 2nd rope, then hits the backbreaker and legdrop.

40 minutes gone. Bret banzai drops him on the back and hits a backdrop superplex for two. Bret goes to the rear chinlock. Shawn sunset flips him for two. Bret puts him on top and tries another superplex, but Shawn blocks, then gets nailed coming down. Bret cross-corner whips him and Shawn goes over the top and nails Jose accidentally on the way down. They brawl on the floor and Bret whips Shawn into Jose again, and yells at Jose. What’s up with that? Back in, Bret gets a belly-to-belly for two. Bret hammers him down. Shawn escapes a suplex with a rollup for two. Bret kicks out and sends him to the outside, then follows with his tope suicida. Bret allows the ref to count Shawn out, but then changes his mind and suplexes him. Shawn reverses mid-move, but Bret reverses that and hits a nasty german suplex for two, then does a good ol’ beatdown.

50 minutes gone. Back to the chinlock. Double KO, and Bret gets a quick superplex and goes for the Sharpshooter. He changes his mind and goes into a half-crab instead. He starts the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM, but Shawn kicks him in the face to block the elbowdrop. Standing dropkick sends Bret to the corner, and Shawn comes off with a fivearm. Running elbow and double axehandle get two. Flying elbowdrop gets two. Doctorbomb and moonsault press get two. Flying rana gets two. Shawn goes up with one minute left, but gets caught with the Sharpshooter on the way down, and Bret holds on until the 60 minute time limit expires. The match is a draw.

BUT WAIT! Gorilla Monsoon declares that there MUST BE A WINNER, so Bret comes back…

Overtime: Bret continues hammering the back, hitting a backbreaker, but Shawn gets Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere. He’s too tired to capitalize, and Bret does a half-hearted selling job. Shawn hits it again and that’s enough to put Bret out, and Shawn gets the pin and the WWF World title at 1:47 of overtime. ****3/4 Can’t go the full monty for this one because of Bret’s attitude problems, and the fact that there was about 5 different points where a pin or submission could have feasibly occurred, but neither guy wanted to job first. But the rest is AWESOME.

The Bottom Line: A pretty blah show in terms of fan interest and storyline, but there’s actually some good quality wrestling here, and with only 5 official matches and three of them being good, you can’t really beat that.

Still, the Bret-Shawn match is definitely an acquired taste, and prepare to be bored if you’e not into the storyline of the match. It should be noted that this match set the stage for the next year and a half of real-life soap opera, so it definitely has historical value. Bret Hart took six months off after the show to pout while Vince went with Shawn as his champion, before doing a monster heel turn thanks to Steve Austin. The promised rematch would not occur until Survivor Series 97, and we all know what happened there.

Mildly recommended.
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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

– Here’s an interesting bit: Before Zen’s copy of WM13, there’s a copy of Bret Hart’s tirade from Albany where he loses to Sid and then goes off on a curse-filled rant about getting screwed while Vince looks on. Eerily prescient of what would happen at Survivor Series later that year.



– Here’s another interesting bit: I’ve never seen this show before. I was working for the original airing, and the results didn’t move me enough to watch it after the fact, aside from Austin-Hart and Sid-Taker. Everything else I simply zapped through on fast forward.

– Live from Chicago, Illinois.

– Your hosts are Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler and Vince McMahon.

– Free-For-All match: Flash Funk v. Billy Gunn. This is only included here because I find it amazing that Gunn went from nothing low-midcarder to “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn, DX member and major star with catchphrase. This is a total nothing time-waster as Gunn spends most of it chinlocking Scorpio. I make sure to bug my roommate about wearing his hair exactly like Gunn. This was pre-Rockabilly, btw. That would be the *next* PPV. Match gets moderately good at the end as Scorp makes the comeback with a victory roll off the top rope, something which I haven’t seen before or since. A moonsault hits the knees, however. Gunn goes to the top and gets crotched, yet pulls out a tornado DDT for the pin. Now *there’s* a good finisher for him today. Not a bad match. **

– Opening match proper: The Headbangers v. The Blackjacks v. Furnas & Lafon v. The Godwinns. The winners get a tag title shot at some indeterminate time in the future, which never comes into play. Hmm, there’s two members of the Ministry of Darkness here: Phineas Godwinn, who would become known as Mideon, and Bradshaw, who would become known as Bradshaw. No one in the ring is over in the standard sense of the word. As a rough guide, the periods with {Furnas or Lafon or Mosh or Thrasher} v. {Not Godwinns} are quite watchable, and the rest is not. Blackjacks and Furnas/Lafon get themselves disqualified fairly quickly, leaving the epic Headbangers/Godwinns feud to reach it’s zenith. Mosh should jump to WCW and become Saturn’s partner. He’s got the look and the music…hey, this *is* a little coincidental, isn’t it? Crowd is dead for this. The Headbangers have the gall to work in a highspot to boost it a 1/2*, with Mosh doing a springboard bodypress to send Henry to the floor, then Rocket-Launching Thrasher onto Henry on the floor. Thrasher tries a moonsault back in the ring but misses. A pier-six erupts and Mosh hits a cannonball on Phineas for the pin. Oddly enough, at Badd Blood, Mosh would try that very spot and get powerbombed to lose the tag titles to the Godwinns. Ah, yes, the announcers refresh my memory by pointing out that the Bangers will meet Owen and Bulldog the next night on RAW. The match ended up being nothing. **

– Brian Pillman and Sunny hype the hotline. Man, life turned to shit for both of them, didn’t it?

– The Honky Tonk Man is out to remind us he’s here and do commentary for…

– Intercontinental title match: Rocky Maivia v. The Sultan. Wow, welcome to Bizarro World. Who would have EVER, I mean, EVER thought that Rocky would end up main-eventing what should turn out to be the biggest Wrestlemania ever? And a three-time WWF champion with a huge following? Rocky gets *no* pop. For the record, this was supposed to be Rocky getting beaten like a dog by “Wildman” Marc Mero, but the injury to Mero that put him out for almost a year prevented it, and so we get the Sultan, evil Arab. Rocky tries more stuff here than today (dropkick and a couple of other moves) but it doesn’t look very good. The dreaded “Rocky Sucks” chant makes it’s PPV debut here. Several times, and very loud. Terrible match. The Sultan is former Headshinker Fatu, for those who don’t know. The Sultan hits a headbutt off the top but only gets two. Sultan…moves…so…slow. Lots of resting. I’m soooo glad Rocky had a personality transplant in late 97. Faarooq is probably less glad, of course. The crowd is downright hostile towards the Rock, even booing him as he powers out of a chinlock. Rocky makes the superman comeback, hulking up and drawing no reaction from the crowd. He nails a belly-to-belly for two and hits his “Layin the Smack Down” DDT, setting up a flying bodypress, but the Iron Shiek is distracting the ref. Sultan gets a superkick and a piledriver for a couple of two counts, but Rocky rolls Sultan up out of nowhere for three. Crowd isn’t appreciative. Vince, who is many things, is not stupid. He heard the crowd reaction and took the title off Maivia soon after, then re-tooled him into The Rock a few months later. The rest is history. The Evil Foreigners work over Rocky, but Rocky Johnson makes the save. -* A horrible match.

– Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Goldust. Geez, who’s the chick with no breasts, a huge jaw, and thin hair? Oh, wait, it’s Chyna. And since when is “Amazonian” a word? HHH gets no heat. Goldust gets less. Man, if you were in the crowd for this show, I’m sorry for you. This is the less-than-enthralling blowoff for the feud that introduced Chyna. The more I watch these old HHH matches, I more I’m amazed that he’s currently one of the most popular wrestlers in the world. HHH gets beat on for a while, which is Good, because The Mantra of the Smark says that Hunter is a good seller but has lousy offense. Fabulous bump from Goldust, as they fight on the top rope and HHH shoves him to the floor. The bump is less impressive on replay as you can see Goldust slamming the mat for effect on the way down. HHH goes into his punch and kick offense (and knee, can’t forget the knee). Oh my GOD, Hunter uses a swinging neckbreaker AND an abdominal stretch, and that’s TWO moves which don’t involve his knee. Doesn’t last long as Helmsley pulls out the high knee and kneedrop. They exchange some two counts and Goldust makes a comeback with a buttbutt. He gets a bulldog for two. Chyna starts to go after Marlena. Goldust goes for the Curtain Call, but Hunter reverses to the Pedigree. Goldust reverses that and slingshots him, but tries to save Marlena, only to accidentally send her into the arms of Chyna, and then get Pedigreed for the HHH win. Oh, the crushing jaws of irony. Crowd couldn’t possibly be less excited. *1/2, mostly for the last sequence and Goldust’s bump.

– WWF World tag team title match: Owen Hart & Davey Boy Smith v. Vader & Mankind. This is just before the tearful Hart family reunion on RAW. Vader and Mankind were both managed by Paul Bearer at this point. Vader pulverizes Owen to start, not selling anything of consequence. It gets really ugly and disjointed from there, as Bulldog does a lot of kicking and punching. Everyone is a heel here, so the crowd chants for Owen. Go fig. Bulldog gets hit with the urn and becomes heel in peril. This is a very dull match. Mick is looking downright skinny here. Vader does his patented “try something off the second rope and get powerslammed” spot and Davey tags Owen. Owen with a flying bodypress for two, but gets nailed by Vader and becomes heel in peril #2. Vader and Mankind do Demolition Decapitation on Owen on the floor. Cool. Boring “beat up Owen” segment, although Owen does a nice bit with Mankind in the corner. Then a nice belly-to-belly on Mankind on the floor. Owen and Mick really need to do a feud. Owen gets the hot tag and Bulldog cleans house…but get Mandible Claw’d. Both guys fall to the floor and get counted out. Yawn. *1/2 Again, some nice spots, nothing else. For those who don’t know, Mankind and Vader were originally promised the tag titles here, but Bret Hart pulled a power play and demanded that the Harts keep the belts to set up the Hart Foundation angle.

– We see a review of the Hart-Austin storyline, and it’s SOOOOOOOO precognizant that it’s FUCKING SCARY. Bret becomes increasingly paranoid and worried about being screwed over by his friends, he’s bitter towards Shawn Michaels, he thinks Steve Austin is taking his place and the WWF is turning into a bunch of degenerates…I mean, my god, it couldn’t have been any more perfect if you had written it to turn out like it did. Watching this footage really undermines Bret’s case and makes him look like the Boy Who Cried Wolf with regards to Montreal. I mean, he’s been crying about being screwed for months before right? Wow. Vince is an evil genius.

– Submission match: Bret Hart v. Steve Austin. Ken Shamrock is the guest referee. Brawl outside the ring to start, with Austin crotching Hart on the STEEL railing and clotheslining him to the floor. They brawl into the crowd, with Austin ramming Bret into the boards and pounding on him. Hitman comes back and they brawl up the stairs. Back to the ring, and Hart takes a MAN-SIZED bump to the stairs. Austin clotheslines him off the apron. Austin tries to use the steel steps but Bret kicks them out of his hands. Austin rams Bret to the post. We actually go the ring. Austin stomps on Bret, but Bret pulls out a neckbreaker and an elbow off the second rope. Vince starts badmouthing Bret, nothing that he’ll probably have an excuse if he loses. Wow, I mean, WOW, this shit is brilliant in retrospect. I stand in awe of Vincent K. McMahon. Bret works on Austin’s knee viciously. Austin suddenly hits the stunner out of nowhere, but can’t capitilize fast enough. Big Austin chant. Bret goes back to the knee. The ringpost figure-four makes it’s PPV debut to a monster pop. Bret grabs the bell and a chair, and opts to try the Brian Pillman Maneuver on Austin, to a big pop. Austin gets loose and WHACKS Hart with the chair, to a big pop. Another monster shot and a monster pop. Crowd is INTO Austin, big time. Austin with a slam, cross-corner whip and a suplex. Elbow off the second rope. Austin hits a russian legsweep and applies an odd cross-armbreaker. Crowd is 50/50. Boston crab from Austin to a big pop. Bret makes the ropes, so Austin goes for a Sharpshooter instead. Jerry: “Wouldn’t that have been incredible, to have to submit to the Sharpshooter?” Vince: “Hey, it could happen.” No shit. Bret escapes and Austin tosses him to the floor. Whip reversal sends Austin crashing into the timekeeper. Austin rips open a huge gash on his head. Now that’s some high-quality blading. Austin gets rammed to the stairs and the ringpost. Austin is literally dripping blood on the ring. Hart drops an elbow and stomps away. Crowd doesn’t feel so good about Bret now. He grabs a chair and smashes it into Austin’s knee. You can almost feel the crowd changing sides. Bret goes for the Sharpshooter but Austin blocks. Bret pounds Austin in the corner, but Steve counters with a greco-roman ballshot. Austin whips Bret to the corner, then does some stomping of his own. Austin with a superplex. Austin’s face is literally covered in blood. Austin grabs a cable from ringside and chokes out Bret, but Bret grabs the bell that he brought in 10 minutes earlier and rings it on Austin’s head. Sharpshooter. We get the famous shot of Austin bleeding all over the ring and screaming in pain. Austin fights the pain and powers out…but Bret hangs on. He reapplies the move and moves to the center of the ring. Austin passes out and Shamrock stops the match. Crowd is less than thrilled. Austin is DEAD. Bret soaks in some cheers, then goes back to pounding on Austin. Shamrock takes him down and gets a big pop. Hart leaves to huge boos. Austin leaves to the crowd chanting his name. Hogan and Flair WISH they could pull this off. This would set off the Steve Austin v. Hart Foundation war that carried the WWF through all of 1997, and was supposed to culminate in Bret returning the job to Austin at Wrestlemania XIV, but, well, you know…shit happens. *****

– Chicago Street Fight: The Legion of Doom & Ahmed Johnson v. Faaaarrrooqqq, Crush & Savio Vega. Did I get the spelling right? That many double letters always throws me off. I miss PG-13 as the white boy rappers. D-Lo Brown makes his Wrestlemania debut, albeit as a non-speaking flunky in a suit. The NOD brings plunder with them. Total brawl, of course. Ahmed has a SWEET spot, doing a plancha over the railing onto Crush. Animal tries to piledrive Faarooq through a table, but blows the spot. There’s just too much going on here to follow. Faarooq gets slammed through a table by Ahmed, causing him internal damage. Fire extinguishers get used a couple of times. Savio puts a noose around Ahmed’s neck and the NOD B-Team tries to hang him. Y’know what’s really sad and ironic: Out of everyone involved in this match, the one with the most success and respect is D-Lo Brown, and he’s not even wrestling here. There’s a point there somewhere, but I don’t know what it is. Faarooq takes a sweet bump, getting yanked over the top to the floor by Hawk. His huge ass padded him. The match starts to drag, indicating it’s about 3 minutes too long. Ahmed goes for the Pearl River Plunge on Faarooq, but the NOD B-Team attacks. LOD finish Crush with the Doomsday Device and a 2×4 shot for good measure. Ahmed gives the unnamed D-Lo two PRPs and the PG-13 gets Doomsday Deviced simultaneously. Pretty good garbage match. ***1/2

– WWF World title match: Sid v. The Undertaker. Because it’s a special occasion, UT is wearing his original “grey rubber gloves and torn sleeves” outfit. HBK is doing commentary, working through the pain of the smile-ectomy he went through which put him out. Undertaker has gone through a year of shitkickings from Mankind, and this is his reward for loyalty. Sid gets the clear-cut heel pop. Bret Hart makes his way to the ring and grabs a mike, sending threats to Shawn, telling off Undertaker, and claiming Sid screwed him. So Sid powerbombs him. Served him right. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is your heel turn. Undertaker attacks Sid from behind and we’re underway. Undertaker hammers Sid a few time and slams him for a two count. Ropewalk shot, but Sid won’t sell. UT charges the corner but gets caught in a bearhug for resthold #1. And that uses up a couple of minutes. Big boot and Sid pushes him over the top rope, then into the Spanish announce table. Bad night for the foreign announcers. Sid drops UT on the railing a couple of times, then slams him through the table. Vince announces that this was changed to a no-DQ match beforehand. Sid rolls UT in for two. CAMEL CLUTCH OF DEATH is resthold #2. Double axehandle off the 2nd rope, and Sid stalls. Ugly powerslam gets two. And a couple more. Sid drops the leg for two. And a couple more. I like that he keeps trying for the pin, forcing UT to keep kicking out. UT hits the flying clothesline, but Sid no-sells. They fight to the floor. Back in the ring, UT misses an elbowdrop. Sid goes into resthold #3. UT breaks and powerslams Sid for two. UT applies a VULCAN NERVEGRIP OF DOOM for resthold #4. Sid escapes and they both hit a big boot at the same time for a double KO spot. Sid is up first for a two count. Another double axehandle. A sort of clothesline-like type thing off the second rope gets two. Match…..moving……so……slow. UT blocks another 2nd rope attempt, but Sid no-sells again and slams UT, then heads to the top rope. UT does the zombie situp and crotches Sid. Slam off the top, and UT goes to the top. Flying clothesline gets two. UT goes for the tombstone, but Sid reverses to his own. It only gets two. Sid dumps UT, and Bret is back. He wallops Sid with a chair from behind and gets dragged off by referees. UT takes advantage and rams Sid into the steel. Back in the ring, UT chokeslams Sid for two. UT misses…whatever…coming off the ropes and Sid powerbombs him. Nope, here’s Bret again. Sid knocks him off the apron, but walks right into the tombstone and gets pinned. Way screwy ending. UT wins his second World title. Crap match. 1/2* This was, for all intents and purposes, the last appearance of Sid.

The Bottom Line: I’d suggest picking up a copy of “Cause Stone Cold Said So”, which has the Austin-Hart match on it and can be bought for $6 at Wal-Mart. I wasn’t terribly into the WWF at this point, and remained so until the Hart Foundation angle went through the roof shortly after this. Wrestlemania 9 was the worst, but this is second. The big highlight is available elsewhere, so don’t bother checking this dog out.

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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania XIV

– Live from Boston, MA, 03/29/1998

– Your hosts are JR & The King.



– Quick word of explanation here, as I wanted the Michaels-Austin match review for the book, but the original live rant of this show wasn’t up to what I’d consider acceptable standards. And with RAW delayed three hours up here tonight, my pain is your gain. But please note – I only rerant on shows to change the writing style, not the opinions. If my opinions on a show have changed in the four years since the original rant, so be it, but I don’t go back and redo a perfectly good rant just because times have changed.

– Here’s an interesting idea that I took from Roger Ebert: Home-brewed commentary tracks for DVDs. See, with the recent hubbub over who is and isn’t allowed to participate in commentary tracks (ie. the director-writer squabbles) and how much they get paid (ie. Arnold’s ridiculous salary demands), it’s been noted that commentary tracks are getting worse by the DVD, and some great movies don’t have any commentary at all. So what this have to do with me? Well, you may have noticed that recent WWF DVD releases have SUCKED ASS in terms of quality, with zero extras for the most part on their PPV releases and a subpar video transfer that would allow tons of extra audio. So here’s what I propose: When I get another DVD-Rom drive for my computer in a couple of weeks, I’ll take one of the current WWF PPVs on DVD (like, for instance, Royal Rumble 2000), turn the sound down, and record a running commentary while I’m watching, in MP3 format. Then you can download it (depending on the size, I guess), and play it back in Winamp while you watch the same DVD with the sound down also. That way you can hear my thoughts on the matches as it’s happening (which sometimes loses something in the written translation) or I can explain move names with a visual aid right there on screen, or you can just hear how I cringe every time Cactus and HHH do something sick in the main event. On the downside, I’ll have to record at really low quality to keep the size of the file down, and hell if I know if I can find stuff to talk about for 2:40, but I think it’s a worth a try to show the WWF what we as consumers are looking for in their product.

– Opening match, tag team battle royale: We skip the intros of all the unimportant teams and move right to the returning Legion of Doom, or in this case, LOD 2000, as they were repackaged to look like drugged out extras from ‘Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome’ and put with Sunny. Presumably she thought that ‘LOD 2000’ was the name of a new prescription drug Hawk was taking at the time and by the time she realized her error, it was too late. Yeah, those schoolboy tights make you look SO butch, Animal. Usual schmoz to start, quickly followed by Savio & Miguel getting tossed. Kurggan (who I guess had just turned face) invades the ring and gets rid of Sniper and Recon (One of whom is Bull Buchanan, as if you give a f*ck). Barry Windham then does the same thing, eliminating Chainz and thus getting rid of mismatched partner Bradshaw at the same time. Man, did Bradshaw set the world record for crappy tag teams in one year before he found Faarooq or what? D-Lo goes out, thus taking Mark Henry with him. Ricky Morton doesn’t even get a chance to play himself, as he goes flying out. So do Kama (Godfather) & Faarooq, as well as the two remaining Boriquas. Bob Holly dumps the Headbangers, and Scott Taylor (Scotty 2 Hotty) charges someone and gets backdropped out. Godwinns & DOA have the showdown that will give me nightmares until I’m 40, as Hawk no-sells everything and blows simple clotheslines. HOG dumps DOA to win that battle of attrition (or in this case, atrocious), but they SWERVE us by coming back in to get rid of the Hogwinns. So that leaves the Midnight Express to get clobbered by the LOD and dumped at 8:19. I don’t rate battle royales, but this was pretty bad. The WWF tried the DOA feud and the ‘Hawk is a suicidal drunk’ angle before giving up for good.

– Lightheavyweight title: Taka Michinoku v. Mr. Aguilla. Speaking of changing personalities, Mr. Aguilla here was unmasked and repackaged as Papi Chulo before settling in as Essa Rios and getting overshadowed by his own valet, Lita. JR notes that Taka ‘ironically’ won the title at the December In Your House show. I think he was going for another point there and got sidetracked, because that’s pretty much the furthest thing from irony I can think of. Aguilla gets a leg lariat and Taka bails, so he follows with a baseball slide and quebrada. Back in, counter a suplex in and dropkicks him out, following with a high plancha. Back in, Taka stomps a mudhole and gets a pair of seated dropkicks for two. Aguilla tosses him, but Taka heads up, and gets armdragged back down. D’oh. Aguilla does Eddy’s springboard wristlock sequence, and when Taka bails Aguilla follows with a SWANK corkscrewed tope con hilo. Zounds. Taka goes up and misses a moonsault, so Aguilla gets his own for two. Taka goes up again, but Aguilla forgets his end of things and they do an awkward splash-to-knees bit. Aguilla snaps off a top rope rana, but Taka comes back with a missile dropkick. Sitout powerbomb, but another moonsault misses and Aguilla gets La Majistral for two. Aguilla goes up, but gets dropkicked and Michinoku Driven at 5:59. Just a bunch of spots, nothing that WCW wasn’t doing better on Nitro every week. **

– The Rock gives his classic asshole interview backstage with Gennifer Flowers, blowing off the world’s social problems as long as they don’t interfere with his lawn care. Funny stuff.

– European title: HHH v. Owen Hart. This was one of the weirdest booking runs I’ve ever seen, as Owen came back to feud with Shawn Michaels and ended up losing a series of matches to HHH instead, not even being allowed to win the Euro title from him, instead “winning” it from Goldust (in HHH garb) before Hunter took it back a few weeks later. Ironically, HHH would impersonate Goldust almost a year later to the day for an angle with Kane. Chyna is handcuffed to Sgt. Slaughter, back in the days before she looked human. Owen tackles HHH and backdrops him to start, and pounds away. Rana gets two. Hunter elbows him and stomps him down and out, but Chyna is prevented from cheapshotting him. Hunter then misses a dive and hits the railing. Back in, Sharpshooter attempt is blocked and Hunter USES THE KNEE and clotheslines him to take over. High knee gets two. Hunter gets a suplex and kneedrop, but Owen slugs away gamely. Blind charge hits foot, however, and Hunter DDTs him for two. Finally he listens to Lawler and goes for the injured ankle while Jerry bombs with an M&M joke. Hunter goes to a toehold and works on the ankle with some pretty weak offense. Owen fights back and slides out to post him, then heads up for a missile dropkick that gets two. Belly to belly gets two. Leg lariat gets two. He pulls out the ENZUIGIRI OF DOOM, but hurts his own ankle on the move. He still gets two, but tries another rana and Hunter reverses that one to a powerbomb for two. Back up, Owen bodypresses him for two. Hunter’s Pedigree attempt is reversed to a Sharpshooter, but Hunter shoves him into the corner and Owen rebounds out and falls down with a headbutt to the groin. Hunter tries again, but they triple-reverse into a Sharpshooter, while Hunter taps like a madman. BUT WAIT! Chyna has managed to struggle away from Slaughter (who’s quite useless, actually) and help him to make the ropes. She then powders Sarge and clobbers him, cans Owen, and it’s KICK WHAM PEDIGREE for the pin to retain at 11:28. And thus the push from hell begins. Psychology was a little goofy, with the ankle injury coming and going, but Hunter worked his ass off to keep up with Owen. The Jericho-esque finish knocks it down a tad, though. ***1/2

– Mixed tag match: The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust & Luna v. Marc Mero & Sable. I know what you’re thinking – with this collection of nutjobs and headcases there MUST be an interesting backstory, but not so much. Marc & Sable were kinda sorta doing the breakup/spousal abuse thang, but Mero temporarily turned babyface again for this feud because, let’s face it, compared to Goldust, Marc Mero looks sane. Goldust attacks, but Mero fends him off. Sable chases Luna next (with Sable getting a scary pop), but Luna runs and hides behind Goldust. Considering how Dustin was looking here, you could hide Big Show behind him. Mero backdrops him and Sable gets a back kick to send Goldust fleeing again. Mero keeps slugging away, but hits foot. Goldust hotshots him and chokes away. Mero crossbody gets two, and they butt heads for the double KO. Tags abound, and Sable just pounds the shit out of Luna until the crowd is going crazy. She tosses her around and nails Goldust for good measure, until Luna bails. Sable stands there yelling obscenities at her, looking quite pissed and showing fire that I’ve never seen from anyone outside of Jazz in the last four years. Luna makes a wise tag, but Goldust gets HIS ass kicked, too. Mero misses a slingshot splash in, however, but compensates by going low. The TKO is countered to a DDT for two. Curtain Call is reversed and Mero kneelifts him to set up the Merosault, which gets two. Blind charge hits elbow, but he crotches Goldust and gets a top rope rana for two. Rollup gets two. TKO is blown on Dustin’s part, but Mero still gets two. Sable comes in and dodges a flying Luna, who hits Goldust by mistake. Sablebomb gets two, and that should have been the finish right there. Sable finishes with an anticlimactic TKO at 9:10. You know, if Sable could have maintained that fire without letting her ego get ridiculously out of hand, Marc Mero could have ridden her coattails right back to the uppercard for months. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20 and all that. For what this was, it was quite good. ***

– Intercontinental title: The Rock v. Ken Shamrock. Last appearance of the classic IC title, I believe. Shamrock snaps right away, and dumps Rock. He takes a walk, and Shamrock drags him back in the hard way. Back in, Shamrock gets a pair of clotheslines and a sidekick, and he goes all ground-n-pound. Rock dumps him and introduces him to the stairs to take over. Back in, People’s Elbow (beta version 0.8) gets two. Shamrock comes back and tosses Rock, then grabs a chair. Rock uses it on him a twist of irony more bitter than tonic water (and what is UP with that shit, anyway? Do people actually drink that stuff or just remove old caulking from their bathroom with it?) and gets two. Sharmock snaps and finishes things in a jiffy with the anklelock at 4:51 to win the title. However, he keeps the move on past the normally-regulated zone of appropriateness and then beats up a bunch of local workers dressed as refs for good measure. Can you see the Dusty Finish coming? I knew you could. Yup, the decision is reversed and Rock keeps the title. The visual of Rocky laying on a stretcher in mortal pain while holding the title in the air with his free hand is worth the price of admission. It’s little things like that that got him over. *1/2

– Dumpster match, WWF tag titles: The New Age Outlaws v. Cactus Jack & Terry Funk. Road Dogg is still working the kinks out of that there catchyphrase. Brawl outside to start as Cactus runs Dogg into the dumpster, but can’t get him in. He takes a dive off the apron towards the dumpster, but has to stand around and wait for Billy Gunn to hit his cue first, which renders the spot less than 100% true hardcore. Funk gets backdropped into the dumpster, but they can’t get Jack in there. Funk escapes, but the Outlaws take turns slamming the plastic lids into their heads. That actually does hurt – the lid on the dumpster hit me while I was throwing out the garbage one time and it damn near knocked me silly. The old guys get put into the dumpster, but the Outlaws take too long closing the lids (dumpster psych?) and Jack claws both guys. Hey, no mixing gimmicks! Funk just uses a nearby bit of plunder. Well, in times of trouble, go with what you know. In the ring, Jack & Funk take turns abusing Road Dogg, and Jack drops a Cactus elbow on Billy. Jack finds a ladder, just because he’s Jack, and Gunn & Cactus climb up before Funk accidentally knocks the ladder over and both guys tumble into the dumpster. Gunn recovers and powerbombs Funk into the dumpster. The spot breaks the lid off, which the announcers don’t pick up on, so the Outlaws drag Cactus to the back for the standard hardcore backstage segment. Cactus gets tossed into a pile of gigantic Gatorade bottles (what is this, a Dick Sprang comic?) but Funk comes back with a forklift and dumps the Outlaws into another dumpster for the win at 10:00. Sadly, that dumpster was ruled ineligible by the Olympic committee the next night and they had a rematch that spawned D-X 2.0 and helped fuel the Attitude Era. This match was all sickish bumps from Cactus Jack in search of an ending that never came. **

– Undertaker v. Kane. Much like VD, the buildup for this was much better than the end result. Pete Rose starts a tradition, doing ring intros and stopping to insult the Boston crowd and draw huge heel heat. Kane of course enters first and tombstones him, thus making Pete the best seller in the whole match. Undertaker then makes a spectacular entrance, complete with torch-bearing druids and extended theme. We start with some no-sell action from Kane, but he misses a charge. He gets a clothesline, no-sold. Kane hangs UT in the Tree of Woe and keeps pounding away. That goes on a while, until he comes off the top with a clubbing forearm to put Taker out. Back in, Kane just keeps on a’pounding. Taker tries jumping on Kane’s shoulders in a bizarre spot, but Kane drops him. They out and wander around for a bit, as Kane uses the stairs in a manner most unbecoming of a gentleman. A hideously scarred face is no excuse for bad manners. Back in and Kane keeps slugging away while Undertaker keeps no-selling it all, until Kane chokeslams him for two and picks him up. YOU BASTARD! Put him away and end this match! Kane hits the chinlock and it just goes FOREVER. UT fights free, but gets clotheslined. Elbowdrop and back to the chinlock. Did the IC match go 15 minutes short or something? Taker dumps him to break and follows with the REDNECK ZOMBIE OUTTA CONTROL hands-free plancha, but misses and destroys the Spanish table. Well, that’ll show that table a thing or two. Back in, Kane goes up with his now-patented flying clothesline for two. They slug it out and Kane gets a tombstone, for two. They slug it out again and Taker goes clothesline, chokeslam, tombstone for two. Another one gets two. A third barely finishes at 16:58. That chinlock was enough to put me down for the count at 10:00, thank you. Amendment to the original rant: This DID suck. *

– WWF title match: Shawn Michaels v. Steve Austin. Mike Tyson is YOUR special enforcer, as he mugs like a mark in the ring. Steve Austin’s pop is uh Austin-like. You’ve gotta feel for Shawn knowing now what he was going through. Shawn stalls, and Austin isn’t impressed, and lets his fingers do the talking. A chase follows, as Austin unloads on him and literally kicks his ass. A backdrop puts Shawn out, but Hunter attacks Austin to buy time. The ref tosses HHH & his man-beast Chyna, so we’re one-on-one. C’est juste. Shawn keeps on Austin in the interim, as they brawl up the ramp and Shawn uses the D-X band’s drums as a weapon. Wonder if that’s cymbal-lic of anything? Ahem. Back in, Austin catches him coming off the top and sends him into the corner with a bump that f*cks up his back so badly that I can feel it four years later. It gets two. Austin works a wristlock, and gets a stungun for two. Stunner is blocked, but Shawn flies out and hits a table. He looks in SERIOUS pain from that Flair flip in the corner. Back in, Austin gets the FU Elbow for two. Austin hits the chinlock as they pow-wow about the back injury. Shawn jawbreakers out and wraps Austin’s knee around the post, but Austin pulls back and reverses on him. More brawling, but Shawn backdrops Austin into the crowd and then Tyson ignores a bell to the head. They head back in, as Shawn can barely walk and you can see the pain on his face with every step, literally. He keeps pounding away as best he can, but Austin spears him down and tosses him. I have no idea how he can do that stuff in his condition. Shawn wraps Austin’s leg around the post, however, to take control. He works the knee, but the back is getting so bad that he can’t bend over and has to stop between moves to rest on the ropes. Austin bails, but gets dropkicked into the table. Tyson helps him back in (giving him a wedgie in the process) and Shawn clips him viciously. Figure-four gets some near-falls with the help of the ropes, but Austin reverses. Austin slugs back and catapults him for two. Shawn grabs the sleeper, but the ref gets Stinkfaced and bumped. Austin stunguns him and tosses him around, but Shawn gets a grounded version of the forearm and he amazingly manages to kip up. Good god. He goes up for the Shane O Mac elbow, no ref. Sweet chin music is reversed to the stunner, reversed to the superkick, reversed again to KICK WHAM STUNNER for the pin and the title at 20:00 as Tyson makes the count and then turns on Shawn. Say what you will about Shawn, but mad props for his last match. Interestingly, this match was slagged by many in a sideways manner (as in, good but disappointing), but I think it was just WAY ahead of it’s time, as Shawn was forced to tone down that high-flying shit and go to a more mat-based style that ended up being a precursor to the stuff HHH & Rock were doing in 2000. Everything from the heavy psychology to the brawling in the crowd to the triple-reverse finish hadn’t yet migrated to the main event position, because Austin hadn’t changed the style yet. This definitely warrants a higher rating, considering all the injury factors involved. ****

The Bottom Line: Not as much of a blowaway show as would come later when all the talent in North America moved to the WWF, but it was very entertaining for what it was at the time and discounting most of the undercard, it remains so today. That being said, Austin-Michaels is about the only thing I’d really go out of my way to see anymore, but it remains an overall good show if you happen to watch the entire thing.

Strongly recommended.

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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The Netcop Retro Rant for Wrestlemania XV

You people never cease to amaze me.

Over the weekend, my mailbox was pretty much filled with one of two kinds of e-mails:

– What will I/what did I think of the “new” Nitro?

– Why was there no Wrestlemania XV rant?

The first one I can answer right now: Because we don’t get Nitro until later tonight up here. The second one is for a couple of reasons. First of all, I ran out of time leading up to the show and just didn’t get the chance to re-rant. I *did* have the live rant from last year’s show, but as my more devoted fans may know, I was hosting a Wrestlemania party at the apartment and as a result there were about 30 people packed into my living room and I was, to say the least, slightly intoxicated. As a result, my ratings were even more liberal than usual and it’s not the kind of report I wanted seen on Wrestleline. Besides, I wanted to rant on the DVD version because I needed an excuse to watch it in full and there wasn’t any other reason before now. If you’re wondering, it’s a fine DVD, chock full of extras like the Wrestlemania Road Rage party, and superstar bios, and interviews with techies, and other cool stuff. The picture is awesome (albeit limited by the non-digital cameras used by the WWF) and the sound is fairly impressive, although really a wrestling crowd can be done easily enough with Dolby Pro-Logic by looping the noise in the front and back speakers without having a discrete 5.1 mix, but hey, I appreciate the extra effort made by the WWF sound guys there anyway. The layer change is pretty noticeable, though, which is pretty much the only real problem with the disc, aside from the Freddy Blassie “Legends” promo that runs in the un-skippable FBI warning slot, like Disney does. Very irritating, especially since they run the same promo AGAIN during the actual introduction for the show. Those are minor quibbles on an otherwise fine first DVD effort from the WWF, however.

Live from Philly.

Your hosts are Michael Cole the Little Goatee Wearing Bitch and Jerry Lawler.

Opening match, Hardcore title: Billy Gunn v. Hardcore Holly v. Al Snow. The genius that is Vince Russo rears it’s unibrowed head again, as it was decided two weeks before the show that more heat would be generated by putting the Hardcore title on a hardcore icon like Mr. Ass and sticking Road Dogg into the Intercontinental title mix (which Gunn had been building into for months before). It had no effect on the buyrate because the undercard here was superfluous anyway, but boy it sure pissed off a lot of smart marks. And isn’t that what’s important: Swerving the internet fans? Think about it. Billy hits the one line he can effectively memorize after 5 years of partying with the clique before the match. You know, the one about sucking it. Kicky punchy to start. They fight at ringside with the crowd off buying nachos or “Mr. Ass” shirts or commemorative foam asses or something. I think foam asses would be a good idea – the image of the kids at ringside (who the WWF doesn’t market to) with their hands up the souvenier asses would be perversely funny enough to be worth the lawsuits that would inevitably follow. Snow gets a hockey stick, prompting the fans to chant for that hardcore icon, “Let’s Go Flyers”. The WWF should sign this “Flyers” guy, he’s pretty over. Billy Gunn, despite being the Hardcore champion, sticks out like a sore ass here. Snow controls with a broomstick. I wonder if that’s the same one that Ric Flair carried to all those great matches in the 80s? Snow hits a version of Air Sabu on Gunn, drawing “ECW” chants. That’s so banal I won’t even dignify it with a smart-ass remark. Table gets involved, and once again the bitter hand of irony interjects itself into our meaningless lives, as Snow goes through the table. Even in my increasingly drunk state a year ago I was able to call that one from 10 miles away. Gunn does a melodramatic build for the worst finisher in wrestling today, the fame-asser, hitting it on Snow on a chair. Wow, he can put his leg in the air, what a natural athlete. If THAT’S all it takes, then Kevin Nash is Bruce Freakin’ Baumgartner. Anyway, that gets two, and Holly bashes a chair over Gunn’s head (STEEL MEETS VACUUM!) and Holly pins the still-unconscious Al Snow to win his second Hardcore title at 7:06. In retrospect, obviously Bubblehead Billy wasn’t walking out with the title, and the WWF wanted to build to Snow winning the title in a match that MEANT something, so Holly was the logical choice. Match sucked though. ½*

WWF World tag title match: Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett v. D-Lo Brown & Test. A year later, and I’m STILL trying to figure out the point in sticking Test in here. Ivory was at ringside for D-Lo, still playing that timeworn wrestling cliché, the SPUNKY FEMALE SIDEKICK WITH ATTITUDE! Who knew Josie and the Pussycats would have such a profound impact on wrestling in later years? Rhetorical question: Test or D-Lo, who has the suckier music at this point? This was, of course, the old “two mismatched guys win a battle royale and get a shot at the tag titles” angle. I hear Vince Russo was pitching it as a sitcom (“Oreo Cookie”) to the networks behind the scenes, but it got nixed when Ed Ferrera playing the third wacky roommate, a spunky transvestite Mexican drag queen who moonlights as a black cop, was deemed too ridiculous and racially offensive, even for the WB. Although I hear they’re considering it as a mid-season replacement if that new Rosie Perez project doesn’t pan out. Anyway, Road Dogg doesn’t coin the term “puppies” until a month or so after this, so Jerry Lawler’s lecherous commentary seems unfocused somehow once Debra appears with her bikini-outfit. He WANTS to use a cutesy euphamism for breasts, but none is readily apparent. What I don’t get is why you can say “ass” but not “tits” on national TV. I mean, we’re only about half a notch away from “fuck” making it’s network debut as it is, why not go all the way? Test gets a quick powerbomb on Owen for two, but takes the enzuigiri and Sharpshooter. D-Lo saves but gets put in the Ricky Morton role. Before the match can go anywhere (like, say, past the 5-minute mark), D-Lo makes the comeback, but chaos erupts and Owen dropkicks him into a Jarrett rollup for the pin to retain at 3:58. Nice finish, no so nice match. ¾* The whole never ended up going anywhere, but I think it was just residual anger from Vinnie Ru because no one picked up on that sitcom idea.

Brawl for All: Butterball v. Bart “The Hammer, Lefty, the Man of 1000 Nickname and Nearly as Many Gimmicks, If We Keep Repackaging Him Maybe He Won’t Suck” Gunn. Blink and you’ll miss Butterball knocking Bart’s head all the way to All-Japan in 30 seconds. If you listen closely, you can hear JR laughing in the back.

The Big Show v. Mankind. Winner gets to ref the main event. Mick takes a boot to the face, and goes crashing to the floor. They fight for a bit, and Mick gets sent into the stairs. Back in, as the entire front row is treated for oxygen deprivation due to Paul Wight sucking so dramatically, Big Show unleashes his awe-inspiring offense. Why is it awe-inspiring? Because the audience goes “AW, crap, Big Show’s on offense”. Mr. Socko makes his Wrestlemania debut as Foley fights back, but Show keeps fighting the mandible claw off. Finally he does the Vader “fall back on Mick” spot to break the hold. Show abuses Mick with a chair and sets two of them up in the ring, then chokeslams him on them to draw the DQ at 6:50. All those who care, say “aye”. Thought so. ½* Vinnie Mac comes out to confront Show about letting the Corporation down, and gets nailed as a result. This would set up the awesome Union angle, complete with Tugboat “toot toot” soundbite to open up their theme music, thus making “Well It’s the Big Show” sound like Debussi by comparison. On the bright side, it turned Test babyface and thus prevented me from having to fly to Stamford and assassinate Michael Cole the Little Goatee Wearing Bitch for saying “The Corporate Team’s Hired Gun” one time too many in reference to Test. You have to draw the line somewhere.

Intercontinental title match: Road Dogg v. Ken Shamrock v. Goldust v. Val Venis. This demonstrates the Russo philosphy in a nutshell: If you can’t satisfy ’em, confuse ’em. Are the rubes losing interest in the Shamrock v. Venis program? Then make it a three-way with Gunn, add Ken’s slutty sister Ryan, throw Goldust into the mix, sign a four-way, and swap out Gunn for Road Dogg at the last minute. Voila, SMELL THE BUYRATE! It might suck, but people will be so wrapped up in trying to remember who the fuck hates who that by the time they piece it together, the match will be over! That’s GENIUS! Quick, someone give this man another $100,000 a year down in Atlanta. Dogg’s intros during this match were as awkward as a mullet discussion on Meltzer’s radio show (sorry, Cactusbix, but it’s that kinda show, and you were RIGHT THERE waiting to be targeted…). It is, however, nice to know that despite all the changes leading up to the match, Ryan Shamrock is still a whore. Shamrock and Dogg start, nothing of note. Goldust and Venis go, with Val reversing the Curtain Call into a spinebuster for two. Nice little sequence leads to Shamrock and Dog DDTing both guys, giving Goldust a two. Road Dogg tags in and does his usual to Val. You know you’re in trouble when Ken Shamrock is the moral high ground of a match – I mean, you’ve got the pot-smoking junkie, the porn star, and the sexual devient. Shamrock is merely high strung by comparison. Too much showboating from Dogg gives Val a backdrop suplex for two. Shamrock comes in and anklelocks Venis, but Val makes the ropes and they fight outside for the hella-lame double-countout. What, were they saving the match for the big blowoff on the next PPV or something? It’s friggin’ Wrestlemania, DO THE JOB. That leaves Goldust and Road Dogg, who had absolutely NO issue and were thus the logical choices for the finalists in Vince Russo World. Ryan Shamrock quickly turns on Goldust, since Road Dogg was the only guy in the match she wasn’t sleeping with and it was his turn, and Road Dogg rolls him up to retain at 9:47. That ending was weaker than D-X’s bong water on drug-testing day. *

HHH v. Kane. For those like myself who have trouble keeping track of who hated who during the Russo Era, HHH was the degenerate, but lovable, babyface, while Kane was the Corporate, but lovable, heel. SHADES OF GREY RULE! SMELL THE BUYRATE! Kane tombstones Pete Rose, as usual, before the match. HHH backdrops Kane over the top and they brawl on the floor. Kane eats stairs. Back in and then HHH goes voer the top. Kane crotches him on the barricade, and the Mean Street Posses tosses him back to ringside. Into the ring, Kane chokes him out. Legdrop gets two, Kane tosses him back out AGAIN and hits a pescado, although only in the same sense that one would write something like “Erik Watts hits a dropkick”. That is to say, as a little joke between author and reader. Back in, HHH mounts the comeback by…USING THE KNEE! Cue the overbooking as Chyna joins us, and if you look closely you can actually SEE her turning from face to heel and back SEVENTEEN times before she makes it down to ringside. The intensity of the match picks up, as neither guy wants to be stuck with her. Pedigree is blocked and Chyna tosses the stairs into the ring. Drop toe hold onto the stairs puts Kane out, but he’s up and they brawl to the floor AGAIN. Does the term “pre-match planning” mean anything, guys? Kane reverses a Pedigree on the floor, and back in for a chokeslam. Chyna comes in (turning from face to heel 4 times on the ring apron alone) and wallops Kane with a chair, turning face for the moment, and drawing the DQ at 11:33. Yeah, they gave them 12 minutes, just accept it. Big beatdown and tearful reunion results, although in retrospect the impact was lessened somewhat when they turned heel 30 MINUTES LATER. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking last year when I gave it a decent rating. ½*

Vince appoints himself special referee for YOUR main event tonight, because Mick’s in the hospital.

WWF Women’s title: Sable v. Tori. Tori was still recovering from her lesbian stalker period, and turned to Giant Gonzalez worship as the answer. So-called brawl outside leads to Sable hitting some sort of bodyblock off the apron. Back in and Tori hits two “running” clotheslines (which ended up in the realm of “shuffling” clotheslines after the first few steps) and a botched sunset flip gets two. I’m tempted to blame Sable, but given the god-awful nature of Tori’s matches since then, I think we can distribute the suck equally here. An embarassing wrestling sequence (and I use “wrestling sequence” in the same manner as I used “pescado” in the last match) gets two for Tori. I *think* it was a backslide, but I was too busy laughing at the bimbos to tell for sure and I can’t be bothered rewinding. Ref is bumped, because god knows this match needed SOMEONE to sell a move properly, and Tori counters the powerbomb to escape. Oh my god, she countered one of Sable’s patented moves! Someone tell Dean Malenko he’s got a new threat to his “Man of 1,000 holds” moniker. Nicole Bass does the patented Vinnie Ru Run-In and destroys Tori, and Sablebomb finishes at 5:06. The only thing more pathetic than Sable’s post-match celebration is the fact that this doesn’t even COME CLOSE to worst match of the show. -*

European title match: “Stone Cold” Shane McMahon v. X-Pac. Common sense and fan sentiment said that X-Pac kills Shane here and goes on to have a successful European title reign. But of course, SWERVES HAVE ATTITUDE, BABEE! X-Pac survives the assault of the Stooges to start, then chases Shane around the ring. Shane runs away like Vince Russo from good ideas. Back in, X-Pac kicks his head off and tries a broncobuster, but Test pulls Shane out. He posts X-Pac for good luck. Shane-O-Mac works him in the corner and then drops…the Greenwich Elbow. X-Pac moves, but Shane lowblows him anyway. Belt-whipping follows, but Shane gets bumped over the top and X-Pac hits a pescado. In this case, the total opposite of the Kane one. It makes contact and everything. X-Pac takes out the Posse, but Test gets in a cheapshot to drop him. Back in, Shane drops a 2^nd rope elbow, but gets dropkicked down from the top and superplexed. Test saves the pin, but gets taken out. X-Pac lays in his own shots with the belt, leading to the broncobuster. Test sneaks in and KO’s him with the title belt, however. It gets two. Shane misses his own broncobuster, and Test is in again. He gets a broncobuster for his troubles as HHH and Chyna are out to even the odds. However, HHH turns on X-Pac as Chyna distracts the referee by turning from face to heel 14 times in succession, and Shane retains his title at 8:41. *** However, it turned out to be an important storyline development, because without this match, Shane could never have gone on RAW and officially retired with the title after his first match. Of course, both Shane and the title were un-retired by Summerslam, but this is wrestling, and logic rarely enters into things. Eric Bischoff said so on Meltzer tonight between double-talk, so it must be true.

Heck in the Cell: Big Bossman v. Undertaker. This one had “bad idea” written all over it as plain as the eyebrow on Vince Russo’s forehead, but that’s never stopped them before. Punchy-kicky to start. And that goes on for good long while before they fight outside. Absurdist line of the night, from (who else), Michael Cole the Little Goatee Wearing Bitch: He declares that Hell in a Cell is dangerous because you can get your fingers caught in it. Lawler does me proud by responding to that one for me. Bossman cuffs Taker to the cell as a spontaneous “boring” chant starts. Undertaker does a bladejob best described as a polite concession to the expectations of Philly fans and the match format. Bossman gets rammed to the cage and joins the Gig Club, although really it’s about 0.0000004 Muta between them and I’ve seen menstrual flows that were more inspiring. Someone get these losers some aspirin and a “Best of Muta” tape, STAT. Meanwhile, the ongoing saga of which side of the arena can do a bigger “boring” chant continues. Sadly, I’m not sitting close enough to the rear speakers to make an informed judgment on the matter. UT mercifully tombstones and pins Bossman at 9:46. Call it
-***1/2, and that’s generous. The Brood rappels from the ceiling and HANGS the Bossman, which was of course forgotten by the next night, because CRASH TV = RATINGS.

WWF World title: The Rock v. Steve Austin. “Stone Cold” Vince McMahon comes out to be special ref, but HBK follows him out and draws the biggest pop of the night. Apparently only people who can pronounce “feces” correctly are allowed to be referees at Wrestlemania, so Vince is left in the cold on that one. Some other guy gets to ref instead. Hey, if YOU care about referee names, CRZ is RIGHT THERE. As for me, anyone who gets knocked out for five minutes from ANYTHING delivered by Billy Gunn isn’t worth a name in my recaps. At this point on the DVD, it drops back to the menu and you have the option of listening to Rock or Austin’s commentary, or neither. Since both sucked, I choose the last one. Slugfest to start, and they immediately do the WWF Main Eventer Time-Wasting Brawl â„¢. Austin takes a nasty bump to his knee up at the entranceway, and quick switch to the Austin commentary reveals that it looked worse than it felt. What insight. Back to ringside, where Rock goes through the Spanish table. I wonder if the table is proud of Eddy, too? And I wonder what Carlos and Hugo must think when they have to play along with “LATINO HEEEEEEAT” every week? I think I think too much sometimes. Back in, Rock recovers with Rock Bottom for two. Chair gets involved, ref gets the worst of it. Rock destroys Austin’s knee with the chair as ref #2 counts two. Extended chinlock follows. Austin comeback is cut short with a Samoan drop for two. Rock Bottom on the ref takes HIM out of the picture. Stunner on Rock gets…two. Ref #3 has joined us. Vince joins us as well as Rock hits a low blow and Vince decks the ref. “Stone Cold” McMahon beats Austin down in the corner until Mick Foley makes the save and takes over as ref. Austin rolls Rock up for two. Thesz press and running elbow follow, but Rock comes back with another Rock Bottom. People’s Elbow misses, Stunner, sionara. Good enough match, although Backlash was much better. ***1/4

The Bottom Line: Boy, the alcohol was sure kind to THIS show last year in the orginal rant. Sobriety and perspective reveals what a load of crap this one really was. Still, X-Pac v. Shane is pretty darn good for a guy who only worked two matches total last year, and Rock v. Austin is solid by default, so it’s not a total stinkeroo.

Besides, you just gotta vent sometimes.

Recommended to buy as a DVD, but not for the show, if that makes sense.
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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Retro Rant for Wrestlemania 2000 (XVI)

– Okay, so we’re back again with a fresh re-rant after a week of reposts. Unless of you’re reading this for the big repost fest on IP in the year 2024 for the Wrestlemania XL festivities. In which case, I can’t help you.

– Live from Anaheim, CA.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– This is one reason why the WWF was always better at certain things than WCW was – for instance, I don’t remember most of 1999-2000, so their constant video packages actually make it easy to remember the reasons for the midcard matches.

– Opening match: Godfather & D-Lo Brown v. Big Bossman & Bull Buchanan. I barely remember any of this period, with Godfather and D-Lo as twin pimps and Bossman training Bull as a prison guard or something. Ice T raps the black dudes down to the ring, to almost no reaction. Or record sales, judging by how badly “Aggression” bombed. D-Lo starts with Bull and slugs away, but Bull blocks a rollup and D-Lo dropkicks him. Back elbow and Godfather comes in with a slam and a double-team splash/legdrop from the pimps. He misses an elbow and Bossman comes in and pounds Godfather in the corner, getting a clothesline out of the corner, and a back kick for two. Bull comes in and goes with D-Lo, as Brown slugs away in the corner, but Bull hits him with the rebound clothesline that he would go on to screw up 150,000 times before getting fired in 2003. Bossman gets a cheapshot to turn the tide, and the prison guards get a double-sliding punch for two. Bossman gets a big boot and Bull follows with an axe kick for two. They switch off on D-Lo and work him over, and a double elbow gets two for Bossman. King starts talking about the “electric atmosphere” while the crowd sits on their hands for this crap. Bull goes to the bearhug, but D-Lo slugs out, so Bull & Bossman pound him down again. They slug it out and D-Lo goes for a crossbody, but Bossman gets a backbreaker for two. JR makes a reference to an “XFL fair catch”, and BOY you don’t hear those references anymore. Bull comes off the top with a double axehandle and keeps punching, but goes up and crotches himself with help from Godfather. D-Lo follows with a rana, which Bull seems unable to sell properly, and it’s hot tag Godfather. Backdrop and the heels collide, as Bossman misses a charge and Godfather hits him with the Ho Train. D-Lo goes up and gets shoved off by Bull, but he lands on his feet. Dropkick on Bossman, but he walks into the Bossman slam and Bull finishes with a legdrop for the pin at 9:04. INSANELY long and boring. *

– Meanwhile, HHH and Stephanie admire their belts. Ah, for the days when Stephanie was Women’s champion and everyone else in the division was so bad that it was a blessing not to have someone who wrestled as champion.

– Hardcore Battle Royale: This is a 15-minute match, and whoever is the Hardcore champion when it’s over is, uh, the Hardcore champion. OK, that sounds stupid, but whatever. So we’ve got Tazz (he used to be a wrestler, you know), Viscera, Pete Gas, Rodney, Joey Abs, Hardcore Holly, Taka, Funaki, Mosh, Thrasher, Faarooq, Bradshaw and of course Crash Holly (RIP). As expected, it’s a big brawl to start, and Tazz hits Crash with a capture suplex for the pin at 0:25 to win the title. So Tazz is now the champion. Viscera rams him into the post and slams him for the title at 1:00. Now see, the psychology is all off here, as everyone should just gang up on the champion in a sane world. Viscera fights with the Mean Street Posse using the Japanese flag as a weapon, but they fight back as people start to catch on. The APA (back when Bradshaw had heterosexual hair) try beating on him, but he fires back with the deadly COOKIE SHEET OF PAIN. Dull segment as everyone stands around outside and hits each other with no rhyme or reason. Bradshaw goes CRAZY with the cookie sheet. Hopefully no one gives him a spatula. Holly gets two on Viscera after a street sign, and so does Mosh. JR notes that “all these young pups taking these head shots will never forget their first Wrestlemania”. Actually, Jim, they probably did, which is kind of the problem. More heads hit with more signs. Into the ring, Viscera lays everyone out with the cookie sheet, which seems to the weapon of choice, but he goes up and gets slammed off by the APA. Faarooq uses a 2×4 to set up a Bradshaw shoulderblock and Kaientai covers to make Funaki the champ at 7:13. Taka turns on him and chases him outside, and they head back to the dressing room, where Rodney pins him at 8:10 to win the title. Joey Abs turns on him and gets a gutwrench at 8:23 for the title. Thrasher sends him into the door for the title at 8:43. Viscera pounds on him with the cookie sheet, and Thrasher stumbles back to the ring, but gets hit by Pete Gas with a fire extinguisher for the title at 9:28. Tazz attacks him and sends him into the post, as he does a gory bladejob, and Tazz suplexes him on the floor to win the title at 10:15 for the second time in the same match. Hardcore Holly sends him into the stairs for two. They slug it out and it’s back to more weapons. Mosh gets two off a cookie sheet. In the ring, the Hollies double-team Tazz, but Crash turns on Hardcore, and Tazz lays him out with the cookie sheet. That gets two. Why even make a cover? JR & King ask the same question. The Hollies keep fighting over who gets to pin Tazz, but Tazz gets another suplex on Crash. Hardcore powerslams Tazz for one, and Crash gets two. Hardcore tosses Crash and gets the DROPKICK OF DEATH on Tazz for two. Tazz hits him with a northern lights suplex and Hardcore bails, and Crash gets another cookie sheet shot on Tazz for the pin at 14:19 to win the title. Tazz comes back with the Tazzmission to a huge pop, but Hardcore breaks it up with a jar of candy and gets two on Crash, but Fink announces Hardcore as the champion. In the grand scheme of things, no one gave a f*ck. The time was supposed to have run out, but it didn’t, and Tim White had to pretend Crash kicked out at two, even though he didn’t. I must have been hitting the firewater to give this pile of horseshit *** upon first viewing, as 90% of it was meaningless fighting outside. ½*

– Steve Blackman & Al Snow v. Test & Albert. Okay, quick word of explanation here. Blackman and Snow were Head Cheese, as Snow engaged in a quest to find a personality for Blackman. Test & Albert were Trish Stratus’ first stint in the WWF, which just shows how incredibly far she’s come as a character and a worker since her debut in 2000. For one thing, she’s no longer overly muscled and freakishly tanned. Nor does she wear 6 inch lifts in her boots. Test starts with Blackman, but gets superkicked. Snow comes in for a quick double-team and Snow slugs away, but Test clotheslines him and brings in Albert. Test gets the big boot. Snow comes in with an enzuigiri on Albert, but they beat on him in the corner. Albert gets double-teamed in the Head Cheese corner and they get a double-clothesline for two. Snow suplexes him for two. Blackman kicks him down for two as things get REALLY ugly and the match just falls apart. Snow & Blackman work Albert over, but he comes back with a butterfly suplex and makes what appears to be a hot tag for the heels, as Test comes in and cleans house on Head Cheese and gets a sideslam on Snow for two. I don’t get this at all. Double powerbomb on Snow, so devastating that Snow pulls up his tights in mid-sell, gets two. JR apologizes about 18 times for the match as Snow hits Albert with a quebrada outside, and Blackman pounds on Test to set up a Decapitation double-team on Test for two. Albert baldobombs Snow and dumps him, and presses Test onto Blackman for two. JR keeps burying the match as Blackman superkicks Albert, but Albert basically no-sells and Test finishes Blackman with a flying elbow at 6:59 to end the suffering. If this wasn’t in the running for Worst Match of the Year, it should have been. -**

– WWF tag title ladder match: The Dudley Boyz v. Edge & Christian v. The Hardy Boyz. This used to be a FRESH matchup, for those who don’t remember those days. This was also the days when the Dudleyz were the hottest act in tag team wrestling and Bubba still had a southern accent. Edge & Christian were ZERO-time tag team champions at this point. Big brawl outside to start, and Matt starts in the ring with Christian, but gets dropkicked. Next up, D-Von and Edge, as Edge gets a leg lariat and they head out again. Finally, Bubba & Jeff, as Bubba chops him in the corner but gets hit with a corkscrew out of the corner. Bubba backdrops him and gets the Bubba Bomb, and they brawl out again. Back into the ring, as everyone fights it out in various combinations, and Matt tosses a ladder at Bubba, allowing Jeff to slam into it, and it’s the same situation on the other side of the ring with E&C v. D-Von. Matt slams D-Von onto the ladder and hits him with a yodeling elbow. Jeff DDTs Bubba and puts him on the ladder, but misses a 450 splash and splats on it. Wonder why Jeff stopped using that? Bubba retaliates with his senton off the middle ropes (one of the few times it actually hits), and then Edge rides a ladder down from the top, onto another one that’s on Matt. Everyone is out, so D-Von legdrops Edge beneath another ladder. Bubba does the Terry Funk spot with the ladder on his shoulders, but E&C double-dropkick it back at him. They flapjack D-Von into another ladder in the corner, and Christian climbs up a ladder by the apron, hitting Bubba & Matt with a dive to the floor. Jeff makes the first climb for the belts, but Edge spears Matt off the ladder. He climbs next, but Matt brings him down with a Fire Thunder Bomb and climbs himself. D-Von slams him off to break that up and climbs, but Christian tosses a ladder at him to stop it. Now Christian climbs, but Bubba sets up two more ladders and climbs one to chase, bringing him down with a Bubba Cutter off the ladder. The Hardyz swoop in and toss Christian, and then climb up two ladders and hit a splash/legdrop combo on Bubba from the top of them. Edge tosses Jeff, however, and E&C double-suplex D-Von off a pair of ladders. Everyone is out again. Now The Hardyz duel with E&C on the top of two ladders, and they bring each other down. So now the Dudleyz join the fray, and all six guys climb three ladders and fight it out, but Christian & Jeff get dumped over the top, while Edge & Matt get crotched on the top rope, leaving the Dudleyz all alone in the ring. Christian staggers in, so the Dudleyz sandwich him between two ladders and hit Edge with 3D. It’s time for D-Von to get the tables, but that catchphrase didn’t exist yet. So they set up two ladders and put a table on top of them as a makeshift scaffolding, but the Hardy Boyz bring them down again. They all brawl outside and Bubba powerbombs Matt through a table outside, as D-Von misses a splash and puts himself through a table in the ring. Jeff tries a railrunner on Bubba, but walks into a ladder. Bubba then finds an insanely high ladder and sets up a table next to it, but Christian hits him with the bell to put him on the table, and Jeff climbs the ladder and puts Bubba through the table with a swanton bomb to take both guys out of play. In the ring, D-Von suplexes Christian and climbs the structure, but Matt returns to pull him down and hits the Twist of Fate. Matt then climbs, along with Christian, and they slug it out up there until Edge follows them up and gets rid of Matt, and they grab the titles at 22:28, their first reign of seven. Time and perspective have shown that although the match was insanely influential, the rematch at Summerslam 2000 (Tables Ladders & Chairs) was the superior match, and this one had a slower pace and featured too much contrived setting up of the crazy spots. ****

– Terri v. The Kat. I don’t even remember the backstory with this, but Terri has Moolah and Kat has Mae Young. Terri is wearing a bodystocking in lieu of tights, as is Kat. Well, at least they’re being honest about it. They fight it out on the mat to start, and special referee Val Venis breaks it up with a kiss. This incites jealousy and the dreaded hairtosses and they roll around a lot. Kat tosses Terri, but Mae Young was busy distracting Val and it continues. Unfortunately. Mae & Moolah get involved, and Terri gets tossed again, but Val is still distracted. Terri gets back in and Kat is out, so Val declares Terri the winner at 2:25. JR told us not to use the star rating system before it started, but I’ve never been good at following orders. -****

– Dean Malenko, Eddie Guerrero & Perry Saturn v. Chyna & Too Cool. This was the start of Eddie’s “Latino Heat”, as he spent weeks hitting on Chyna, with no results until the night after Wrestlemania. Eddie starts with Scotty and grabs a headlock, but gets monkey-flipped. Scotty with a backbreaker and some moonwalking, and Chyna comes in, but Eddie hides behind Malenko. Dean comes in and gets clotheslined and Chyna slugs away, before Scotty gets a cheapshot from outside. Grandmaster Sexay comes in with a double-suplex with Chyna, and they get down, which is a truly scary sight. Sexay slams Dean, and Eddie comes back in, but walks into a backdrop suplex. Sexay goes up, but Saturn shoves him off. Saturn then stomps him down and the Radicalz work him over. Eddie gets a suplex, but puts his head down and Scotty 2 Hotty comes back in. He walks right into a hotshot, however, and Eddie keeps making eyes at Chyna. Backdrop suplex and slingshot senton, but he stops to knock Chyna off the apron and gets suplexed by Sexay to the floor as a result. It’s BONZO GONZO in the ring and Scotty puts Saturn in Worm position, and it’s a Double Worm on Saturn & Malenko, back when it was REALLY over. The Radicalz drag him out, however, and send him into the railing, while Chyna pounds on Eddie in the ring. This match is a mess. So back in the ring, it seems like they’ve finally got their shit together and Scotty is the face-in-peril, so Saturn superkicks him and goes up with a flying elbow. Eddie goes up and Scotty crotches him and brings him down with a superplex. Hot tag Chyna, and the Radicalz all have to bump like pinballs for her, as she hits Saturn & Dean with handspring elbows and stereo ballshots. Eddie lays her out, however, but she counters a powerbomb and gets one of her own. The dreaded IRON TESTICULAR CLAW sets up a press slam, and a drop sleeper finishes at 9:39. The stuff with Chyna was ridiculous, especially with a 150-pound woman supposedly able to dead-lift a 220 pound guy, and the match was almost totally lacking in flow. **

– Eurocontinental title match: Kurt Angle v. Chris Benoit v. Chris Jericho. The first fall is for the IC title, and the second fall is for the European title. Angle has both titles at this point. The DVD has commentary from all three guys (at the expense of the bitrate), so I’ll listen to Jericho’s commentary for the first fall and Benoit’s for the second fall. I still don’t get why they don’t do more wrestler commentaries for big shows. Benoit shoves Angle into Jericho, but gets clotheslined by Jericho. They all slug it out in the corner, and Jericho elbows Angle down, but Benoit unleashes the chops and Jericho dropkicks him into the corner and out. Jericho dropkicks Angle, but Benoit trips him up on the springboard dropkick and goes after Angle on the apron, but Jericho recovers and dropkicks both of them. Good spot. Jericho is really easy-going and funny on commentary, by the way, riffing on Benoit the whole time and talking about the spots. Angle hotshots Jericho on the stairs and gets two off it back in. Benoit saves and clotheslines Angle for two. Jericho saves and chops Benoit again, as they slug it out in the corner, and then he goes after Angle with a backbreaker, but goes up and gets shoved off into the table by Benoit. Benoit suplexes Angle for two. Backdrop suplex gets two. Jericho comes back in with a dropkick to Benoit and goes up, getting a missile dropkick on Angle for two, but Benoit saves. Jericho talks a bit about how much he likes working with Benoit and how they came up together. Angle suplexes Benoit for two while Jericho talks about working WWF style and working stuff from Japan. Jericho bulldogs Angle for two and gets into another chopfest with Benoit, but Angle suplexes Benoit for two. Jericho saves. Angle takes a powder and Jericho puts Benoit in the camel clutch, then releases to suplex Angle, but Benoit steals a near-fall. Angle slugs away on Jericho, but charges and hits boot, then recovers with a double underhook suplex for two. Benoit gets whipped into Jericho, but Jericho goes for a sunset flip, which Benoit blocks for two. Jericho tries another powerbomb, but Angle reverses to the crossface chickenwing, which he used briefly before discovering the anklelock. Benoit saves. He tosses Angle into the crowd and goes up with the diving headbutt to win the IC title at 7:55. Benoit then tries an immediate cover on Jericho again and gets two, as the European title match begins. Angle suplexes Benoit for two. I switch to Benoit’s commentary now. Angle goes up and gets crotched and Jericho follows, but Benoit crotches HIM and it’s a backdrop superplex, but both are out and Angle follows with a moonsault, which misses. Benoit is talking about the match more in kayfabe than the more-open Jericho. Hey, let’s try Angle. They all get a two-count as Angle admits that he knocked his own wind out of himself on the missed moonsault. Jericho tries the Walls on Angle, but Benoit saves, so Angle slugs away on him and slams him, then goes back to Jericho. Angle’s self-centered commentary is hilarious. Jericho comes back with a leg lariat, hitting Benoit, and then powerbombing Angle for one. Benoit saves with the rolling germans on Jericho for two. Dragon Suplex on Angle gets two. Angle complains that his shoulders weren’t even down. The ref is bumped and Benoit takes Jericho down with the crossface, but releases and gets caught in the Walls. Angle breaks the Walls down with a beltshot and pins Jericho, but only gets two. Benoit & Angle slug it out and Benoit gets a backdrop suplex, but misses the diving headbutt, allowing Jericho to Lionsault him for the pin and the Euro title at 13:46. This match was WAAAAAY ahead of its time, and it’s still a really cool technical exhibition, although Angle’s offense was much weaker in 2000 and the ex-WCW guys were shackled by the then-current WWF style. ***1/2

– Road Dogg & X-Pac v. Rikishi & Kane. D-X double-team Rikishi to start, but X-Pac goes after Kane outside and they brawl, and Rikishi gets a quick Stinkface on Road Dogg. Tori (not Torrie) tries to hide from Kane in the ring, but gets caught by Rikishi, and D-X save her from potential ass-eating action. D-X takes a walk, but Kane grabs X-Pac and they all head back to the ring. X-Pac kicks Rikishi down in the corner to set up a broncobuster and Road Dogg comes in to slug away, but Rikishi no-sells the punches. Kneedrop gets two. X-Pac comes in and pounds him with kicks, which Rikishi no-sells, and it’s a Bubba Cutter to set up the tag to Kane. Was that the hot tag? He destroys both D-X guys and backdrops X-Pac, then Paul Bearer brings Tori into the ring for a Stinkface from Rikishi. Tombstone kills X-Pac dead at 4:14. Basically a squash to give Kane revenge for being dumped by Tori. ¾* This all sets up Too Cool and the San Diego chicken coming in for dancing, but Kane doesn’t trust the Chicken. However, the real Pete Rose tries to attack from behind, and gets chokeslammed for his troubles. And then Stinkfaced. I think he earned his spot in the WWE Hall of Fame with this appearance.

– WWF title match: Stephanie McMahon v. Vince McMahon v. Shane McMahon v. Linda McMahon. Oh, wait, sorry, that’s just what the ads made it seem like.

– WWF title match: HHH v. The Rock v. Big Show v. Mick Foley. This was Mick’s second retirement match, although to his credit he managed to stay retired for another four years after this one. HHH starts with Foley and Show starts with Rock, and they all slug it out, and HHH loses his battle with Mick. Knee in the corner from Foley, but Show clotheslines both of them and knocks Rock down with a forearm. He hiptosses HHH and presses Rock, then hits HHH with more of the same. Notice HHH bumping all over for people. SELLING. Show chokes Rock out in the corner, but Foley jumps on his back, so Show falls back on him. Sideslam for Rock and chokeslam for HHH, but Foley breaks it up with a kick in the shin. So all three guys go after Show and knock him down with clotheslines, then team up to bootf*ck him. That alliance doesn’t last, as Mick turns on HHH and hits him with a Cactus clothesline, leaving Rock to slug away on Show in the ring. Show comes back with a big boot as Foley chairs HHH. Mick chairs Show and Rock gets the Rock Bottom to eliminate him at 4:48. So it’s a three-way now, as the Rock N Sock Connection decide to go after HHH while HHH tries to convince each one to turn on the other. It doesn’t work, and it’s beatdown time. They pinball HHH with punches and Foley tosses him, and the beating continues on the floor. Foley whips HHH into a Rock clothesline and Mick grabs the bell, but Rock hits Mick with it by accident. HHH whips Rock into the post to take over and drops him on the railing, but Foley finds his trusty barbed-wire 2×4, so HHH goes low to counter. He beats on Foley with it, but Rock saves. This whole segment is actually really bad. HHH tosses Rock but gets DDT’d by Mick, and it’s Mr. Socko time. Rock lays HHH out with the belt for good measure to set up the People’s Elbow, but Mick opts to go for the Mandible Sock on Rock. HHH breaks that up with a low blow and everyone is out. Vince leaves a chair for Rock, who hits HHH with a clothesline, but Mick clotheslines Rock in turn and gets two. Mick slugs away in the corner and DDTs Rock for two. Rock gets his own for two. Pace is too slow, with too much laying around in between spots. Mick calls for an alliance with HHH to get rid of Rock, and they work him over, as Mick gets a kneelift for two. Double suplex into a HHH kneedrop gets two. Rock gets dumped by Foley, but comes back to whip Mick into the stairs. Mick grabs the stairs and hits Rock with them, visibly winded. HHH & Rock set up on the Spanish announce table and Mick goes up, but misses by a foot and knocks himself out on the table. That was just sad to see. HHH tries to cover by dropping elbows on Rock until the table breaks, but it just looked silly. One poor idiot in the crowd tries to start a “Holy shit” chant. Yeah. In the ring, 2 does of KICK WHAM PEDIGREE finish Foley at 19:40. Mick was totally gassed and obviously done at that point anyway. So we’re down to HHH v. Rock, which is what they should have booked in the FIRST PLACE. As Mick said later, this was a really sad way for Mick to exit the WWF as a wrestler. He does, however, stop to lay HHH out with the barbed wire before leaving. Rock gets two off that. They slug it out, won by Rock, and HHH gets dumped with a clothesline. Brawl outside and Rock suplexes him on the floor. They head back to ringside, as Rock backdrops him into the ringside area, but HHH uses a chair to counter Rock’s stairs. HHH follows with a piledriver on the stairs and they head back in, where HHH gets two. Rock fights back and backdrops HHH over the top to block a Pedigree, and they fight into the crowd to waste some time. Rock comes back with a spinebuster on the floor, and both guys are out. They head over to the tables and HHH gets suplexed on the surviving one, but comes back to send Rock into the stairs. Vince attacks HHH, however, ramming him into the post and sending him into the ring, but that draws Shane out to attack his father in turn. The match is just dying at this point. Vince no-sells a shot with a monitor like he’s the Undertaker or something, and chases Shane back to the aisle, but falls victim to a chairshot. Meanwhile, there’s a wrestling match going on (in case you forgot) as Rock makes the comeback and DDTs HHH for two. Tilt-a-whirl slam gets two. HHH comes back with a facecrusher and hits Rock with a weak barbed wire shot, but Rock catapults HHH into Shane. Rock Bottom, but Vince makes a miraculous return as this gets more and more overbooked, but then turns on Rock with a chairshot, and HHH gets two. Another chairshot finishes for HHH at 36:25. Bad match, WAY wrong finish (especially for Wrestlemania), bad finish to begin with, major boredom throughout, and an end to the show that only succeeded in pissing off the crowd. **1/2

The Bottom Line:

This was a MAJOR LEAGUE misfire during a very hot period for the WWF, as this was a two-match show and the main event was a huge disappointment. It was also the first time a heel walked out of Wrestlemania with the title, but not the last, as they did the exact same thing the next year and nearly drove themselves into the ground as a result.

I can’t recommend it for the show, but the two good matches are good enough, and the bonus disc of the DVD set is excellent, covering about 3 hours of the “Wrestlemania All Day” special that preceded the PPV broadcast (minus the fluff with Ivory) with interviews and history of Wrestlemania, plus memorable matches from the first 15 of them.

The show is a recommendation to avoid, the DVD is mildly recommended.
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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Wrestlemania X-7

Live from Houston, TX

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Paul Heyman

So this is it, the peak of North American wrestling and the point from which you can draw a clear line downwards again, quality-wise. This is the start of the current “Stadium show Wrestlemania” format, as well as the four hour format. After the show myself and many others called it the greatest PPV of all-time, but does it hold up 8 years later? Note for those wondering: This show is coming up on 24/7 next week, but I’d rather watch the unedited DVD version.

For fun, we’ll start with the Heat match from the DVD extras…

Grandmaster Sexay & Steve Blackman v. X-Pac & Justin Credible

Brawl to start and Too Lethal clears the ring, but Albert clotheslines Sexay, allowing X-Pac to hit a spinkick and take over. Credible yanks him out of the corner with a powerbomb and X-Pac gets another spinkick, but Sexay gets a double-clothesline and makes the somewhat hot tag to Blackman. Blackman faceplants Credible, but goes after Albert, allowing X-Factor to hit him with a double superkick for the pin at 2:44. Well I’m pretty sure this won’t affect my evaluation of the show one way or the other. 1/2*

Intercontinental title: Chris Jericho v. Commissioner William Regal

The video package is much appreciated here as I totally forget this whole era. Jericho attacks and hits a leg lariat to put Regal on the floor, then follows with a pescado that overshoots by about a foot. Well, can’t fault him for enthusiasm. Back in, Jericho gets a back elbow off the top for two. Regal tries to take him down by the leg, but Jericho counters into the Walls, and Regal kicks out of it. He directs Jericho into the post, twice, and uses a nice wristlock takedown to work the arm. Regal works him over like a mechanic, but Jericho elbows out and tries the Lionsault, which hits knee. Regal rolls him up for two off that miss. Release german gets two. Regal removes the turnbuckle and sends the shoulder into the STEEL, then throws some nasty high kicks to pound on the shoulder. Jericho fights him off with an enzuigiri and they’re into the hard-hitting offense tonight, and follows with a missile dropkick for two. He charges and runs himself into the post again, allowing Regal to bring him out of the corner with a rare butterfly superplex, which gets two. Jericho escapes a backdrop suplex and goes for the Walls again, but Regal hits the bad shoulder and counters into the Regal Stretch. Jericho makes the ropes and fights back with HARD chops, but Regal kicks his face off. Jericho sends him into his own exposed turnbuckle, however, and bulldogs him to set up the Lionsault for the pin at 7:07. Well that was kind of out of nowhere, but it was clean and made sense at least. These guys were just beating the hell out of each other here and loving it. ***1/4

Meanwhile, Shane McMahon arrives in his WCW limo.

Right to Censor (Val Venis, Bull Buchanan & The Goodfather) v. The APA & Tazz

Steven Richards gets his ass kicked in the initial brawl, and Bull gets a springboard clothesline on Faarooq to start. Faarooq powerslams him for two and Tazz comes in with a suplex, but Bull boots him down. Val comes in with a legsweep for two. Goodfather drops the leg and follows with a backdrop suplex for two and the Ho Train (or whatever the heel version was called), but a pump splash misses. Hot tag Bradshaw (who reminds JR of Dick Murdoch & Stan Hansen, although these days it’s more like Ted Dibiase minus the talent) and the brawl erupts again. Bradshaw brings Val to the top for a backdrop superplex, but Bull breaks up the pin and powerbombs Bradshaw. Goodfather sets up for another Ho Train, but the Clothesline from Hell finishes at 4:15. Short and energetic enough to hide all the weak points. **

Meanwhile, Trish (in her phase as Vince’s mistress) wheels a catatonic Linda into the arena (but how do you tell the difference?) and gets bitched out by a decidedly smaller-boobed Stephanie. So weird to see her looking all normal.

WWF Hardcore title: Raven v. Big Show v. Kane

Raven attacks Kane before Show even enters, but gets nowhere. Kane tosses Raven at Show on the floor and then hits them both with a flying clothesline, and we head into the crowd already. The difference between Big Show here and Big Show today is amazing, by the way, as he’s clearly both in shape and sporting muscle definition here, although whether it’s muscles or “muscles” is left to the reader to decide. So backstage we go and Show slams Kane onto a pile of pallets and locks Raven into a supply closet of some sort, which Kane quickly breaks into. Raven wisely stands back while Kane takes out Show, and then attempts to choke him out with a rubber hose. Sadly, he doesn’t put it up Kane’s nose, but Kane does throw Raven through a WINDOW. Kane and Show fight over a chokeslam (Show, clearly not afraid of telegraphing his move, yells out “Chokeslam, right here on the floor!” which I’m hoping isn’t calling spots. Although he’d still be quieter than Ken Shamrock). Then things get silly as Raven charges in, driving a golf cart, but Kane steals in and runs him down. So over to the catering table for a couple of spots and we’re back to the stage again. Show tries to press Raven off the stage, but Kane boots them both through another stage and pins Show to win the title at 9:23. These matches just don’t hold up anymore, although there was enough crazy bumps to make it a fun match. **

Meanwhile, Edge & Christian debate semantics with a zoned-in Kurt Angle.

Meanwhile, the Rock arrives to a decidedly mixed reaction. Who arrives at Wrestlemania 40 minutes into the show?

European title: Test v. Eddie Guerrero

Well this is a lot sadder all of a sudden. Test fights off the Eddie attack and powerbombs him for two, and they brawl outside. Back in, Eddie slugs away in the corner, but Test presses him into the corner for two. Test with a back elbow and he goes up, but Eddie tries to bring him down with a rana and fails badly. Test comes down with a flying elbow for two. Speaking of failing badly, Test charges and is supposed to bump over the top rope, but trips and gets himself tied up in the ropes, leaving Eddie to stop and free him so they can continue. That’s a pretty embarrassing time and place to screw up like that. The look on Eddie’s face is pretty funny though, as he gives kind of a “what can you do?” shrug to the crowd. So back in, Eddie makes the best of it and starts working the injured right leg and then gets a sleeper. Test fights out with a tilt a whirl slam, and then another one that turns into a pretty wicked powerbomb for two. Blind charge hits elbow and Eddie goes low, allowing Perry Saturn to run in with the MOSS COVERED THREE HANDLED FAMILY GREDUNZA~! It’s kind of stretching credibility to say that the ref wouldn’t have seen that. Eddie misses the frog splash, however, and Test comes back with the Niagara driver for two. He boots both Eddie and Saturn down and gets two, but now Dean Malenko breaks it up. Test gets rid of him as well, but Eddie hits him with the belt and pins him to win it at 8:04. Kind of a mess, but not a total disaster or anything thanks to Eddie keeping his cool. **1/4

Meanwhile, Steve Austin arrives now, an hour into the show. Man, those guys are so gonna get fired when Vince finds out.

Kurt Angle v. Chris Benoit

This is my first Benoit match since the tribute show, so I figured I might as well make it a good one. Angle takes him down and they go into a swanky mat wrestling sequence, but it’s a stalemate. Angle takes him down again and neither can gain dominance. Angle with a double-leg takedown and they wrap each other up on the mat, but end up in the ropes for the break. Angle takes him down again, but this time Benoit hooks the crossface and Angle has to make the ropes. Angle shoots in again and Benoit hooks the crossface again, forcing Angle to bail and escape. Back in, Benoit shoots in and crossfaces him again, but Angle makes the ropes and then blindsides him with a forearm to take over. To the floor, and he sends Benoit into the stairs, and back in for a snap suplex that gets two. Angle pounds away in the corner, but Benoit fires back with the chops, so Angle fires off the belly to belly suplex. A great little Angle moment as he headfakes Benoit with a whip attempt and then turns it back into another belly to belly. Benoit clotheslines him down again, and they slug it out in the corner, with Benoit winning that exchange. Benoit elbows him down for two. Snap suplex gets two. Superplex gets two. Rolling germans, but Angle rolls into the anklelock, which Benoit reverses into his own. Angle gets flustered and charges in, which allows Benoit to take him down with the crossface, but he’s awesome enough to reverse to his own, forcing Benoit to make the ropes. Ref gets bumped and Benoit gets the crossface for the phantom tapout, but reviving the ref allows Angle to hit the Angle Slam for two. He goes up for the Anglesault, but hits the knees and allows Benoit to go up with the diving headbutt, for two. Angle goes low and they do another wrestling sequence, but Angle hooks the tights and gets the pin at 14:01. This was like a stand-up comic telling an epic 15 minute joke and then forgetting the punchline, as the finish felt like it was attached with a soldering iron. A great example of the “something for everyone” feel of this show, as they did a technical battle, into a brawl, a series of reversals and counters, and if it had a finish it would have been a classic. Still great, though, especially with the trading of finishers and obsession with submission wrestling that would come to define both their careers leading up to the epic 2003 rematch at Royal Rumble. ****1/4

Meanwhile, William Regal has problems with Kamala besmirching his office.

WWF Women’s title: Ivory v. Chyna

This is the payoff for the retarded angle with Chyna’s “neck injury” at Royal Rumble, although Chyna was basically so far above the star power level of everyone in the division that a broken neck was the only way anyone would buy Ivory as any kind of threat to win. This was also the downfall of Chyna, as her ego was, to say the least, wildly out of proportion to her worth at this point and resulted in her departure from the company. Ivory attacks her with the belt and pounds on the neck, but Chyna basically shrugs her off and backdrops her. Powerbomb gets two, as Chyna picks her up. Gorilla press finishes at 2:38 as Chyna completely squashed her and treated her like a joke. DUD To the shock of many, Trish Stratus would successfully revive the women’s division after Chyna buried it completely. I will say, however, that at least this was short and paid off the storyline in logical fashion, because no one was going to buy offense from Ivory anyway.

Street Fight: Shane McMahon v. Vince McMahon

To give you an idea of the awesome stakes here, Shane’s newly purchased WCW is banished to a skybox way up in the Astrodome, with a graphic saying “WCW wrestlers” to identify them and nothing else. It didn’t get much better for them. Mick Foley is the special ref here. At this point in the bizarre, bizarre era for the promotion, Vince was the heel and invading WCW owner Shane was the babyface, which lasted not very long until they realized how ass-backwards it was and changed it. Vince slugs away in the corner to start, but Shane spears him down and drops elbows, prompting Steph to come in and call off her brother. Shane is having none of that and baseball slides Vince out of the ring, then beats on him with a sign and chokes him out with a power cable. Shane finds the kendo stick and gives Vince a quality beatdown with that, then the dancing punches to put him down. He puts Vince on the dreaded Spanish Announce Table and goes up, but the elbow misses and Shane goes through it himself. And then we really ramp up the soap opera as Trish wheels Linda out and slaps Vince, then gets into a catfight with Stephanie as I’m just totally lost as to who I was supposed to be cheering for at the time. So the girls fight back to the dressing room and Mick tries to get Linda out of there, but Vince attacks with a chair and knocks him out. This leaves Vince free to drag Linda into the ring to witness his final destruction of Shane with a series of garbage cans previously unknown to mankind. NO HUMAN BEING CAN SURVIVE THREE GARBAGE CANS! However, Linda rises up as if from the dead and kicks Vince in the nuts, then Mick beats the hell out of Vince for the previous wrongs done unto him, and Shane wraps things up with a Shane Terminator (which, pre-RVD for the WWF, had no name) at 14:11. I…don’t really know what to think of this anymore. A lot of the initial appeal was in the moment of the big angle surrounding it, and taken out of that context 8 years later, it’s left as not much of a match. It was big and stupid and generally enjoyable, though, so I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. ***

WWF World tag team titles: The Dudley Boyz v. The Hardy Boyz v. Edge & Christian

I’ve gotta say, we’re only two hours into this and already we’ve had what would be show-stealing classics on any other PPV. Big brawl to start and the Dudleyz hit Christian with a flapjack, but the Hardyz double-team the Dudleyz. E&C use a ladder and take out everyone else, then hang Matt in the Tree of Woe and stomp on his nuts. The Dudleyz pound on Christian outside while Edge makes a go for the belts, but Matt hauls him down and climbs. Edge clotheslines him off the ladder and tries again, but now Jeff dropkicks him off and the Hardyz baseball slide the Dudleyz on the outside. Matt hits a yodeling legdrop off the ladder, but the Dudleyz get rid of him and it’s Whazzup off the ladders. D-Von gets the tables, and Bubba powerbombs Jeff onto Edge, through a table. Well there’s your first highlight spot. The Dudz set up four tables on the floor while Paul E runs through the family history of the Dudleyz for an unimpressed JR, but they stop and head in. Three ladders get set up in the ring and everyone climbs, and you just know this is going to end badly. And indeed everyone bumps off. This allows Spike Dudley to run in and hit E&C with Acid Drops, leaving Jeff Hardy to climb. But now Rhyno comes in on behalf of E&C and it’s GOAR GOAR GOAR for the Hardy Boyz and Dudley Boyz. And of course Lita joins the fun and pulls Edge off the ladder, before hitting Rhyno with a rana. The Dudleyz hit the Dudley Device on Rhyno and Lita’s so fired up she starts stripping, but the Dudleyz hit her with 3D to get rid of her. That allows Edge to destroy everyone with chairs as this is just unmitigated craziness, and speaking of which Jeff sets up a ginormous ladder and puts both Spike and Rhyno through a table on the floor with a swanton. The super-ladder gets set up in the ring and D-Von races Christian up to the belts, but Matt pulls the ladder out and they’re stuck hanging on the ring. Both hit the mat and Jeff climbs another series of ladders and tries to walk to the belts, but everything falls over and ruins the spot. He tries again and also hangs from the loop, which allows Edge to climb up and SPEAR HIM TO THE MAT. That is fucking epic, man. I’m shocked no one had thought of that kind of spot before this. So next it’s Matt and Bubba fighting up there, but Rhyno shoves them over and they go through the four tables outside. So D-Von is left alone against E&C, as Rhyno boosts Christian up and Edge holds onto D-Von, which allows Christian to claim the tag titles back at 15:45. Total insanity and some of the craziest, most creative ladder match bumps I’ve ever seen, which now looks like a template for Money in the Bank. It set the stage and still delivers! *****

Gimmick Battle Royale

Before the era of WWE 24/7 and their constant navel-gazing for nostalgia fans, this was their first crack at it. Commentary is provided by Mean Gene and Bobby Heenan. So the participants are the Bushwackers, Duke “The Dumpster” Droese (looking like he’s still ready for a job), The Iron Sheik, Earthquake, The Goon, Doink the Clown, Kamala (complete with Harvey Wippleman), Repo Man, Jim Cornette, Nikolai Volkoff, Michael Hayes (with “Badstreet USA”), One Man Gang (what, no Akeem?), Tugboat, Hillbilly Jim, Brother Love, Sgt. Slaughter and the Gobbledygooker. The actual match is immaterial, because the point was just the entrances and giving everyone one last Wrestlemania payoff. And sadly in Quake’s case, it was his last one. Everyone just kind of takes gentle bumps out of there in rapid fashion, leaving the awesome final four of Sarge, Love, Hillbily and Sheik, and Sheik throws them all out to win at 3:00 because he’s the only one who can’t take a bump out of the ring. Slaughter gives him the cobra clutch for old time’s sake afterwards.

HHH v. Undertaker

And don’t we all miss HHH’s stylish “jean jacket over leather jacket” look? This was supposed to involve Shawn Michaels to set up his return, but he showed up in the old “no condition to perform” and lost his spot. I’m actually quite curious to see if removing this match from my HHH and Undertaker hate at that time has improved it or even affected it. This is the first of many appearances of Motorhead, playing HHH down to the ring. HHH is unfortunately not able to time his dramatic water spit properly to the live version, but I’m sure he forgave Lemmy. Undertaker was using the shitty Limp Bizkit entrance at this point, which will not be on the 24/7 version I’m sure. They slug it out on the floor right away and destroy ANOTHER Spanish table. That’s gotta be a rib. Into the ring and HHH gets the high knee, but Undertaker pounds on him and backdrops him. Corner clothesline as HHH sells like crazy, and that sets up a powerslam and an elbow that misses. He gets the flying clothesline, however, and we go Old School, but HHH yanks him down to counter. Neckbreaker gets two. He pounds on the neck and gets another neckbreaker for two. Facecrusher and he grabs his trusty sledgehammer, but the ref won’t let him use it. Pedigree attempt is reversed into a catapult and the ref is already bumped, as Undertaker gets the chokeslam for two. UT is upset about the cadence of the count, so he beats up the ref and we proceed without him. HHH takes the quite the bump to the floor and then another one into the crowd, and they head deep into the Astrodome for the brawl. In a unique spot, they fight into the actual sound mixing area, where HHH finds a chair and beats the hell out of UT with it. This is a LOT more brutal-looking than the usual “hardcore” sequences you’d see in matches like this, which is a nice touch.

UT revives and chokeslams HHH off the scaffolding, however, and luckily the camera can’t see the crash pad. The replay kind of ruins the mystique. Taker follows with an elbow and beats up the well-meaning EMTs and they head back to the ring, as JR is concerned about the well-being of the poor ref who’s been unconscious for going on 5 minutes now. He knew the risks when he donned that striped shirt. So now Undertaker has the hammer, but HHH goes low, then runs into a big boot. They slug it out in dramatic fashion and HHH tries a tombstone, but UT counters to his own. And there’s still no ref. UT revives him (obviously never having taken first aid before) and sets up for the Last Ride, but HHH grabs the sledgehammer on the way up and knocks Taker out with it. That’s an awesome spot, but it only gets two. Taker starts bleeding and HHH makes the all-time bonehead move and pounds away in the corner, which allows Taker to bring him down with the Last Ride to finish at 18:54. Yeah, I completely short-changed this one originally, as I was way more into the drama and hatred this time around. Hard work from both here, back when HHH could still go and was still willing to job clean as a sheet when needed. ****

And how can you follow that? With this…

WWF World title: The Rock v. Steve Austin

Austin gets the superstar pop to end all of them. Austin attacks and they immediately try to hit each other with Stunners, but brawl out to the floor instead. Into the crowd and they trade shots into the table, but Austin puts him down with a clothesline and they head back in. Austin chokes away on the ropes and gets two, then gets a superplex for two. Austin, clearly playing a heel despite the cheers, pulls the turnbuckle off, but Rock slugs back and gets the clothesline and belly to belly for two. He clotheslines Austin to the floor, but gets a ringbell in the face as a result. Austin beats on Rock in the wreckage of the tables, then back in for more punishment as the crowd eats it all up. Rock fights back, but Austin gets a neckbreaker for two. He pounds away on the mat and then stomps a mudhole in the corner, but Rock blasts out of there with a clothesline for HUGE boos. They slug it out and Rock sends Austin into the exposed turnbuckle and retrieves the bell while Austin blades. He puts Austin down with that, for two. Rock pounds him down with huge shots and Austin won’t go down, so Rock drags him to the apron and pounds on him to bring him to the floor. They slug it out there and Austin drops Rock on the railing and gives Rock the greatest catapult into the post I’ve ever seen. I mean, Rock bounced off that sucker head-first and flew three feet. Austin follows with a monitor to the head, and back into the ring for two. Rock is up so Austin tries the Stunner, but stops to flip him off first, which allows Rock to take him down with the Sharpshooter. And now Rock’s fanbase gets more vocal as Austin finally makes the ropes. Another try at it, but Rock also makes the mistake of flipping off Austin, and now Austin gets his own Sharpshooter. Rock powers out of that, so Austin goes to work on the leg and does it again. And Rock makes the ropes this time, to big heel heat.

Then we really get old school as Austin hooks the Million Dollar Dream, but Rock uses the Bret Hart counter for two. Austin pounds on the tired Rock, but it’s ROCK WHAM STUNNER for two. And now Vince McMahon heads out as they slug it out, and Austin gets a spinebuster for two. Rock gets his own to set up the People’s Elbow, but Vince pulls him off at two. Rock chases, and walks into a Rock Bottom from Austin, for two. He tries the stunner, but the ref is bumped, so Austin goes low instead. So Austin calls Vince in there with a chair and they blast Rock with it, but it only gets two, so Rock revives and hits Rock Bottom, then goes to beat up Vince. However, it’s KICK WHAM STUNNER and that should have been your finish. It gets two and Vince gives Austin a chair, and he blasts Rock for two. Finally he just destroys Rock with the chair, pounding him into nothingness, and pins him to win the belt at 28:07. Still awesome, still the two biggest stars in the history of the WWF at the peak of their powers. ****3/4 Of course, this was also the moment that officially ended the Attitude Era, with Austin doing an ill-advised heel turn and the company transitioning into the god-awful WCW Invasion instead of, you know, continuing to try to make money.

So is it still the greatest PPV I’ve ever seen? YES. I love it even more, as I was just as tremendously entertained by this viewing as I was on the first one, and that’s a truly magical show to be able to do that. All the finishes were clean, everyone was working hard (except for Chyna) and the crowd was incredibly pumped for a stadium crowd.

Best. PPV. Ever.

Until I watch Bash 89 again, then I’ll probably change my mind.
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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Rant for WWF Wrestlemania X-8

– Live from the Center of the Universe.

– Your hosts are JR & King

– Saliva starts us out by wasting 5 minutes that could have been used for another match. Hey, I like Saliva, but I don’t pay to see bands doing live versions of the “official Wrestlemania theme song”. But then I don’t pay to see endless commercials either, and we seem to get those out the wazoo, too.

– Next up, a nice video package with people reminiscing about what Wrestlemania means to them.

– You know what they needed for this show? Darkness. It would have been boss if they had turned down the lights a bit like Wrestlemania VI to go for that old-school feeling instead of having every seat in the house lit like a Christmas tree for broadcast purposes. And those motorized carts to carry them to the ring. That shit never gets old.

– Opening match, Intercontinental title: William Regal v. Rob Van Dam. Poor Rob – the more over he gets, the farther down the card he ends up. Hogan and HHH generate shitty ratings but get big pops and thus get pushed, while Rob gets big pops but gets depushed. Rob attacks and spinkicks Regal. Standing moonsault and a charge hits elbow. Regal goes for the Power of the Punch early, but Rob wisely kicks it out of his hands and gets a sidekick. The frog splash misses, and Regal knees him down for two. Rob bodypresses him for two. Backslide gets two, but Regal comes back with a suplex for two. Rob comes back again with a head kick, but falls victim to the twisty neckbreaker for two. Regal hits the chinlock, but Rob escapes and gets a superkick, then misses Rolling Thunder. Regal with the butterfly powerbomb for two. RVD cradle gets two. Rob slugs away and gets the rolling monkey flip after an aborted attempt at it, but Regal gets a vicious half-nelson suplex out of nowhere that looks like it nearly killed Rob, but in a good way. Regal recovers his lost knuckles, but the ref takes them, and Rob finishes him off with the frog splash at 6:19 to win the title. Pretty much a RAW match. **1/2

– European title match: DDP v. Christian. I wish they’d just give it up with DDP already. Christian cuts an anti-Toronto promo because I guess it’s vitally important for him to get booed 18 matches down the card or something. Christian attacks to start, but DDP slugs him down and gets a gutbuster. They head out and brawl, and back in Christian goes low to take over. DDP gets sent to the railing, and Christian stomps him down. DDP slugs back and tries to post him, but the cruel hand of irony interjects itself and DDP hits the post instead. Christian gets to an abdominal stretch and gets the backbreaker for two. He goes up, but gets slammed off and clotheslined. Rotation powerbomb gets two for Page. Christian blocks a Diamond Cutter with an inverted DDT, for two. He resists the tantrum, but gets cradled for two and Diamond Cut at 6:10 to finish. Match had no heat and was a tad sloppy, but otherwise it was okay for a Heat main event, I guess. **1/4

– Meanwhile, Rock makes Coach say his prayers. “What up, G?” Too funny.

– Hardcore title match: Maven v. Goldust. Maven doesn’t really mean anything in Canada, just because Tough Enough was REALLY old news by the time we got it. Goldust attacks and dumps him on the railing, then guillotines him there. In the ring, Maven messes up his one move (the dropkick) and cradles for two. Goldust gets a neckbreaker for two. Gourdbuster and he finds a golden shovel under the ring, and does some damage. They KO each other and Spike Dudley runs in to pin Maven and win the title at 3:18. I hate that finish, especially on the “biggest show of the year”. It just makes it look like time filler. ½*

– And now, Drowning Pool. Visually and musically, there’s not much to distinguish them from Saliva. I guess the singer has shorter hair, but that’s about it.

– In the back, Crash & Spike do battle, but Hurricane sneaks in and wins the title. Okay, we got the joke when it was already beaten into the ground 2 years ago, let’s find something else to amuse the writers now.

– Moments ago, for those who just flipped over to some other PPV channel, Hurricane wins the title.

– Kurt Angle v. Kane. Angle is wearing tremendous black-variation tights, which remind me of Superman. You know that episode of SuperFriends that was completely derived from the Mirror Universe episode of Star Trek, where Superman gets blown up and switches places with his evil opposite except that none of the good SuperFriends really notice outside of being all “Whoa, Superman, that’s a totally black costume you’ve got there, dude” while Good Superman clashes with Sneering Batman (complete with Oilcan Harry moustache and implied butt-f*cking of Evil Robin) and gets chained underwater with Kryptonite chains (made special at the local Kryptonite wholesaler, I guess) before using his heat vision to somehow turn the water into acid (explain THAT one, chemistry buffs) and dissolve the chains before a completely contrived coincidence results in the Good SuperFriends figuring out that they have to blow up Evil Superman at precisely the same moment Good Superman gets blown up in the Mirror Universe to reverse the effect? Except of course the waters of SuperFriends Pseudo-Science got even muddier when Wonder Woman encountered the Anti-Matter Universe, which made me, as a budding science geek who spent much of his time watching Saturday morning cartoons and reading comics, wonder exactly how many planes of existance could actually be supported like this before the entire universe blew up due to the overwhelming logic gaps involved in keeping track of who was from what universe. But then you get into a whole thing with the mid-80s DC Universe where you had the Multiverse AND the anti-matter universe as two separate concepts, but was the anti-matter universe also a multiverse or was it just an anti-matter copy of Earth 1? Yeah, well, anyway, Angle’s black costume makes me think he’s the Mirror Angle (how’s THAT for a clever play on words?) except he lacks the evil goatee. So perhaps he’s the Anti-Matter Angle. Amazingly, Kurt Angle, despite being the most supremely gifted guy seen in years in the WWF who can get a **** match out of a tin-can if he’s motivated AND has legitimate sports credibility, is actually in a lower position on the card this year than he was last year. Why is this guy not WWF champion RIGHT NOW? You won’t see cooler tights than the Mirror Universe Angle anywhere else this year, PLUS everyone in the building chants “You suck!” in time with his music. Do I have to draw you a freakin’ diagram? Angle nails him with the ringbell and slugs away, but Kane follows suit. Angle suplexes him and stomps away. Kane slugs back and gets the two-handed choke. Blind charge hits nothing and Angle gets a belly to belly and a clothesline, and then a backdrop suplex for two. Angle hits the chinlock, but Kane escapes with a sideslam. Angle stays on him with the rolling germans (yikes) for two. Man, Kane is sure game tonight. Angle goes for his own version of the flying clothesline (the man expands his moveset EVERY MATCH) but tries it again and gets caught coming down. I’m thinking that the original clothesline was a mistake and he just repeated the spot, but it looked fine. They slug it out and Kane gets the big boot, and a powerslam for two. Chokeslam gets two. Angle gets the Angle Slam, for two. Anklelock, but Kane makes the ropes and then counters with the Kanezuigiri. Kane goes up and Angle does that awesome “pop up and biel him off the top” spot, and then they blow the finish as Kane can’t quite get in position during a reverse-rollup spot that finishes for Angle at 10:51. Well, Kane tried hard again, but forces were aligned against them and it wasn’t much better than their second match on TV. **1/2 Had they gone with the storyline for their ***1/2 classic from Smackdown, with Angle working the leg to build to a submission win, it might have meant something.

– Meanwhile, Hurricane peeps on the escorts, but Godfather chases him off. Hilarity ensues.

– Undertaker v. Ric Flair. Flair attacks to start and they brawl out right away. Flair pounds away on him, and UT bails as soon as they head back in. Flair chases like a moron and gets posted. JR brings up the old “Flair had a broken back in 1976” argument to help sell the move, but I’m thinking that if it hasn’t healed after, oh, 26 years, he’s got bigger problems than just getting rammed into the post. Back in, Flair fights back but gets clobbered. Flair Flip and Taker boots him off the apron. Taker pounds on him and draws blood. Well, you knew that was coming. That goes on for a while. In the ring, more punching. Flair is just gushing, hovering in the 0.5-0.6 Muta range. Flair comes back with chops but Taker won’t give him anything and clotheslines him. They head up top and UT pulls out a superplex for two. Whoa, a wrestling move. Who’d have thunk? Back out again, Taker legdrops him on the apron. It gets two. Elbow misses, and Flair fights back again. Taker goes for the ROPEWALK OF DOOM but Flair pulls him off, only to get sideslammed for two. Taker crotches himself and bails, but Flair grabs the dreaded DILDO OF DEATH before it can fall into the wrong hands, and gives UT some weak shots with it. They fight into the aisle and back in, as Flair opens a cut on Taker and goes low. Figure-four, but UT won’t sell and he chokeslams out of it for two. He then bumps the ref and grabs the pipe, but Arn runs in for a well-timed spinebuster! That only gets two. Taker beats on him, but gets chaired by Flair, which he also shrugs off. He can’t do the Poochiebomb properly, so he opts for the Tombstone instead to finish things off at 18:45. Honestly, I can appreciate it for what it was (two old guys punching each other for 20 minutes), and for what it was within the boundaries of their DOZENS of limitations, it was very very good. But I have to say that I was pretty bored watching it and watching Flair piss away his legacy match by match like this. *** And not that Flair should have gone over here, but the buildup for the match featured Taker beating up his best friend and his son, then getting Flair arrested, then getting Flair thrown off the board of directors, and ended with Taker beating both Flair & Arn to win the match. I just don’t see the point of booking such a one-sided feud.

– Booker T v. Edge. Edge is of course crazy over. Sign of the night: “They’re Fighting Over Shampoo!” They slug it out to start, and Edge dropkicks him and gets a bulldog for two. Booker hotshots him for two. He dumps him, and back in a missile dropkick gets two. Sweet. Booker has the best missile dropkick in the business, especially for someone his size, and he never uses it anymore. Whiplash slam gets two. Edge crotches him and they botch a top-rope rana spot. It’s always scary to see moves like that go wrong. Edge gets a leg lariat and the Edge-o-Matic for two. Have they even called it that recently? For those about to e-mail me, that’s a rhetorical question – I don’t actually care about the answer. Flying leg lariat gets two. Booker’s sunset flip is reversed to a catapult, but Edge’s spear misses and Booker superkicks him. SPINAROONI time. Axe kick gets two. Bookend is blocked, spear gets two. Edge tries his own spinarooni and it sucksarooni. And he was making fun of ANGLE for being too white? Reversal sequence ends with the Impaler (or whatever nickname it has this week) for the pin at 6:31. Another RAW match. **

– Meanwhile, Hurricane hides in the back, but Molly turns on him and wins the title. I’d say that goes against all rules of sidekick behavior. You don’t see Jericho doing that to Stephanie, do you?

– Scott Hall v. Steve Austin. Holy midcarder, Batman, Austin’s been shunted down the card. Big Poochie limps out with Hall. Austin stomps away to start and gets the Thesz Press and FU Elbow. Hall takes a powder, so Austin chases and they brawl. Back in, Hall clothesline gets two. Austin wins a slugfest as Nash pulls a turnbuckle pad off, and of course Austin gets whipped into it. Brawl outside and back in, Hall gets his corner clotheslines and blockbuster. Moveset thus exhausted, Hall reverts to stomping as the crowd starts the “Razor” chants. Personally, I don’t get why they didn’t just go with the Razor Ramon character, which is at least marketable and can be retooled into a bad-boy drug dealer image for the new century, which they couldn’t do back before the “rip everything off from ECW” era. Austin gets a spinebuster, but Hall keeps slugging away. KICK WHAM STUNNER but Nash punks out the ref as we launch the overbooking torpedoes. The Outsiders double-team Austin, so he gives them both stunners, no ref. Another ref gets punked out by Nash. More refs come out to send Nash packing. Another stunner is reversed into the Scott Hall Stunner, which gets two, before the real deal from Austin ends the misery at 9:51. I’ve certainly seen worse matches from Scott Hall in WCW, but Austin would have been better off wrestling himself. * Now that Hall’s one useful PPV matchup has been blown, look for him to start jobbing right away.

– Axxxxxccccessss video. I’m never sure how many extra letters they toss in there to be trendy, so I figure I’ll just play it safe.

– WWF tag title match: Billy & Chuck v. The Dudley Boyz v. The APA v. The Hardy Boyz. Saliva does a live version of the Dudleyz theme, which I still enjoy. Bradshaw starts with Chuck, but gets double-teamed. He slams Billy and pounds Chuck. Faarooq comes in and gets worked by the champions. Billy gets two. Faarooq powerslams him and Bradshaw cleans house like a French maid, but Billy tags out to D-Von. APA cleans up on him, too. Clothesline from Heck on Billy, but Bradshaw walks into 3D at 3:25. What was the point of even having them in there? Hardyz double-team D-Von with the usual and Jeff gets two. Same for Chuck, while the Dudleyz go get wood. Hardyz & Dudleyz brawl outside, until Jeff and Bubba head back in for Jeff’s corkscrew. He stops to spank Stacy, apparently impervious to the sight of her ass. Gee, how about that? Billy & Bubba (sounds like the Hardyz’ long-lost cousins) double-team Jeff and Bubba chokes him out with his own shirt. Jeff’s total lack of skin pigmentation and muscle definition would probably indicate why he leaves his shirt on all the time. Seriously, Jeff, for your own health – do like Mick Foley and gain some weight to absorb the impact of those bumps. Bubba pounds Jeff for two, and hits the chinlock. D-Von discombobulates him with an elbow for two. Suplex gets two. Bubba does the old Tommy Dreamer nut stomp, but Matt breaks it up. Jeff reverses a DDT as JR & King do their “We’re so bored that we’ll talk about ANYTHING to avoid calling this mess” act. Hot tag Matt, and it’s threatening to be BONZO GONZO, but he gets suplexed. Bubba misses the senton as JR gets REALLY desperate and starts making self-referential jokes about how Bubba would probably kill the guy if he ever hit that move. He used to make the same joke about Arn Anderson all the time, too, when he was bored. Matt gets the yodelling legdrop for two. Dudleyz set up the Whazzup, but D-Von gets shoved through the table, and the Twist of Fate/Swanton finishes Bubba at 11:48. Chuck superkicks Matt for two. Billy dumps Jeff, but Matt comes back with Poetry in Motion on both guys. Swanton for Chuck, but the Dumbasser gets two. Billy uses the belt on Jeff to finish at 13:50. What an abomination. They DESPERATELY need to do something with the tag division, because this was just terrible and featured the most boring Hardyz-Dudleyz showdown in a long time. ½* The acts are so stale now that they’re actively hurting everyone involved. I still contend that the solution is a double-turn for the Z teams. In this case, it would have been easy: APA and Hardyz go quickly, leaving the Dudleyz to get pounded by the champions for the bulk of the match until the fans cheer for them by default, and then when Bubba gets the hot tag they can do all their babyface spots (Whazzup, D-Von Get the Tables) and turn themselves. Hell, it’s not like anyone is gonna mind cheering for Stacy. Then when they go for the 3D, the jealous Hardy Boyz run out and cost them the match, and most importantly prevent them from putting Chuck or Billy through a table, and bingo, double-turn and both teams are instantly fresh and interesting again. It ain’t rocket science, Jethro.

– Meanwhile, the Outsiders plot against the Rock, but Hogan calls them off.

– Meanwhile, Molly runs into a door and Christian wins the title.

“Oooh! Ahhh! That’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running and screaming.”

– Ian Malcolm, The Lost World, describing the next match.

– The Rock v. Hulk Hogan. I get the feeling that this is one of those matches that’s gonna earn me hate mail no matter which side of the fence I go with. I also would’ve thought that this would go on last, since it was being promoted as the main event and all. Hogan gets a MONSTER pop, as I once again worry about the future of mankind. Rock gets a big heel pop. Hogan wins a lockup and the crowd ROARS. JR interprets this as a “mixed reaction”. I’d hate to hear what they’d sound like if they were booing Rock, then. Hogan pounds away and gets a clothesline, but Rock back with the forearm and gets roasted by the crowd. This is just vicious. Shoving match and Rock slugs Hogan down and out. Back in, Rock with the lariat, but Rock Bottom is blocked. Hogan gets the elbowdrops. That limp is getting really pronounced on Hogan’s part. Backdrop suplex gets two. Abdominal stretch rollup gets two. Man, that was his rear special in WCW v. nWo World Tour, but that’s the first time I’ve seen him use it in real life in like the past 20 years. Hogan goes to the BACKRAKES OF DOOM (which Rock sells like he’s being clawed by the fingernails of a Sinanju Master) and of course the crowd eats it all up. Rock chops him, but Hogan chokes him out for a while. Rock gets tossed and Hogan beats on him outside. Table is prepped but goes unused. Back in, ref bumped, and Rock gets a spinebuster and Sharpshooter, no ref, but a big heel reaction. Jesus, Toronto, just because the Leafs suck, don’t take it out on someone who CAN win the big one. The crowd just completely turns on Rock, so Hogan goes low and gets a huge face pop and then uses his own Rock Bottom for two. Hogan uses the belt, but Rock DDTs him and fires right back. JR is still insisting that the reaction is mixed. Stuff like that makes him sound like Tony Schiavone. Hulk Up time. It’s so sad to see Hogan out there at 75 years old acting like his act means anything but nostalgia. Big boot and STINKY WART-INFESTED GIANT-KILLING LEGDROP OF DOOM, but Rock kicks out at two. Big boot again, but the legdrop misses. Rock gives him two Rock Bottoms for good measure, and finishes with the People’s Elbow at 16:22. That was one of the best-booked bad matches I’ve seen – I’ve gotta admit, even I was cheering pretty vociferously for Rock (more than usual) by the end and getting into it. The match itself, as a match, was spectacularly horrible, but the booking was good and both guys were jazzed to be out there, so call it **. And before all the Hulkamorons start writing in and whining about how it was a **** match because they were so entertained by it, try going back and watching Hogan-Warrior from 1990, which was a similarly-structured match and not only featured a better storyline, but also had some psychology in it and more credible offense. They did everything they could here to polish the proverbial turd, but Hogan’s backrakes and choking are just not going to provide me with entertainment after months of Angle & Austin suplexing the shit out of each other.

– Afterwards, Hogan and Rock make nice-nice, as presumably Hogan is all “Sorry about the attempted murder, brother” and Rock is all “It’s cool, I didn’t sell the injury anyway” and they shake hands. Rock encourages Hogan to pose (what, no “Real American”?) but the treacherous Outsiders come out and turn on Hogan, allowing Rock to make the save. Well, there’s Backlash. One month may SEEM like a really quick nWo split, but they need to milk every red cent out of Hogan’s aging act before it dies by King of the Ring, so look for 17 turns between now and then.

– Women’s title match: Jazz v. Lita v. Trish. This match is dead on arrival having to follow that Rock-Hogan match. I’m talking deader than David Caruso’s career. Trish is all Maple-Leafed up, but even that doesn’t work. Trish & Lita stomp Jazz to start. Jazz gets the half-crab on Trish, and the flying hammerlock on Lita. Legdrop gets two. Butterfly suplex, but Lita hammers away with the worst punches in wrestling. I don’t get the point of the chicks pulling punches – the phrase “hit like a girl” didn’t exactly come about by accident, you know. Headscissors and backdrop suplex get two for Lita. Jazz hotshots her and they head up, but Trish pulls Jazz down and cradles for two. Lita bodypresses Trish, but she rolls through for two. Bulldog gets two. Jazz splashes Lita for two. Jazz Stinger gets two on Trish. Trish DDTs Jazz for two. Trish & Lita slug it out, but Lita gets a Twist of Fate, then misses the moonsault. Trish cradles for two. Everyone’s out, but Trish backslides Jazz for two. Lita dumps Jazz, but crotches Trish. Lita goes up, but also gets crotched. Jazz finishes her with a Jazz Stinger off the top at 6:15. With the dead crowd, horrible-looking offense, and disorganized structure that made the tag title match look coherant. Almost. ½*

– Meanwhile, Christian makes it to the cab, but Maven sneak attacks him and regains the title. I have nothing to add to this whole saga that you probably couldn’t guess yourself.

– WWF title match: Chris Jericho v. HHH. Drowning Pool does their horrible version of HHH’s theme to play him out. Amazingly, Stephanie DOESN’T get her own entrance. Jericho gets a pretty nice face pop, despite being dressed like Doink the Clown tonight. Lockup sequence to start and HHH gets a backdrop. Pair of clotheslines and Jericho chops away, but eats knee. That hurts the leg, however, because HHH’s quad is hanging on by a wire and he’s the gutsiest son of a bitch JR has ever seen. Whatever you say, Tony. Jericho dumps him. HHH comes back and drops him onto the railing, and suplexes him on the floor. The table is prepped, but Jericho wisely decides to kick his leg out from under his leg, and works on it back in the ring. HHH spears him and works on Jericho’s leg right back. Figure-four, but Steph breaks it up. HHH grabs her, and Jericho charges and accidentally knocks her off the apron. HHH goes for the elusive Pedigree on her, but Jericho stops it with a missile dropkick. Back to the leg, and Stephanie lends a hand. RINGPOST FIGURE-FOUR~! HHH fights back, but Jericho gets an indian deathlock and a spinning toehold. To quote Sideshow Mel, “He’s kicking it OLD SCHOOL!” HHH posts him to escape and gets a neckbreaker. Jericho stays on the leg. HHH lariat gets two. Facebuster hurts the leg again, but he still dodges Jericho. Spinebuster gets two. Jericho tosses him and preps the table. Walls is blocked, but HHH’s Pedigree is reversed to a backdrop that sends him through the Spanish table. Back in, Lionsault gets two. No one even buys that as a near-fall anymore. Walls of Jericho, blocked again. Pedigree is reversed to the Walls, and inevitably HHH makes the ropes after a suitably dramatic interval. God, this just feels like two guys going through the motions before an apathetic crowd. Jericho grabs a chair, but gets DDT’d on it. Stephanie intervenes again, and this time HHH gets the Pedigree, but the crowd is so burnt out that it doesn’t mean anything. Jericho gets a chairshot for two (why not hit the knee?) but HHH quickly finishes with the Pedigree to win the title at 18:41. Pretty anti-climactic finish. This was about as exciting as one guy kicking the other in the leg for 18 minutes was gonna be. Plus the psychology didn’t figure into the finish. And JR was an annoying shit, screaming every 5 seconds about how Jericho was about to end HHH’s career until it was blatantly obvious that he was going to job. ***1/4 Again, I’ve gotta stress that HHH still hasn’t had a really good match since his surgery, and he’s running out of excuses after three months of ringtime to “get his timing back” or whatever other BS they wanna pump out to cover for him not being able to keep up anymore. I like HHH, but this babyface run is just screaming “disaster” and if I wanted to watch him sell knee injuries while doing nothing but facebusters and high-knees for 15 minutes, I’d build a time machine and go back to 1998.

The Bottom Line: This show is getting some pretty glowing praise from a lot of the usual sites, and while I can see where some of it is coming from, I just can’t justify to myself giving it anything better than “thumbs in the middle”. There was no standout match from a workrate perspective, and a few of them were downright horrible. This was really a show that could have stood to lose an hour, easily. Sometimes less really is more.

That’s not to say I didn’t like the show, because I did. It was enjoyable enough to watch, but then so is Smackdown most weeks and the match quality was about the same for the non-uppercard stuff. For my $45 Can. (yes, that’s what they charged up here), and especially for a Wrestlemania, I’m expecting something a little more special than Kane and Kurt Angle doing a silly rollup finish in a meaningless match, ya know?

Thumbs in the middle.
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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Rant for Wrestlemania XIX

– Live from Seattle, WA.

– Your hosts are JR, King, Cole & Tazz.

– RAW tag title match: Sean Morley & Lance Storm v. The Unlikely Duo of Kane & Rob Van Dam. Kane dumps Storm to start and RVD hits Morley with a spinkick, and the champs bail. Kane sends RVD onto the champs, and we take a break. Back again, as Morley whips RVD into the corner for two. We hit the chinlock. The open-air nature of the stadium makes a pretty neat visual, that’s for sure. Morley gets the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, which Rob reverses. Morley counters with a Blue Thunder Bomb and goes up with an elbow so telegraphed that it should have been sent Western Union, which allows Kane to get the hot tag. Sideslam on Storm gets two. Kane goes up with the flying lariat, and that gets two. Kane clotheslines both of them in the corner and Rob monkey-flips Morley, leaving Kane to chokeslam Storm. Frog splash appears in the cards, but Morley sends him down with one of those sick bumps. The Dudleyz sneak in and hit Storm with 3D , but then Bubba changes his mind and drops an elbow on RVD to give Storm the pin at 5:57. The guy gets to job to an elbowdrop? What is this, the Survivor Series? *1/2

– Opening PPV match, Cruiserweight title: Matt Hardy v. Rey Mysterio. Rey hits Matt with a pescado to start, and gets a headscissors out of the corner. Rey has his Daredevil thing going tonight. Shannon interjects himself with a cheapshot to give Matt the advantage, and he gets two back in the ring. Side Effect gets two. Shannon adds some choking, but Matt misses a charge. He comes back with a Twist of Fate, which Rey reverses to a rollup for two. Another Side Effect gets two. Matt goes to a surfboard, but Rey fights out and they slug it out. Matt misses a charge and Rey springboards in with a butt splash, and a crossbody gets two. Flying headscissors and tornado DDT get two. Rey does a weak trip to set up the 619, but Shannon trips him up and the Twist of Fate gets two. They head up and Matt tries a Splash Mountain from the top, but Rey reverses to a rana for two. Rey goes for Moore and dropkicks Matt into the 619, but Matt ducks the West Coast Pop and rolls him up for the pin at 5:36. Weak finish, and giving them 5 minutes on a 4-hour PPV? Pretty disappointing match. *

– A-Train & Big Show v. Undertaker. Apparently they’re STILL hedging their bets with Nathan Jones, as they chicken out and shoot an injury angle on Heat to take him out of the match. Why even bother? I mean, seriously, this is becoming a running gag almost. A-Train establishes his heeldom by ADJUSTING UNDERTAKER’S MIRROR before the match. That BASTARD. Taker chokeslams him for two to start. Show & Train bail and regroup before Show gives it a try and slugs it out with Taker. Train tries next and overpowers UT, but gets hiptossed. Old School Ropewalk of DOOM, but A-Train hits him with the Mehshugganator and Show sends him into the post. Back in, Train guillotines him for two. Taker starts fighting back on Show, but walks into a chokeslam, which he reverses to a Herb Kunze armbar in a counter-wrestling sequence so laughable that it must have been booked by Jerry Seinfeld. He then fights off Train with a cross-armlock. Funny thing is that Tito Ortiz is sitting at ringside and probably laughing his head off. Then, to really showcase the submission wrestling, Show goes to the abdominal stretch. A-Train adds his own version as I wonder why this is getting more time than the opener. Then, the fickle hand of irony interjects herself as UT reverses the move. Taker walks into a lariat that gets two. Train uses the WWE Main Event Theory of Volume to add some power to his punches, but Taker fights back with a DDT for two. He makes his own comeback and hits both heels with corner clotheslines, and gets the flying clothesline on Show. Train gets a high kick to put him down again as the match keeps going and going. Show chokeslams him, but Nathan Jones earns his payoff by running down and spinkicking Show on the floor, as Taker hits Train with the tombstone for the pin at 9:44. Bad match, but not so insanely bad that it would have become perversely enjoyable, as it would have been with Jones in there to really bring it down. ¾*

– Women’s title: Victoria v. Trish v. Jazz. Jazz dumps Victoria and dropkicks Trish for two to start. She bridges on a neck submission, but Trish takes her down and pounds away. Victoria pulls Trish out and heads in and tosses Jazz, and they all brawl outside. Back in, Victoria gets a legdrop for two. Jazz pulls her out and legdrops Trish for two. Jazz & Victoria decide to double-team Trish with a sort of double-backbreaker, but Jazz turns on Victoria, only to get powerslammed for two. Victoria works her over in the corner, but Trish gets a rolling reverse for two. Trish’s cameltoe is getting pretty evident. Jazz attacks her from behind to set up a Michinoku Driver for two. The heels slug it out in the corner, but it’s the old Double Noggin Knocker as Trish makes the comeback. Well, they’re up to 70s Memphis standards, at least. Trish rolls up Jazz for two. Victory Roll for two. Kawada Kick gets two. Victoria cuts in and goes after Trish, heading up but getting caught with a handstand rana. Trish chops her out of the ring, but Jazz catches her with a half-crab. She turns it into the STF, but Stevie dumps Jazz. Trish rolls up Victoria (with a handful of tights woo woo!) for two. Jazz gets the flying hammerlock, but releases it early and gets superkicked by Victoria. Victoria’s moonsault misses and Stevie hits himself inadvertently with a chair, but Victoria comes back with a try at the Widow’s Peak. Trish escapes and kicks her down for the pin and the title at 7:17. No worse than any other women’s match these days. **

– Meanwhile, Rock abuses the Coach and says nothing.

– Smackdown tag titles: Team Angle v. Rhyno & Benoit v. Los Guerreros. Big brawl to start until Chavo starts with Haas and gets a backdrop and a backdrop suplex. He dropkicks Haas down, who tags in Benoit. The Guerreros work him over in their corner and Eddie slugs away, but Benoit unloads the chops. Rhyno comes in and powerslams Eddie for two. Benjamin gives it a go and slugs him down, and a reverse elbow gets two. They work Rhyno over in the corner and get a double dropkick for two. Rhyno chops Haas and Benoit comes in with more of his own. Snap suplex gets two. Backdrop suplex gets two. Rhyno gets caught in Angle corner, however, and gets worked over until spearing Benjamin in the corner for two. Eddie tags himself in and dropkicks Rhyno out of a test of strength, then hits Benoit with a backdrop suplex when he comes in. He goes up, but Benoit follows him up with a superplex, for two. Benoit faceplants Eddie into a crossface in a sweet combo, but Haas saves. Eddie comes back with a brainbuster for two. Haas saves again. Chavo comes in and cleans house on Team Angle and Rhyno, but Benoit hits him with the rolling germans. Chavo manages a blind tag to Benjamin, however, and he superkicks Benoit for two. Eddie comes in and collides with Benoit for the double KO. Benjamin legdrops the fallen Benoit for two, but Eddie saves by frog splashing the both of them. Chavo tags himself in, but walks into an overhead suplex. Rhyno comes in and gores Haas and Chavo, but Eddie yanks him out and Shelton steals the pin on Chavo at 8:47. Really short and disappointing, without any heat or buildup to the finish. **1/4

– Shawn Michaels v. Chris Jericho. They’ve finally fixed the lighting so that the ring is highlighted and the stadium is darkened. Shawn works a headlock to start and gets nowhere. They do a bit of that and Shawn showboats, and they go back to the headlock again. They do a stalemate sequence and back to the headlock, and Shawn gets two off it. Jericho overpowers him and they criss-cross and slug it out. Shawn tosses him and follows with a baseball slide after a highspot tease, and back in we go. Back in, Jericho rolls through a bodypress for two. He hammers away on the mat and starts with the CANADIAN VIOLENCE and choking in the corner. Shawn counters a bulldog by sending him into the corner, and gets a figure-four for no discernible reason (has he even kicked him in the leg yet?), which Jericho reverses. Jericho stays on the leg with a kneecrusher, but Jericho reverses him into the post and tosses him. Shawn pulls himself back in and headscissors Jericho out, and then follows with a pescado. Jericho puts him in the Walls on the floor, however. Back in, Jericho dropkicks him off the apron and gets a backdrop suplex. The psychology is pretty cut and dried here. Delayed suplex gets two. Jericho works on the neck and gets a pretty nasty backbreaker, and the Arrogant Cover~! gets two. We hit the chinlock and Jericho goes to the eyes to keep Shawn down. A backdrop is reversed to a DDT by Shawn, however. Shawn slugs away, but walks into a forearm from Jericho. He kips up and mocks Shawn, but so does Shawn. Another one and Shawn atomic drops Jericho to set up a backdrop. To the top, and the moonsault press gets two. They do a pinfall reversal sequence and Jericho tries the Walls, but Shawn reverses out of it. They fight for a german suplex, but Jericho turns it into a northern lights suplex for two. Shawn bridges out and they fight for a backslide, but Jericho gets a lariat. Bulldog and Lionsault get two. Jericho starts chopping, but puts his head down and gets caught by Shawn. A rana is blocked with the Walls, however. Shawn makes the ropes. Another try is reversed to a cradle for two. Double-arm backbreaker from Jericho and he goes up with a flying reverse elbow and cues up the band. Fozzy? Well, anyway, a superkick (and a nice one, too) gets two for Jericho. Shawn comes out of the corner with a messed up crossbody and hammers away, then catapults Jericho into the post for two after teasing his own Walls of Jericho. Jericho hits him in the back again as Shawn suddenly remembers to sell it again, and they head up for a superplex that Shawn counters to put both guys down. Shawn gets two. Shawn goes back up, but Jericho crotches him and follows him up. Shawn sends him back down and gets the flying elbow for two. Sweet Chin Music is ducked by Jericho and we get another Walls, and that should have been the finish. However, Shawn eventually makes the ropes, prompting a tantrum from Jericho. Shawn superkicks him again for two. Jericho sends Shawn into the corner, but Shawn escapes a suplex and gets the pin off a rollup at 22:34. The finish was a letdown and it’s totally counterproductive to put Shawn over ANYONE at this point, but Shawn adjusted his style and put forth a much more solid, non-garbagy effort than he did with HHH. The spotty ‘Now I’m hurt, now I’m not’ selling of the back injury hurt it a lot, though. **** Jericho, class act all the way, kicks Shawn in the balls after the loss.

– Limp Dick performs their shitty new song and wastes 6 minutes of my life, and then the chicks come out and do a silly catfighting bit that ends with Coach getting his pants pulled off in a visual I did not need to see in this lifetime. Thank god for fast forward.

– RAW World title: HHH v. Booker T. They fight over a lockup to start and Booker slugs him down and chops away in the corner. He runs into an elbow, but armdrags HHH off the top to send HHH out of the ring. They brawl and HHH hits the post as a result. Back in, HHH overpowers him, but Booker gets a clothesline for two. High kicks follow, but HHH dumps him. Booker hits the post and the steps, and HHH starts stomping. HHH knees him down and gets two. MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER gets two. Corner clothesline gets two. He starts choking and they slug it out, until Booker gets a DDT. They slug it out and Booker gets a spinkick and sideslam, but doesn’t cover. Forearm gets two. MAIN EVENT SLEEPER and high knee get two. HHH walks into a spinebuster for two. This match is pretty heatless. Booker walks into an elbow, but dropkicks HHH coming off the top and gets two. Axe kick misses and Booker crotches himself on the top, allowing Flair to get his licks in and send him into the stairs. Back in, HHH goes to an Indian deathlock, which is just so not the right move to be doing to wake up the crowd. Booker makes the ropes, and HHH stays on the leg in the corner. Pedigree is reversed by Booker, and a rollup gets two. HHH kicks out the leg again, but runs into an elbow. Axe kick gets two, but Booker’s leg won’t let him cover in time for a proper pin. Booker goes up and gets caught by HHH, but fights him off and gets the Harlem Hangover for two. That should have been the finish. Both guys are out, and HHH, manly man, recovers first and Pedigrees him for the pin at 18:47. Remember: You can block the move, but once it hits, it doesn’t matter if you lay on the mat for a minute before HHH gets around to pinning you, it’s OVER. That was just insanely long and slow, especially for that weak-ass finish. And people thought I was just being cynical when I said that HHH putting Booker over on RAW was a bad sign. I guess ‘Booker’s type of people’ just aren’t meant for the main event after all. **1/2

– Nursing Home Street Fight: Vince McMahon v. Hulk Hogan. Yes, it’s the match we all know is the REAL main event. Hulk slugs away to start and they do a silly little parody of ground-and-pound before Vince comes out of the corner with a clothesline and kicks him down. He starts working on the arm with a hammerlock and wraps the arm around the pole a few times. They go into a test of strength, as Vince shows his guns off, apparently playing the role of Ultimate Warrior as we warp back to 1990. I mean, seriously, it’s two senior citizens holding hands during a fight, what the f*ck? They head out and Hogan hits the post, allowing Vince to grab a chair and miss. Hogan sends him into the post, drawing blood, and adds a chairshot. Back in, Hogan uses the power of his punches to send McMahon FLYING out of the ring, and he works him over with a chair. Still a sportsman, I see. Even Hugo Savinovich takes one for the team. I think he’s actually the youngest and best worker in the match. Vince goes low to stop the tide of Hulkamania and chairs Hulk down. Okay, we’ve established the chair’s effectiveness as a weapon, let’s move on. Vince gets a ladder. I take it back, go back to the chairs. They continue brawling and Vince sets up the ladder between the tables and comes off with a legdrop onto Hogan, through the Spanish table. To be more accurate, it’s a buttdrop onto the table with Hogan in the general vicinity. Back in, Vince gets two. He heads out and finds the lead pipe that always seems to be hidden under the ring, and then peaks over the ring with a deranged look that draws howls of laughter from the group watching the show with me. Hogan goes low, however. I’m just disappointed that we haven’t seen a backrake yet. However, my disappointment for stupidity is quickly made up by Roddy Piper doing a waddle-in, looking about 300 pounds, and turning on Hogan for no particular reason. Isn’t this the guy who was on TNA busting on the WWE for killing Owen Hart a few weeks ago and basically promising never to so much as speak to Vince ever again? I guess money talks and hypocrites walk when offered enough of it. Vince gets two, thus rendering the run-in pointless. The ref won’t let Vince use the pipe, so Vince punks him out and the Evil French Ref takes his place. Vince pipes Hogan down and drops a leg for two. It’s Hulk-up time, however. He apparently just now realizes that he’s bleeding. He fights off the Evil French Ref and tosses him, and it’s big boot and three legdrops (my god, are you trying to KILL the man?!?) for the pin at 20:45. Way way way way way way too long and so ridiculously overbooked that Vince Russo was probably taking notes, but for comedic value and entertaining the marks it wasn’t as terribly offensive as it might have been. **1/2 Besides, if Vince had gone over we would have had to endure the return of the Hulk Machine with Michael Cole baffled as to his identity. Vince’s middle finger while laying bloodied and beaten almost makes the whole match. Oh, and Shane shows up and does nothing.

– The Rock v. Steve Austin. I believe Rock’s tattoo is getting bigger. They slug it out to start, won by Austin, and Rock evades the stunner by bailing. Brawl outside and Rock gets dropped on the railing a few times. Into the stairs for good measure. Back in, Austin chokes away and gets a backdrop suplex for two. He comes out of the corner with a lariat and chokes him out on the ropes, but Rock clips the knee to take over. He heads outside, but Rock follows him and hits that shit again. He keeps stomping the knee and they head back in for more of the same. Austin fights back, but puts his head down and gets smacked down. Back to the knee and Rock goes for the Scorpion King Deathlock, but Austin makes the ropes. Rock keeps wrapping the knee around the post, and then decides to try on the Stone Cold vest. Looks good on him, too. Austin fights back with a clothesline and it’s a double KO. Thesz Press! Thesz Press! Thesz Press! Austin puts a little extra FU on the FU Elbow and it gets two. Rock recovers with the kip up, but walks into Austin Bottom. That gets two. Stunner is blocked with a middle finger from Rock, and KICK ROCK STUNNER gets two. Rock slugs away, but the spit punch is countered with KICK WHAM STUNNER, and it gets two. Rock goes low, but misses the People’s Elbow. Another stunner try is blocked with the spinebuster, and this time the People’s Elbow hits. It gets two. Rock Bottom gets two. Another one gets two. A third one gets the pin at 17:53. Rock carried this thing on his back, although as a match it was finisher-rest-finisher-rest-finisher for the last 10 minutes or so with absolutely no transition between the moves. Nowhere near WM X-7 on the Rock-Austin scale, but it was still a great effort by Rock. ***1/2

– Smackdown World title: Kurt Angle v. Brock Lesnar. Apparently Kurt has found a doctor willing to cut his rehab time from a year to 6 weeks. If you’re gonna play dice with your life, might as well go all the way and fly to the Philippines for a faith healing instead. Brock works the arm, and Angle takes him down with a fireman’s carry. They work off a headlock and Brock takes him down and they reverse until going to the mat again with a headlock. Good stuff. Brock overpowers him, but Angle shoots for the leg and they reverse off that for a bit until Brock takes him down. Back to the armdrag for Brock. Chain-wrestling at a WM main event, who’d have thunk? Angle pounds on him to escape, but gets elbowed and Brock works him over in the corner. Brock charges and meets elbow, but recovers with a powerslam for two. German suplex from Angle, but Brock no-sells and clotheslines him. Angle takes a powder and catches Brock coming in. You’d think people would stop falling for that after 100 years of it. Brock presses him, but runs into a boot, and Angle suplexes him into the turnbuckles in a sick spot. Back in, Angle gets a backdrop suplex for two. Snap suplex gets two. Angle goes to the chinlock and that goes on for a while, but Brock eventually powers out and rams Kurt’s back into the turnbuckles to break free. Angle gets an overhead suplex, however, to keep the advantage, and a knee to the back sends Brock flying. Back in, Brock gets a nasty spinebuster and they slug it out until Angle goes to the eyes. Brock makes the comeback with a clothesline and a kick to the face, and he pounds away in the corner. Blind charge hits elbow, but Brock gets his overhead suplex from one side, and then back to the other side. That’s really scary to see considering Angle’s neck. It gets two. Angle comes back with the rolling germans (and they wonder why the necks are falling to pieces) and the Angle Slam, but Brock escapes and reverses to the F5, which Kurt in turn reverses to the anklelock. Brock makes the ropes, but Angle pulls him back in and forces Brock to fight him off instead. Angle turns it into a half-crab to counter that strategy, but Brock makes the ropes again. Angle keeps laying in the knees, but charges one time too many and gets dumped as a result. Back in, Angle misses a charge and Brock hammers on him, but Angle gives him an absolutely sick german suplex for two. 300 pound guys should not be able to take those bumps. Angle Slam gets two. Another one is countered to a cradle for two. F5 gets two. Angle feigns injury, and grabs the anklelock while crawling to his feet. He turns it into a heel hook to really sink it in, but Brock drags Angle and makes the ropes. Kurt tries it again, but Brock shoves him off. F5 is countered to a cradle by Angle for two. Angle Slam is countered to another F5, but Brock opts to go up instead. Brock tries his legendary Shooting Star Press, but doesn’t get enough rotation and lands on his HEAD, knocking himself silly. That was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen, and not in a good way. I’m assuming that was supposed to be the finish, but Brock’s miscue ruined it. Angle improvises and gets two as the ref freaks out, but Brock gets another F5 to win the title at 21:07. Probably Brock’s best match to date, as Angle pulled out all the sick bumps in he thought may have been his last match. ****1/4 The botched finish was a bit of a black eye on things, however, and it just goes to show why you don’t bust out dangerous new moves in the biggest match of your career. I just hope Brock didn’t break his neck, because he was dazed and confused long after the end of the match.

The Bottom Line:

I can’t say as I thought it was the amazing, blowaway show that others seem to, and there was no real show-stealing MOTYC here, but Michaels-Jericho and Brock-Angle are both worth going out of your way to see. Rock-Austin was good but nothing more than building up a heel for Goldberg next month, and HHH-Booker was irritating for more reasons than I have time to list here. Maybe in the next book.

Moderate thumbs up, but it could have been so much better with better booking and pacing.

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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Rant for Wrestlemania XX

– Live from Madison Cube Garden.

– Your hosts are JR, Tazz, Cole & King.

– Opening match, US title: Big Show v. John Cena. Odd choice for an opener, but I guess someone had to go on first. Cena’s opening rap is a lot more nervous than usual for him. Show overpowers him to start, but Cena fires back, only to get tossed. Back in, Cena necksnaps him coming in and tries a high cross, but Show catches him with a powerslam for two. Show pounds him down and chokes away, and gets a suplex for two. Show headbutts him, which Cole compares to being hit with at typewriter, then a chop that’s like being hit with a frying pan. Is he using ‘Metaphors For The Insane’ or something? Big boot and Show gets the Hog Log for two. Cena comes back with a sleeper out of a slam attempt, but Show brings him into the corner to break. Into a cobra clutch, but Cena fights out, so Show slams him down again and goes back to it. This match is already way too long. Cena slugs out to make the comeback, and blocks a blind charge with a boot, then goes to the knees. F-U gets two. He’s in shock, looking to his gods like Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania VII, but he channels the spirit of Eddie, distracting the ref with the chain and then finishing Show with the brass knuckles and another F-U for the pin and the US title at 9:13. Bad match, but the crowd was into it, so whatever. *

– RAW tag titles: Booker T & RVD v. La Resistance v. The Vanilla Jobber Connection v. The Dudley Boyz. This is one fall, which they didn’t bother to explain until just before this match, because generally ‘Fatal Four Way’ implies elimination rules. RVD starts with Dupree and gets a monkey-flip out of the corner, and Booker comes in with a superkick off a catapult. That gets two. Booker gets a clothesline and tosses Conway, so Dupree tags in Bubba Dudley. Bubba clubbas on Booker, and gets a neckbreaker for two. Booker charges and hits elbow in the corner, but comes back with a sidekick to block the Flip Flop and Fly. D-Von sneaks in with the Curtain Call, but RVD hits him with a missile dropkick, all behind the ref’s back, and that leaves Jindrak with a two-count on Booker. The VJC work Booker over in the corner and Cade slugs away, but Dupree tags himself in and gets two. Conway goes to the surfboard, which Booker fights out of, but he goes back to it. Booker escapes with a spinebuster and brings in RVD, and he’s a backdropping fool. Kicks for everyone! It’s a 2-for-1 sale! Spinkick knocks Conway out and RVD goes up, but D-Von shoves him into the railing and slugs it out with Booker. It’s all kinds of BONZO GONZO and Booker is left alone with the Dudleyz, but Cade stupidly breaks up 3D, allowing Conway to DDT D-Von. Booker hits him with the axe kick and the frog splash finishes for the champions at 7:49. This went nowhere and would have been better served on RAW. Never mind that the tag title scene there is so dead that Jindrak & Cade get a Wrestlemania payoff because there’s no one else to put in there. *1/4

– Christian v. Chris Jericho. They fight over a lockup and Jericho slugs him down and pounds away, then gets a back elbow and a backdrop suplex. Jericho chokes away in the corner, but charges and gets tossed, so he hangs onto the apron and backdrops Christian out in a good bump. Jericho follows with a tope and sends Christian into the railing. Back in, Christian goes for the sunset flip, but Jericho counters into the Walls, forcing Christian to make the ropes. Christian responds with a backdrop suplex to the floor. Back in, he stomps Jericho down and does some choking. Knee to the gut gets two. Christian goes to a neck vice, which Jericho fights out of, but Christian takes him down for two. More choking follows. Christian hits the chinlock, but Jericho takes him down for the Walls again, so Christian goes to the eyes and gets a leg lariat for two. They collide coming out of the corner and slug it out, but Jericho forearms him down and makes the comeback. Enzuigiri gets two. That’s a sweet version of the move, with a running start. Rollup gets two, reversed for two. Northern Lights suplex gets two for Jericho. Christian bridges out into a backslide attempt, but Jericho counters with the bulldog, then misses the Lionsault. Christian goes for the Unprettier, but Jericho elbows out, so Christian gives him an inverted DDT off the middle rope for two. He slugs away, but walks into the Flashback. Christian recovers first, however, and gets the backbreaker, but goes up and gets caught by Jericho. Christian counters the superplex attempt and sends him to the mat, and a high cross is reversed by Jericho for two. Jericho starts throwing chops, but Christian takes him down with a Texas Cloverleaf. Now there’s a good submission move that we need more of. Jericho counters into the Walls after teasing a cradle, but Christian makes the ropes again. They head outside as Jericho holds the move on the floor. Up to the top and they blow a superplex attempt, and then annoy me by repeating the spot, at least getting it right this time. That gets two for Jericho. Both are out, and now Trish joins us to lend moral support. They slug it out and Christian kills him with an Implant, for two. Trish distracts Christian and gets pulled into the ring, but Jericho heads over to save her, and she “accidentally” knocks him into a Christian rollup for the pin at 14:51. The blown spot didn’t hurt too much, and it really got going good once Christian’s boring heat segment ended. ***1/2 Trish then turns on Jericho in a nonsensical move, but it should at least give Christian some heat and freshen up the Trish character. And hey, Evil Trish is hot.

– Rock & Mick Foley v. Batista, Randy Orton & Ric Flair. Great, coked-up promo from Rock before the match to really get the crowd going. Big brawl to start and the Rock & Sock clean house, as Evolution bail and regroup. Flair starts proper with Rock, and it’s no contest who the face is in the crowd’s mind. Hint: He’s not tattooed. Rock grabs a headlock and does some strutting, and Flair responds with chopping, so Rock slugs away and backdrops him out of the corner. Flair bails and Rock follows, so Flair goes to the eyes and walks into another backdrop on the floor, which Foley uses as a setup for the Cactus elbow off the apron. Back in, Flair lets Orton have a go, and now Foley wants in. Orton wants no part of that, so Foley follows and sends him into the table. Back in, Foley drops an elbow for two. He hangs Orton in the Tree of Woe and drops an elbow, and then Rock (my boy!) hits Orton in the nuts behind the ref’s back. That’s why I love him. Rock puts his head down and Orton kicks him in the tattoo, but Rock just gets more annoyed and goes after Flair, before getting pulled out of the ring by Batista and dropped on the railing. Back in, Evolution gets some shots in and Batista hammers him with knees in the corner as Rock is YOUR movie star in peril. Batista gets a back elbow for two. Flair comes in and cuts off a tag (‘I don’t think so motherf*cker!’) then lays in the chops, possibly leaving bits of tattoo in the front row. One can only hope. Flair stops to strut, however, and gets hit with a lariat for his troubles. Flair tries to regroup by going up, but, you know. Batista cuts off another tag attempt, however, and pounds Rock with shoulders, but Rock gets another lariat out of the corner and brings in Foley. He hammers on Batista and gets a kneelift, but Batista blocks the double arm DDT. They slug it out in the corner, won by Foley, but he walks into a lariat and gets tossed, apparently making him YOUR best-selling-author-in-peril. It’s a mugging outside as Evolution goes nuts on him, and he gets whipped into the stairs. Orton gets two back in. Back to the heel corner, and Flair comes in with some chops, but gets suckered into a slugfest and loses. He prevents a tag, however, and Orton comes in with a camel clutch to keep Foley down. Foley elbows out, but Orton takes him down and brings Batista back in. Short-arm clotheslines and Batista goes ground and pound, but Foley counters with the Mandible Claw. The lack of footwear prevents it from finishing, however, and Orton is able to save. Flair comes in and lays in the chops, and Batista comes in, but puts his head down and gets hit with a neckbreaker. They clothesline each other and Flair gets a tag first and cuts off another tag from Foley, but Mick knocks him down and makes the hot tag to Rock. Flying forearm for Flair, DDT for Orton, and he’s a house afire! Orton gets dumped, but Batista hits Rock with a spinebuster and Flair has a bright idea – a Nature Boy Elbow. The crowd goes crazy for that, but Rock kips up and slugs him down, along with everyone else. Spinebuster and People’s Elbow for Flair, and that gets two. Flair thumbs the eye again and brings in Orton, but it’s Rock Bottom for him. That gets two. Rock stops to deal with Flair outside, but Batista lays out Rock with a clothesline and a demon bomb. Orton gets two off that. Another tag to Foley, and Orton is f*cked. Foley cleans house on Evolution and gets the DDT on Orton, but makes the mistake of going for the Socko, and walks into the RKO as a result, giving Orton the pin at 17:02. Good finish, great match, with all sorts of cool extended tag team formula stuff and crazy exchanges between Rock and Flair. Everyone was feeling it here. ****1/4

– Hall of Fame ceremony, which I skip over for time reasons because nothing happens anyway. And why is that only dead people can be called by their real names? And shouldn’t someone tell George W that Osama Bin Laden is a hillbilly from the Ozarks pretending to be Jesse Ventura?

– Sable & Torrie Wilson v. Stacy & Jackie. Torrie & Sable want to get all nekkid for the match, but Jackie, serial stripper, is the prude tonight for some reason. They rip off her dress and everyone is in their underwear. Sable throws some kicks in the corner on Jackie to start and Torrie comes in with a high cross for two. Stacy comes in and gets whipped around by Torrie, but comes back with the Nash Choke in the corner. They do the goofy sunset flip reversal thing for some near-falls. Stacy gets a high kick for two. Jackie comes in and gets speared, and they do the ‘steamroll the ref’ spot off that, and Torrie reverses a rollup for the pin at 2:31. At least it was short. DUD

– Cruiserweight open: We start with Shannon Moore v. Ultimo Dragon (who nearly pulled a Shockmaster on the way into the ring) and they do a wristlock reversal sequence, as Moore grabs a headlock and overpowers him for two. Dragon reverses for two. Backslide gets two. Moore gets a backdrop suplex for two. He goes up and whiffs on the corkscrew, and Dragon kicks him into the DDT for the pin at 1:17. Noble is in next, clotheslining Dragon for one. Dragon gets the kick combo for two. Backbreaker and Dragon goes up, but misses the moonsault, and Noble gets a neckbreaker and the guillotine choke for the submission at 2:15. Funaki in next with a high cross and Noble reverses for the pin at 2:23. Nunzio is in next and takes Noble down with a single-leg, but Noble goes for a backslide and they fight over that until Nunzio rolls him up for two. Noble charges and hits elbow and Nunzio gets two. They reverse and Nunzio hits the floor, and Noble follows with a somersault tope, resulting in Nunzio getting counted out at 4:15. Kidman next, and he backdrops Noble to the apron, allowing Nunzio to pull him out, and Kidman hits them both a Shooting Star Press that goes awry, nearly killing Kidman. Back in, Kidman gets two on Noble. Noble comes back with the choke off a powerbomb attempt, but Kidman backdrops out and gets an enzuigiri to set up the SSP. Noble pops up and tries a superplex, but Kidman reverses to the BK Bomb off the top for the pin at 6:06. Rey is up next, with an AWESOME Flash costume, and he springs in with the buttdrop, but Kidman dropkicks him for two. Rey dropkicks him right back, to the floor, but Akio distracts him and Kidman gets another BK Bomb for two. They head up and Kidman goes for a superplex, but Rey blocks and gets the sunset bomb off the top for the pin at 7:26. Tajiri is up next, and he kicks away into the Tarantula, but Rey counters the handspring elbow with a double knee, into the 619. West Coast Pop misses and Tajiri goes for the mist, but hits Akio by mistake and Rey gets the pin at 8:36. Akio is apparently eliminated by virtue of getting sprayed, so we’re left with Chavo, who gets two on Rey. Rey takes him into the corner with a drop toehold and gets a rana, but he goes after Chavo Sr and then hits him with a somersault plancha, but Chavo pins him at 10:27 after blocking a sunset flip. Some good spots, but overall the match was a joke with 9 one-minute matches all strung together. However, had Chavo Sr. been on color, it would have been ****. As it is, call it *1/2.

– Brock Lesnar v. Goldberg. Austin is of course the special referee. The crowd reactions here are immediately fascinating, as the MSG crowd is apparently aware of the imminent departures of both men and has no interest in liking this match, no matter what. Then they focus on Lesnar, chanting ‘You sold out’ at him so loud that JR has to acknowledge his departure. Then they move onto ‘The Goodbye Song’ as both guys seem unsure of how to handle things. Finally, they make contact at 2:46 after endless stalling, and the crowd viciously turns on the match right from the first lockup. And you thought Philly was mean. They do an extended fight over the lockup, which the crowd has no patience for. Another lockup and the carnage from the crowd continues. At this point, I’d have had Austin just stun both guys and move onto the next match. Next chant: ‘This match sucks’. Who knew they played bingo at MSG? They fight over a shoulderblock and both go down, and the crowd sympathizes with no one. Next up, the old standard ‘boring’ chant. Goldberg finally gets things going with a press slam on Lesnar, but the spear misses and he hits the post. Brock pounds away and gets a suplex for two. Brock goes to a neck vice, which was exactly what the match didn’t need. That goes on for far too long before Goldberg escapes with a hiptoss, but they collide and both are out, and the crowd turns on them again. Brock gets two. Crowd lets us know that this match sucks again. Brock works him over in the corner, but Goldberg comes back with clotheslines and the neckbreaker, as now the crowd is chanting for Hogan. God, they’ve gone nuts. I knew it would happen someday, but I just didn’t think it would be MSG going over the deep end before the rest of the city. Spear gets two. Brock comes back with the F5 for two. Brock goes for his own spear, but misses, and Goldberg finishes with the spear and jackhammer at 13:41, giving the match a sarcastic round of applause for being over before going silent again. Austin thankfully redeems things somewhat by laying out both guys with stunners. As a match, nothing interesting, but as a bizarre sociological experiment, this was tremendous. ½*

– Smackdown tag titles: Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty v. APA v. The Basham Brothers v. The World’s Greatest Tag Team. Benjamin slugs it out with Bradshaw to start, and feels the clubbing forearms, and Bradshaw drops an elbow for two. Doug tags himself in and gets an atomic drop, bringing Danny in for a backdrop suplex that gets two. Haas hits him with a knee from outside, however, and they drop Danny’s back on Haas’s knee, which gets two. Danny brings Scotty in, and he grabs a headlock on Haas and gets a backdrop suplex, but gets tossed by Haas. He skins the cat, but gets caught with the Broken Arrow and Haas gets two. Charlie goes to a bearhug, but Scott reverses to a rollup, which Doug breaks up with a clothesline. The Bashams work Scotty over in the corner and get a double-suplex for two. Scotty comes back with an enzuigiri but the Bashams cut off the tag again, so Scotty escapes a suplex and brings in Rikishi. Everyone gets clotheslined and Danny gets DDTd for two. Benjamin tries a german suplex and gets sent to the floor as a result, and Haas eats some ass in the corner. Bradshaw boots Rikishi down and hits Doug with a blockbuster to the floor, then Danny takes the Clothesline from Heck. He goes for another one on Rikishi, but walks into a samoan drop, and Rikishi sits on Danny for the pin at 6:00. God, who even cares? ½*

– Women’s title: Victoria v. Molly Holly. If Molly loses, she’s bald. They fight over a lockup to start and Molly pounds her down with knees, and follows into the corner with a butt-butt. She takes Victoria down with a wristlock, but she escapes with a cartwheel and gets a rollup for two. Molly bails. Victoria chases and walks into a clothesline, and they head back in, where Molly gets two. Snap suplex gets two. Molly drops some elbows and gets a seated dropkick for two. Into the CRAVAT, but Victoria fights out and dodges an elbowdrop. Rollup gets two for Victoria. She makes the comeback and slugs away, and a powerslam gets two. Molly takes her down again and goes up, but Victoria breaks it up, so Molly brings her down with a powerbomb for two. Molly gets cocky and goes for another powerbomb, but Victoria reverses to a backslide to retain at 4:53. As promised, Molly is shaved bald. That look doesn’t really work on her, but you can probably guess that. *1/2

– Smackdown World title: Eddie Guerrero v. Kurt Angle. If Eddie’s new Scarface shirt doesn’t jump to the top of the sales charts, there’s something seriously wrong with the world. Lockup fight to start and Angle grabs a facelock, but Eddie takes him down and rides him. Angle wins that battle, going back to the headlock, and Eddie breaks as we start over again. Angle tries to shoot in, but Eddie fights him off, so Angle goes to the headlock and they work off that, and the crowd is suddenly 50/50 for Angle. Eddie tries the headlock now and Angle reverses and overpowers him. Eddie goes back to the headlock and overpowers Angle a few times, and now Angle bails. Crowd is right with this, showing that the reeducation might be taking. Back in, Angle goes to a facelock, but Eddie takes him down out of that, and it’s more mat wrestling as Angle switches back to the facelock again. Good stuff. Kurt takes him down out of that and gets two. Kurt tries a suplex off that, but Eddie counters and starts throwing armdrags, into an armbar. Angle powers up as they fight over a wristlock, so Angle uses a knee to the gut to break free and goes to an abdominal stretch to immediately work on the ribs. Nice bit of psychology there. Eddie reverses to a suplex, but Angle reverses to his own german suplex, as neither guy is able to get the rolling version. Eddie heads to the apron and Angle teases a german suplex off the apron, but Eddie hangs on tight. Angle falls off , so Eddie dropkicks him off the apron and follows with a dive that misses, and he splats on the railing. Back in, Angle gets two. Angle with a backbreaker for two. He works the ribs in the corner and goes to a bodyscissors on the mat. Crowd is still right with them. Eddie escapes with a jawbreaker, but walks into a hotshot, as Angle drops him on the ribs and gets two. Overhead suplex, times two, gets two. Angle goes to a bearhug on the mat, continuing to work on the ribs, but Eddie pokes him in the eyes to break. He walks into another overhead suplex, however, and Angle gets two. Kurt puts him on top, but Eddie fights off the Pop Up Superplex twice, then misses the frog splash. That can’t be good for the ribs. Angle recovers first and kicks the crap out of him in the corner, then pounds him down, and Eddie is all BRING IT ON. He fires back and gets a back elbow and clothesline, then dodges a blind charge and gets a backdrop suplex for two. Vertical suplex is countered by Angle with the rolling germans, but Eddie reverses to a rollup for two. Angle kills him with a clothesline to end that rally. Angle Slam, but Eddie reverses to an armdrag and makes the comeback with a headscissors. Rolling verticals , but Angle casually takes him down into the anklelock. Eddie powers out and dropkicks Angle, but goes up too slow and gets hit with the Pop Up Superplex, for two. Angle pulls down the straps and goes back to the anklelock, but Eddie counters that with a rollup for two. Back to the german suplex to set up another Angle Slam, but Eddie reverses that one to a DDT and goes up with the frog splash, for two. Eddie’s reversals are crazy. Eddie goes for the kill, but Angle was faking, and it’s another anklelock. Eddie looks like he’s going to tap, but he again manages to reverse, sending Angle to the floor. This time he loosens his boot, apparently to relieve the pressure ala Randy Savage in 1987, but when Angle comes back in and tries another anklelock, the boot slips off and a small package finishes for Eddie at 21:32. You know what was great about this match (besides everything)? It wasn’t just the usual cliche ‘main event style’ with each guy hitting each other’s finisher and getting two-counts and stuff, it was about telling a story and building a flow, then paying off the intelligence of Guerrero to outsmart the overly aggressive Angle. ****1/2 Absolutely tremendous.

– Undertaker v. Kane. After months of buildup, the big return of the ‘dead man’ is in fact Undertaker: Texas Ranger, as it’s the same old Undertaker with a new cowboy hat. And Paul Bearer. Apparently Sergio Leone returned from the dead along with Undertaker and he’s designing the costumes now. Undertaker couldn’t even be bothered to grow his hair back in. Taker slugs away to start, as it’s back to the same old stuff right away. Kane bails and they brawl outside, won by Undertaker. Guillotine legdrop on the apron and Kane gets whipped into the corner for a clothesline, but UT goes for a powerbomb and gets backdropped. Big boot and Kane slugs away on the mat, but Undertaker reverses for his own punches. Kane comes back with a sideslam and goes up with the flying clothesline for two. They slug it out and Kane misses a charge, allowing Taker to get a big boot and legdrop. The ROPEWALK OF DOOM is blocked by Kane with a choke, and they fight over that in a thrilling segment until Kane gets a chokeslam. However, he makes the mistake of stalling, nearly grabbing the microphone to explain his whole evil plan like some sort of B-level Bond villain, but UT does the zombie situp (when the highspot is a guy sitting up, you’re watching a bad match) and no-sells some stuff. Flying clothesline and a sloppy chokeslam set up the tombstone at 7:45. Oh boy, another crappy Kane v. Undertaker match setting up another Undertaker push. ¼*

– RAW World title: HHH v. Shawn Michaels v. Chris Benoit. Despite weeks of crappy booking, Benoit is clearly the crowd favorite here, as MSG’s traditional hatred of Shawn has kicked in again full force. And what’s with the white boots on HHH? Did Steph buy them for Christmas and withhold sex unless he wore them or something? On the upside, the gay bicycle shorts are gone and HHH is back to regular tights again. Shawn goes after HHH to start, but Benoit pulls him away and they fight over who gets to fight. Benoit takes him down immediately and starts chopping Shawn, to the delight of the crowd, but Benoit whips Shawn into HHH and slugs away. Shawn takes him down with a headlock, and they do the pinfall reversal sequence off that, and Benoit crosses Shawn up with another crossface attempt, which Shawn reverses for two. Northern lights suplex gets two for Benoit, and Shawn clotheslines him down, but HHH returns and lays Shawn out. He tosses Shawn, who skins the cat back in while Benoit pounds HHH, but Benoit gets dumped. Shawn backdrops HHH and throws some chops, but walks into a high knee, which gets two. Benoit fires away with shoulderblocks from the apron, but hits knee and gets sent into the apron by HHH afterwards. Shawn hits both of them with a baseball slide and follows with a moonsault. Guys with torn ACLs probably shouldn’t be doing that. Back in, Shawn gets two. He throws chops on HHH , but puts his head down and eats knee. Pedigree is broken up by Benoit, who goes right for Shawn again with knees, and sends him into the post. Snap suplex and he fires the chops, but HHH sends him into the corner and puts him on top, hanging him in the Tree of Woe to keep him occupied for a bit. HHH whips Shawn into Benoit, and gets two on Shawn. Now why hasn’t anyone thought of that before in a triple-threat match? Another try is reversed, and Shawn rolls up HHH for two. They slug it out and Shawn gets the forearm and kips up, but Benoit promptly clotheslines him over the top to get rid of him. Rolling germans on HHH follow, and he does the SNOT BLOW~! and goes up, only to get crotched by Shawn. Shawn tries to superkick HHH, but it backfires and he gets DDT’d, leaving Benoit hanging on the top. HHH & Benoit slug it out on top, leading to a superplex on Benoit for two. HHH pounds him on the mat, but Benoit fights back, winning a slugfest, but puts his head down and HHH goes for the Pedigree, but Benoit reverses to the crossface, which HHH is able to fight off until Shawn can save. Shawn hits Benoit with an attempt at rolling germans, drawing big boos, so Benoit reverses to his own, which the crowd enjoys more. Back up for Benoit, and the flying headbutt gets two. Shawn knocks him out of the ring with a forearm and comes back on HHH with clotheslines and a slam to set up the flying elbow, and the superkick gets two, as Benoit saves. They all brawl outside and Shawn brings Benoit back in and starts chopping. Benoit reverses him into the corner and takes him down with a catapult into the corner that triggers a gory bladejob, so fast that I couldn’t even see him do it. Benoit takes him down for another crossface, but HHH prevents him from tapping. Benoit and HHH fight outside and head over to the tables, where Benoit gets whipped into the stairs and HHH preps the announce tables. Benoit comes back on HHH, but Shawn recovers and joins them, and Benoit takes a double-suplex through the Smackdown table as a result. With Benoit apparently out of the equation, Shawn calls HHH into the ring while dripping blood everywhere. He’s about 1.0 Muta at this point. He slugs away on HHH and whips him over the top, into a cameraman, and HHH eats post and starts bleeding too, because apparently that’s what all the cool kids are doing at Wrestlemanias these days. Back in, Shawn slugs away, but HHH hits him with the Pedigree as the crowd starts going nuts for Benoit to recover and make the save. HHH gets two, and as desired by MSG, Benoit makes the save. Benoit starts chopping HHH, but HHH goes for the Pedigree, so Benoit reverses to the Sharpshooter. The pop for that would be massive if it was the finish. Sadly, it’s not, as Shawn saves with a superkick. He gets two on Benoit. He goes for the kill, and the crowd chants for Benoit as he sets up for the superkick (ouch, that’s gotta hurt), but Benoit dumps him. He looks like he’s gonna walk into a Pedigree, but he reverses to the Crossface in mid-move. HHH fights it and almost makes the ropes, but Benoit pulls him back. HHH tries one last desperation reversal, but Benoit holds on, and Edmonton goes insane as HHH taps to the crossface to make Chris Benoit the World champion at 24:46. Best three-way match I’ve ever seen, and although that’s not usually saying much, this was truly special, with HHH doing the right thing and everything hitting perfectly on all cylinders. If you can find a fault with this match, you’re nuts. ***** Just to add to the surreal nature of the evening, Eddie Guerrero joins him in the ring for the celebration, and I guess they’re actually trying to elevate someone new for once. What a crazy idea.

The Bottom Line:

Here’s the deal with this show: I had the benefit of taping it and watching it while fast-forwarding through all the filler, thus cutting it down to a lithe 2.5 hours or so, and watching it that way, it’s an AWESOME show, featuring 3 ****+ matches (which is pretty much insane, X-7 level stuff) and one very good one in Christian-Jericho. However, there’s a LOT of down-time for this show, because 4.5 hours is just too long to make people sit and watch wrestling.

So I’d say get the replay, but be warned – you’ll be extremely bored between the big matches, but if you can deal with that or have the foresight to tape it and watch it later, you won’t be disappointed.

Thumbs up.

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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Rant for WWE Wrestlemania 21

– I was going to do No Way Out first, but I figured I’d get less e-mails bugging me about this one if I took care of it first, so since that’s the kind of guy I am, here you go.

– Live from Los Angeles, CA.

– Your hosts are JR, King, Cole and Tazz.

– The set is probably one of the best they’ve ever done, where it truly says marquee on the wrestling, to quote Arn Anderson.

– Opening match: Rey Mysterio v. Eddie Guerrero. Rey’s mask troubles are immediately apparent, and Eddie takes him down with a headlock to start. Rey overpowers him for two, but Eddie takes him down again, this time with an armdrag. Rey comes back with a sunset flip for two, but Eddie slingshots him out of the ring, and they exchange highspot fakes before Eddie heads back in, no harm done. They do the lucha sequence with the wristlock bridge and Eddie takes him down from there, but Rey breaks free and they criss-cross into a Rey monkey-flip, as he continues having mask troubles. Rey charges and Eddie dumps him and follows with a pescado, as Rey AGAIN fumbles with the mask afterwards. Back in, that gets two. Backdrop suplex gets two. Eddie tries to take him into the bow-and-arrow, but they’re not on the same page and it goes nowhere. He goes to an STF while Rey adjusts his mask again, getting a little OCD about it at this point, and Rey falls out of a powerslam attempt as they botch it pretty badly. Rey comes back with an armdrag that sends Eddie out of the ring, and Rey baseball slides him (after fumbling with the mask again) and follows with a pretty spectacular corkscrew plancha. Rey springboards back in with a buttdrop and then runs into an elbow, however, and Eddie takes over again. Rolling verticals are countered into a rollup by Rey. Eddie stops that rally with a backbreaker for two. Back to the rolling verticals, but this time Rey counters to a headscissor takedown, which puts Eddie in the 619 area code. It misses, and Eddie gets another backbreaker for two. Yet another try at the rolling verticals, which he gets to finish this time, and that sets up the frog splash. It misses, however, and Rey plays with his mask again despite all the pain. He still manages to roll up Eddie, but it gets blocked for two. Eddie tries to counter a rana with a powerbomb, but he gets sent into the ropes again and Rey hits him with the 619. West Coast Pop is blocked with a nasty powerbomb for two. Eddie charges and hits elbow, and Rey reverses another of his backbreaker attempts into the West Coast Pop for the pin at 12:37. Eddie plays nice afterwards, much to my surprise. An entertaining opener, but you had feel like they were feeling pressure to top themselves from years past, and the result was Rey worrying more about his mask and not enough about the match at times. It got going near the end, but not enough to be a classic or anything. ***1/4

– Money in the Bank: Edge v. Chris Benoit v. Chris Jericho v. Shelton Benjamin v. Christian v. Kane. Everyone smartly attacks Kane before he can make it to the ring, but he fights them off, so Benoit and Benjamin suplex him on the floor. Christian makes a try for the ladder in the chaos, but Jericho see-saws it into his jaw as the match starts proper. Benjamin attacks Jericho in the corner, but gets bulldogged for his troubles. Jericho stops to dropkick Benoit and Edge off the apron, and then follows with a pescado on Edge. Christian joins the highspot party with a springboard crossbody, then Benjmain with a tope con hilo, and then Kane, just for the hell of it, with a dive from the top onto everyone. Kane, the only survivor of all that, brings a ladder into the ring and fights off the puny little midcarders, but Jericho dropkicks it in his face. Jericho makes use of the ladder, fighting off the others with it and dropping it on Edge. Benoit then gets the visually amazing spot of the night on any other show, hitting Jericho with a german suplex while Jericho was holding the ladder. The fact that it’s not even the spot of the MATCH is something else. Benoit tries to climb, but Kane catches him, so Benoit calmly takes him down with a crossface. Edge breaks that up, so it’s crossface for him, too. Kane hits him in the face with the ladder to break that up. Minus ten points for subtlety, plus several million for effectiveness. Kane wrecks Benoit’s shoulder in the ladder, but Edge breaks that up, and Edge & Christian briefly reunite for a Ladder Concerto on Kane. Benjamin springs in out of nowhere and clotheslines them afterwards, however. This is crazy, non-stop stuff. He spinkicks the ladder into Christian, but Edge gets the ladder back and sets it up in the corner, whipping Benjamin into it. He tries to follow with a spear, but gets flapjacked into the ladder for his troubles. Shelton follows with the stinger splash into the ladder, another visually amazing spot when you think about it, and he’s left alone with the ladder. Up he goes, but Jericho returns from the ether to climb up there with him and slug it out. Christian sets up another ladder and follows them up, and Benoit slugs it out with him. The crowd is 4 steps ahead of them here and knows what’s coming, which is great. Edge gets his own ladder and heads up, so they start doing highspots, as Christian takes Benoit down with a divorce court (further buggering the arm) and Jericho goes down as well, leaving Benjamin to get the exploder off the ladder onto Edge. Both visually astonishing and relatively safe, which is great to see. So Jericho is the last survivor and he climbs, but Christian tries to hit him with a ladder. It misses and the ladder gets wedged into the main one, making a ramp. Shelton then runs UP that ramp to knock Jericho off, which is just about the most f*cking amazing spot I’ve ever seen in one of these matches. I can’t believe the kind of timing it takes to set up that spot without looking more contrived than the plot of Star Wars Episode I, and then pull it off smoothly. Shelton climbs for the spoils, but Christian uses his ramp ladder to knock him off. Kane then returns from the dead and chokeslams Shelton into the ropes, tying him up there, but Tomko interjects himself now. He helps Christian up the ladder with a piggyback ride, but Kane breaks that up and follows him up the ladder. He can’t get him down, so he goes for the direct approach and pushes the whole ladder out of the ring, with Christian on it! Kane now climbs up, but Jericho follows him up and slugs it out with him, and they both go down hard. So Benoit, selling the arm like a crazy man, sets up another ladder in the corner and goes up to the top of it, hitting Kane with the diving headbutt from the top of THAT. WHILE SELLING THE ARM. And then he continues selling it afterwards. His previous forehead injury also opens up again, resulting in a nice flow of blood, but Kane sits up. They fight it out on the ladder, then there’s some nice continuity, as Kane tries another chokeslam off the ladder, and Benoit unleashes the machine gun headbutts this time to block him. Benoit gets to the contract, but Edge hits him in the arm with a chair, knocks him off, and wins the match at 15:22. Probably one of the greatest examples of the carwreck genre that I’ve ever seen, second only to the original TLC matches, which hold up surprisingly well too. ****3/4

Reasons why this match ruled so hard:

– Everyone hit their spots energetically instead of the usual “stop and think about it” of other ladder matches recently.
– NO SLOW-CLIMBING.
– Benoit selling injuries from start to finish.
– Innovative spots in a stale genre, set up intelligently without making the audience think that a spot is coming.

– Muhammad Hassan comes out to beat up Eugene on behalf of those who hate midgets and Americans, and Hulk Hogan saves, because apparently he was dressed up in wrestling tights for just such an emergency. As a one-time appearance this was fine, but they really need to let Hassan get some heat back off Hogan at Backlash if they don’t want to turn the character into (any more of) a joke, and I don’t see that happening.

– Undertaker v. Randy Orton. It’s too bad that Orton is heading off for surgery again now that he’s hitting his stride as a heel again. It’s like all of us know-it-all internet geeks were actually, gasp, RIGHT or something when we said he sucked as a babyface. Never mind, that’s just crazy talk. Orton tries avoiding Taker to start, then fights over a lockup with him and gets headlocked. Criss-cross and Orton gets the dropkick for two. Backdrop and he criss-crosses again, but Taker opts for a punch to get out of that. Orton does a good job selling the effects as he bails to the corner, but then ducks a charge and gets a rollup for two. RKO is blocked early, however, as Taker dumps Orton and then chases him out there. We head to the apron for UT’s guillotine legdrop, and back in for the ROPEWALK OF DOOM. Into the corner, but Taker misses a charge and gets dropkicked off the apron, taking a nice bump into the railing as a result. Back in, Orton hammers away on him and gets a clothesline for two. Taker comes back with a DDT for two. Sideslam gets two. He pounds him in the corner with a clothesline as things slow down a lot, and Snake Eyes follows, but Orton does the All Japan delayed sell and hits Taker out of the corner with an elbow for two. He pounds on him, but Taker sits up, so he tries more punching. You’d think 20 years of Popeye cartoons and Hulk Hogan matches would teach heels SOMETHING. Taker comes back with a clothesline for two. He goes to a dragon sleeper after an awkward moment where they seemed unsure of where to go, but Orton fights free and counters with a DDT, for two. He goes to the chinlock, forcing Taker to fight out of it, but Orton grabs a sleeper, so Taker fights out of that quickly with a suplex. Orton comes back with a powerslam for two. Orton tries the slugging in the corner, but Taker counters with the powerbomb, which Orton escapes. Ref is bumped as a result and they seem to mess up the Last Ride spot, but Cowboy Bob Orton runs in and KO’s UT with the cast. That’s one slow-healing injury. Orton gets two. Taker sits up again and comes back, booting Bob off the apron and chokeslamming Randy, but Randy reverses to an RKO in what would be the finish were he winning. But he’s not, so it gets two. Orton gets cocky and decides to try a tombstone on Undertaker, but that’s pretty dumb, and of course it backfires. And UT is 13-0 at 14:11. Crowd was mightily into this one by the end thanks to the super-smart booking and pacing, although I found there was too many dead spots in the middle and awkward moments. Still, better than I was expecting, by far. **3/4

– Women’s title: Trish Stratus v. Christy Hemme. Trish is apparently the latest casualty of neck surgery, which pretty much puts the nail in the coffin of the whole division, as if Christy as the #1 contender didn’t do that already. Trish offers her a free shot to start and then casually takes her down and dumps her like the joke she is. Outside and Christy meets the stairs, and then back in Trish whips her into the corner and throws some chops. Her mocking of the Christy Dance is one of the spots of the night. Christy blocks the chick kick and goes low to come back, drawing boos, and then does some amaturish looking takedown and kick stuff for two. Trish calmly comes back with more chops, but Christy comes back with a sunset flip for two, so Trish spears her down and sends her outside again. Trish blatantly calls spots on camera to keep Christy going and brings her back in for the obvious “heel gets distracted and rolled up spot”, which cues Christy’s lame comeback with kicks. Well, at least she’s not trying to punch. Christy continues her simple comeback attempt and gets the Twist of Fate, but it gets two. Christy punches away, looking terrible and obviously blown up, and then they screw up a rollup spot, which was clearly a pin for Hemme because someone forgot that Trish was supposed to kick out. Finally Trish just finishes this mess with the chick kick at 4:41. DUD The storyline was all messed up too, as usually the idea is that the heel doesn’t take the plucky face seriously enough and discovers that they’re really quite good. However, this was Trish treating Christy like a joke, Christy looking like a joke, and Trish squashing her like a bug at will. Hemme may be game, but this wasn’t the place to debut.

– Kurt Angle v. Shawn Michaels. Oh man, they have to follow THAT classic women’s title match? Shawn takes him down with a headlock to start and hangs on tenaciously. I always like that spot for some reason. In fact he hangs on for the better part of two minutes, as Angle is unable to escape by any means and the fans pick on the TNA chant of “Let’s Go Angle / Let’s Go Michaels”. Angle finally goes to the ropes to break, but Shawn grabs the headlock again, frustrating Angle. Finally he elbows out of it, but Shawn uses the frustration to get a hiptoss and a short-arm scissors. The move was invented only for the visual of seeing someone counter of it, or so my theory goes, and this is no exception. Shawn, however, counters that with a sunset flip instead of taking the bump, and then follows with a backslide for two before going back to the headlock again. They slug it out in the corner until the ref forces the break, as Angle’s frustration is evident again. Finally he batters Shawn down and gets the anklelock, but Shawn counters and takes him out with a Cactus clothesline. Shawn preps the announce table and they slug it out on the floor, but this backfires on Shawn, as he gets Angle Slammed into the post. This was a horrifying-looking spot, until subsequent replays show that his back missed by two feet. Just goes to show: Editing IS important. Angle works the back over and they head back in, where Angle gets a suplex for two. Angle goes to a bodyscissors and the crowd starts the dueling chants again. Shawn fights out and starts throwing down, but gets whipped into the corner and suplexed out with the overhead belly to belly. I guess it’s legal again now that Brock is gone. Another suplex gets two. Angle goes to a rear chinlock. Shawn fights out and gets into a slugfest, but Angle clotheslines him down again, a rather wicked one too, and they fight up to the top. Angle tries a superplex, but Shawn slugs him back down again and tries dropping the elbow. Well, that doesn’t work so good, and Angle pulls down the straps and goes for the kill. Angle Slam is countered by Shawn with an armdrag, however, and he dumps Angle with a crazy backdrop. Shawn follows with a high cross to the floor, but it looked a little off. Angle recovers fast and tries his often-teased german suplex off the apron, and it looks a lot gay if taken out of context. Shawn goes low to break, however, drawing boos from the increasingly-partisan crowd. He boots Angle to the table and follows with a moonsault, but the table is even more resilient than Michaels and won’t break. If it was 1997 then Shawn probably would have had the table fired and Bischoff would have signed it for Nitro the next night. At this point Shawn has basically opted to start ignoring the back injury, which is one of the only blemishes on the match. Back in, both guys are in rough shape, but they both stand toe-to-toe and slug it out. Good visual. Shawn gets the flying forearm and kips up, making the comeback with a clothesline and going up for the flying elbow. He goes for the superkick to finish, but Angle was just goldbricking him, and counters the kick by catching the ankle and applying the anklelock. Fun fact: According to Bret Hart, that was his original pitch for the ending of the Iron Man match. He even suggesting making a prosthetic foot for Shawn that would “snap”, thus giving Shawn a way to submit without looking weak. Anyway, Shawn is right f*cked here, as Angle hangs on tight, but Shawn makes the ropes. Angle is PUMPED now and tries an Angle Slam, but Shawn reverses, so Angle coolly reverses to the anklelock again. Shawn counters with a rollup for two, but Angle puts him down with the Angle Slam for two. Awesome sequence of stuff there. Angle then pulls up the straps so he can PULL THEM DOWN AGAIN, and goes up with the Anglesault. It misses, but really if there was ever a time for it to hit, this was it. Shawn goes up again, having not learned his lesson, and Angle catches him with a Pop-Up Angle Slam for two. That was a hell of a near-fall. Angle picks him up and slaps him around, so Shawn, in another spot of the night type spot, pushes him away and superkicks him out of nowhere, driving the crowd nuts. Sometimes you don’t need a ladder to steal the show. So both guys are dead and buried, but Shawn is alive enough to crawl over and get two. Another hell of a near-fall there. Hell, I’m going nuts watching this again and I’ve already seen it twice. Shawn struggles up, but Angle is goldbricking him again and suckers him into an anklelock. And this time there’s no escape. Shawn tries to fight him off, but perhaps as a callback to the never-ending headlock, Angle counters everything he has and pulls him back into the center, turning into the deadly heel hook that no one has ever countered. Shawn withstands as long as humanly possible and nearly makes the crowd believe that he can escape, and probably longer than was good for the move, but he finally does the right thing and taps out at 26:14. Shawn’s usual selling issues aside, I enjoyed this even more upon repeat viewings, especially Angle’s incredible intensity, as he’s one of the few guys that you really believe CARES about the match he’s in. Just fantastic. ****3/4

– Things go down a few notches from there, with Piper’s Pit, as we get some silliness with Piper getting pissed off at the crowd’s “What” nonsense, and Carlito gets over a little bit before Austin stuns everyone again and it’s like the bad old days all over. Really, Austin’s time and place has come and gone.

– Sumo Match: I still don’t get the point of this. Next.

– Smackdown World title: JBL v. John Cena. The crowd clearly regards this as the secondary belt, although the JBL dollars falling from the ceiling was a nice touch. Really, given the nature of the characters and the buildup, plus the wrestling-based match that was Angle-Michaels, this was the point where you pull out of the Russo-riffic stops and do the craziest Austin-era-style hardcore match possible. You have the Cabinet running in and breaking up pins at the last second, Cena hitting JBL with bull-horns and slamming him through the limo, tons of blood, someone new debuting for the Cabinet and turning on Cena to give JBL a near-fall, whatever. Instead, we got this. JBL grabs a headlock to start but gets overpowered by Cena, so he knocks him down and pounds away in the corner. JBL keeps kicking and punching and gets a neckbreaker, then another one for two. Tazz’s analysis of this: “JBL used the move, saw it wasn’t effective, then went back to it again because it was the move that worked. That’s why he’s so successful”. Uh, yeah. We get some choking on the ropes and JBL slingshots him under the ropes, but Cena fights back. JBL misses a charge, but catches a spinebuster. Well, he’s no Batista. That gets two. Another neckbreaker, even though Cena has no history of a bad neck and the move has failed to get a pin twice before, and it gets two again. Cena tries to fight back again as I wonder if there’s an actual story to this match or if they’re just making it up as they go along. JBL gets the corner clothesline and a short clothesline for two. So basically he’s got clotheslines and neckbreakers in his arsenal tonight. JBL drives an elbow into the back as the crowd starts turning on the match, and a sleeper doesn’t help things any. They fight outside and JBL gets another one of his dreaded neckbreakers, and back in they head up top and it’s a superplex. That’s about the biggest highspot of the match. That gets two. JBL goes up to finish, but Cena catches a shoulderblock attempt and turns it into a powerslam. He comes back to the non-delight of the bored crowd, slugging away and getting his clotheslines and backdrop. Hiptoss sets up a backdrop suplex and the five-knuckle shuffle. FU finishes and gives Cena his first World title at 11:25. The finish was so unexpected that fans simply thought it was the first of a series of near-falls, and barely popped for it. This was somehow worse than I feared, being not only bad, but dull too. Not even a good TV match. *1/4 Cena’s limitations were pretty severely exposed here. And really, after 8 months as champion, JBL almost deserved a better ending to his title reign.

– RAW World title: HHH v. Batista. To show where the power really lies, HHH gets to make his entrance with Motorhead doing the live version of his song (although Lemmy forgets almost every word) and then jams with the band before coming to the ring. Batista can’t possibly follow that entrance, and his anemic pop shows it. They fight over a lockup to start, and that goes nowhere. Another try at the lockup and this time Batista shoves HHH out of the corner and overpowers him. HHH tries a headlock and quickly goes for the Pedigree, but Batista counters with a press slam and nearly drops HHH on his head in the process. Whoa, calm down there, big guy. Next time drop him STRAIGHT down on the head. You have to stop and think about that stuff, because otherwise he might come back after surgery. Batista fights off some punching and gets a backdrop, but HHH gets the high knee and Batista bails. Back in, HHH catches him with an elbow from the middle rope and starts stomping and choking. Flair gets a cheapshot in and HHH starts working the back outside, ramming Batista into the railing and apron. Of all the booking strategies I would have tried, “Batista selling for extended periods of time” would pretty much be at the bottom of the list. HHH continues hammering on the back and gets a suplex for two. He stays on the back with a backbreaker and necksnaps Batista off the apron, as the pace gets really SLOOOOOOOW. Even JR comments on it, with his usual “deliberate pace” codeword. They slug it out in the corner and HHH gets the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for two. Well, of course HHH has to use a spinebuster in Dave’s big coming-out match. God forbid he DIDN’T. Neckbreaker gets two. Batista fights back slowly, but HHH goes for another Pedigree, which Batista backdrops out of. HHH cuts off another comeback with a facecrusher, and that gets two. HHH goes up and gets caught with a clothesline as a result, and Batista finally makes the comeback. Sideslam gets two. HHH cuts him off again with a foot in the corner, but Batista whips him out of the ring. The psychology here is all ass-backwards, as the first 10 minutes of the match should have been Batista whipping HHH like a dog and showing that he can counter all of his signature stuff, and then HHH getting some sort of desperation move to take over. Instead we get Batista, who the crowd was desperate to get behind as a smart babyface, looking like a raw rookie who’s intimidated by the big stage and can’t figure out his former mentor. Let me put it this way: They NEVER booked Steve Austin to take 15 minutes of punishment to start a match. Or Hulk Hogan. Hell, they never booked Hogan past 10 minutes, period. Anyway, they brawl outside and HHH tries a Pedigree on the stairs, but gets catapulted into the post as a result and starts bleeding. Back in, Batista starts throwing down, getting a corner clothesline but not showing the kind of fire that a guy in this position should be showing. A third corner clothesline knocks HHH down, setting up a powerslam for two. HHH retreats outside and grabs a chair, but the ref steals it from him. Back in, they stall while Flair gets into position, as he runs in and walks into a spinebuster from Dave. However, HHH gets the belt and knocks Batista out with it, getting two. The crowd seemed far more upset at the idea of HHH winning than that of Batista losing. Batista makes the final comeback with the spinebuster, but HHH cuts THAT off too with the low blow and it’s KICK WHAM…no Pedigree. Batista blocks it, powers him into a sideslam, and gives the thumbs down before finishing with the demon bomb to win the World title at 21:34. HHH was NOT the guy to move the title onto the next big thing, as the match was insanely long and HHH took way too much of the offense for most of it. The ending was well done, with the usual dramatic near-fall, but I think this was the worst thing that could happen to Batista, as he was completely exposed by HHH and overshadowed by Austin and Hogan, and it’s going to prove a deadly combination to his run as champion. A major disappointment to say the least. **3/4

The Inside Pulse

If this was a regular 3-hour PPV, it’s one of the greatest ever. But with the fourth hour dragging it down, it’s still firmly behind X7 and XX on the “Greatest Wrestlemanias ever” list. Although it’s too soon to say that Batista’s title run is flopping, the signs don’t look good already, and I think this may be a good place to point to when the second-guessing begins and HHH gets the belt back.

Still, a pair of ****+ classics makes this an easy thumbs up.
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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Rant for WWE Wrestlemania 22

– I’ve tried to start this one a couple of times, so we’ll see what happens this time around. I think this show, however, encapsulates what my fandom has turned into, as it was the first Wrestlemania where I missed the show and didn’t really panic about it. Whereas VII was a bummer because the sport was in a slump and no one was showing it closed-circuit in Edmonton (and we didn’t have pay-per-view in Canada yet!), this one was just a show that didn’t appeal to me and didn’t seem to have any matches on it that were worth taking the day off work and paying the $20 to catch it at the movie theater. I’m fickle that way.

– Live from Chicago, IL

– Your hosts are JR, King, Tazz & Cole.

– Opening match, RAW World tag titles: Kane & Big Show v. Carlito & Chris Masters. Masters overpowers Kane to start, but gets dropkicked as a result. JR notes it’s like getting hit in the head with a bowling ball and Show’s hands are like skillets. Oh, great, now he’s doing the metaphors too. Show beats on Masters and slams him, but Masters brings Carlito in, in an act of futility. Crowd is actually behind Carlito, however, as Show press-slams both heels and clears the ring by tossing them both. Kane follows with a flying clothesline to the floor, obviously having eaten his Wheaties that morning. However, fate proves fickle, as the heels flapjack Show after a trip to an exposed turnbuckle, and then he quickly tags Kane back in again. Sideslam for Carlito and he goes up, but lands in a Masterlock. Show breaks that up and gets Snake Eyes on Masters, while Carlito gets the backcracker on Kane and everything breaks down. The heels stall while Kane sits up, allowing him to make the comeback and try a chokeslam. Masters attempts to save by coming off the top, but hits Carlito by mistake, and the chokeslam finishes Carlito. (Kane & Show d. Carlito & Masters, chokeslam — pin, 6:38, *1/2) Short and fairly inoffensive.

– Money In The Back: Rob Van Dam v. Shelton Benjamin v. Ric Flair v. Matt Hardy v. Finlay v. Lashley. Big brawl to start and Lashley pounds everyone down, then hits Finlay with a corner clothesline. Press-slam for Flair, but Benjamin gives him the bad-ass high kick to take him out. Won’t the black-on-black violence ever stop? Matt goes for the ladder, but RVD splats him with a dive, which wasn’t a smart move for either guy. Shelton gets another ladder and beats on Finlay with it, then lays it on the top rope and runs up it for a spectacular dive onto everyone else. That leaves Finlay alone, until Flair clobbers him and makes the first climb for the contract. Hardy follows him up there and brings him down with a superplex from the ladder, prompting the referees to make the fake “X” sign and signal his exit from the match. They’re the only ones falling for his melodramatic selling these days, then. Back to the ring as Rob misses Rolling Thunder and lands on a ladder, allowing Lashley to slow-climb the ladder. Shelton follows him up and tries the old powerbomb off the ladder, but Lashley is too strong, so Matt and Finlay assist in completing the move. Neat. Matt takes over on Finlay and charges at a ladder in the corner, but gets it thrown in his face. Uh oh, Finlay’s got a weapon and he’s pissed. He cleans house as Flair hobbles back out again and takes out Finlay, then climbs. Shelton and Matt bring him down, but succumb to the chops and Flair goes up again. Finlay decks him with the shelei…shalay…club, and then Lashley takes him out and clears the ring. He slow climbs again, but RVD brings him down with a Van Daminator off the top, out of nowhere. Matt adds a yodelling legdrop off the ladder, which really just looks silly after the other highspots, and it’s his turn to climb. Finlay stops him, so Matt brings him down with a Side Effect. RVD comes out of the corner with a frog splash off the ladder onto Finlay, but it was kind of weak, more like a **1/2 frog splash. He climbs, but Shelton literally comes out of nowhere and lands on the top of the ladder like Spider-Man. This guy is a freak. Matt follows him up, but not as dramatically, and they knock each other off, leaving RVD to claim the briefcase. (RVD wins Money In the Bank, 12:22, ***1/2) The quality of the highspots was down a bit from last year, and it was more of a traditional “set up the crazy spot and hit it, move onto the next” type of thing instead of the more thoughtful “This didn’t work, so we’ll use the results to launch a new sequence” stuff of last year’s match. Still, it was fun and hard-hitting, so huzzah.

– Hall of Fame = fast forward.

– US title: Chris Benoit v. JBL. Slugfest in the corner to start and JBL grabs a headlock, but Benoit quickly turns it into a crossface attempt, albeit unsuccessfully. JBL takes him down out of the ropes, but Benoit pounds him on the mat and starts throwing chops. Sharpshooter attempt, but JBL kicks out of it and pokes him in the eyes on the floor. They slug it out back in the ring, but JBL throws a big boot and takes over in the corner. Benoit quickly fires off the rolling germans, which is way too early for the move, and goes up, which is WAAAAY too early for that. And indeed, JBL uses the ref to crotch Benoit and follows him up. Back down with a superplex, which gets two for JBL. He follows with Eddie’s rolling suplexes, just because he’s such a classy guy, and Benoit fights out of it before running into a boot. That gets two for JBL. We hit the chinlock, as this match has never gotten off the launchpad, and Benoit suplexes out of it. He follows with his own version of Eddie’s rolling suplexes, although he does more of a kip-up than a roll between each one. Back up to the top again, and this time the diving headbutt hits. That gets two. Blind charge misses, as does the Clothesline from New York, and Benoit tries another crossface. JBL fights it, rolls over, and gets the pin and title. (JBL d. Benoit, rollup — pin, 9:44, **) Really weak match, which is normal for JBL at Wrestlemania. The finish had no build, either, as they didn’t have the time needed to make people care about what they were trying for.

– Hardcore match: Mick Foley v. Edge. So now we’ve got Joey Styles on commentary. Edge tries attacking with a baseball bat to start, but gets hung in the corner by Mick and elbowed. Joey’s analysis of Mick’s flannel seems a bit forced, but I guess he’s the expert. Lita retrieves the usual plunder — cookie sheets and road signs — allowing Edge to take over for the moment. Who seriously uses cookie sheets in a fight? Anyway, the spear looks to end it early, but Mick reveals that he was wearing barbed wire under his flannel. Edge just got PUNK’D! The blood starts flowing as Mick rips him up with it and retrieves the real deal — the barbed wire baseball bat. Now that’s what I’m talking about. Lita tries to slow him up, so Mick clotheslines Edge out with Lita on his back, and gets two. Neckbreaker on the floor gets two. Mick takes a run at him on the stairs, but Edge hiptosses him into the stairs instead. That wasn’t quite enough for him, so Edge whips him into them and Mick takes his usual crazy bump off it. Mick rolls back in, so Edge baseball slides him out again and then finds a table under the ring. Mick uses a cunning counter — rolling off the table, what a concept — so Edge slams him on the ramp for two. Back into the ring, and Edge finds his inner New Jack by dousing Foley with lighter fluid. Now there’s a spot you don’t see every day. Mick comes back with a piledriver and grabs a chair, but goes after Lita and Edge DDTs him for two. Edge now uses the barbed wire bat for nefarious purposes, and it’s Foley’s turn to bleed. Bulldog on the bat gets two. And now more secrets are revealed, as Edge shows off his weapons cache under the stairs and dumps some thumbtacks into the ring. And irony proves to be ironic again, as Mick suplexes him onto them instead. And now it’s Mr. Socko, with barbed wire to boot, and that’s one effective finisher. Everyone bleeds and Foley pounds on Edge with the bat in various unsavory ways. Now see, this is the difference between just doing a bunch of crazy highspots and actually taking the time to make each disgusting move mean something. Mick goes all Homer Simpson with the lighter fluid on the table, and yes, we have fire. Edge spears him through the flaming table, and yes, that is enough to end it. (Edge d. Foley, spear through a flaming table — pin, 14:36, ****1/4) Tremendous fun, as Foley somehow found new ways to recycle the same old hardcore spots into something new and different each time.

– Meanwhile, Booker and Mrs. T run into a series of freaks. I wouldn’t really call Paul Burchill a freak, though — he’s just a big Johnny Depp fan. It’s not like Jean-Pierre LaFitte where we’re supposed to think he’s REALLY a pirate and just happens to be a wrestler in his spare time. I consider that a more insulting idea than some nutcase who dresses like a pirate.

– The Boogeyman v. Booker & Mrs. T. I don’t see how they can bash Warrior for being from “Parts unknown” and then introduce someone from “The Bottomless Pit” from a straight face. Booker lets Sharmell start, and then attacks Boogey from behind and sidekicks him for two. He chokes away and the Bookend gets two. Really ugly sequence as Boogey makes the comeback and forearms him down, as they manage to blow everything. Nobody likes Boogeyman and everybody hates him, so he stops to eat some worms, then chases off Sharmell with a wormy kiss. Tree slam finishes Booker. Oh, this was not good, no it wasn’t. (Boogeyman d. Booker T, chokeslam — pin, 3:53, DUD) The result is perplexing because the Boogeyman character is the kind of over-the-top stupid thing like the Bushwackers where the guy’s gonna get over or not based on the dumb skits and theatrics, regardless of the won-loss record. Trying to give him a serious push would be like trying to make Eugene into a top contender, and we all know how big the backlash for that was.

– WWE Women’s title: Trish Stratus v. Mickie James. Mickie slaps her around to start, drawing Trish’s fire, and Trish gets a Thesz Press and pounds away in the corner. Mickie tries a spinkick, but Trish drops her into the splits (now there’s a counter you don’t see in men’s matches) and they brawl outside. Mickie wraps the leg around the post after Trish misses a high kick, and takes over back in the ring via a low dropkick. She goes to work on the leg and the crowd inexplicably starts cheering for Mickie James outright. Geez, the heat spot wasn’t THAT great. Half-crab and she releases for two. Back to the leg with a really nasty jumping stomp to the back of the knee in the corner, and she leg-bars Trish for two. The crowd is still with Mickie for no reason I can imagine. Trish comes back with a swinging headscissors, drawing boos. Why is this crowd turning on Trish? She’s hot, she’s awesome in the ring, what more do you want? Trish makes the comeback with a spinebuster for two, but a blind charge hits Mickie’s boot. Trish follows with the handstand rana, but Mickie blocks it and drops her on her head. A very sexy rollup gets two. Trish cradles for two. Mickie tries a rana of her own, but Trish powerbombs her for two. Good selling of the leg from Trish, two. Matrix dodge doesn’t work due to the leg, and Mickie gropes her to block the bulldog. That’s pretty awesome. Mickie tries her own version, but Trish’s knee buckles, and Mickie finishes her with the chick kick to end Trish’s insanely long title reign. (Mickie James d. Trish Stratus, high kick — pin, 8:49, ***) This was going well before the horrifyingly botched finish.

– Casket match: Undertaker v. Mark Henry. Speaking of horrifying and insane, witness the push of Mark Henry. Henry attacks to start and no-sells the Undertaker’s attempts to clothesline him, then pounds him down. They brawl out of the ring and UT eats stairs, and back in they go. Slugfest and Taker tries the ropewalk, but Henry blocks it and continues his one-dimensional offense. Punch punch, kick kick, punch punch, kick kick. First attempt to put Taker into the casket goes nowhere. Crowd chants “Henry sucks”, and I can’t disagree. Mark misses a charge and lands in the casket, and they slug it out in there, and head back into the ring. This is making Boogeyman v. Booker T look like it’s not going to be a candidate for worst match of the night. Henry catches UT with a powerslam and puts him in the casket again, but again that goes nowhere as Taker makes another thrilling return to the ring. Finally, a high spot, as Henry pounds away in the corner and Taker powerbombs him out of there. Taker tosses him and follows with the running dive, over the casket and onto Henry. Well, that at least saves it from worst match honors. Thank god, tombstone and we’re done with the boredom. (Underaker d. Mark Henry, tombstone — casket, 9:26, *)

– Shawn Michaels v. Vince McMahon. Vince’s strut is in fine form tonight. They brawl on the floor right away, thus interrupting Vince’s hilarious posing and preening. Shawn chokes him out on the announce table and hits him with what appears to be a bottle of water. Well, that would hurt, I guess. Back in, Shawn grabs Vince’s framed magazine cover and breaks it over his head (Ooh, tearing paper), which draws the Spirit Squad out for the gang-beating. They stop for a cheer and send Kenny to the top, but he misses the legdrop. If I could remember one of the lines from “Bring It On” that my wife and her friends chant at each other incessantly to annoy me, I’d add it here. But I can’t, so your loss. Shawn sends Kenny over the top in melodramatic fashion (Oh my god, they…no, too easy) onto the rest of the Squad to get rid of them, and Vince goes on the attack. He chokes Shawn down with his belt and runs around the ring setting up the Vince-kick. It’s too bad Vince didn’t become a worker earlier in life because he’s insanely entertaining when he needs to be. Shawn catches it and slugs away, then uses Vince’s own belt on him. To the top and the flying elbow allows JR to work his “deep into the black, black heart” stuff in. And then our next mystery guest is Shane McMahon and his kendo stick. And luckily, he also has a pair of handcuffs in his pants. Vince readies himself for an ass-kissing, but Shawn sends Shane into the line of fire instead, and then gets rid of him, handcuffing him to the ropes. Shawn doing the Shane Dance is great, as is Shane getting beaten like a little bitch with the cane. Back in, and Vince eats chair, but had already bladed before the chairshot, thus reducing the magic a little back. IT’S STILL REAL TO ME, DAMMIT! You knew I was gonna work it in SOMEWHERE. Shawn starts tuning up the band, but then changes his mind and gets a ladder instead. How much stuff is UNDER that ring? I swear, they need a new branch of physics to explain how everything can fit under there. It’s like when Optimus Prime transforms and the trailer disappears into hyperspace or something. Shawn goes for the kick again, but then changes his mind again and retrieves some garbage cans and a table. Vince gets beat down with THOSE, and Shawn puts him on the table, retrieves an even bigger ladder, and puts a trashcan on Vince’s head for good measure. Elbowdrop off the ladder, onto the garbage-can-covered Vince, through the table, and a crotchchop for good measure to set up the fatal superkick, and Vince isn’t kicking out of that. (Shawn Michaels d. Vince McMahon, elbowdrop, garbage can, table, ladder, belt, crotchchop, superkick — pin, 18:24, **3/4) I know this will sound unlike me to say, but I think the brutal and inhumane beating of Vince McMahon until he was a quivering mass of jelly was a bit excessive and went on for too long. There wasn’t really any body or flow to the match, it was just a series of run-ins and then Shawn pounding on Vince until he was near death. It was, however, safely into the sub-genre of “entertaining crap”, which I can deal with if doled out in small, once-yearly doses. Vince flipping the bird from the stretcher nearly adds another * to the rating, however.

– Smackdown World title: Kurt Angle v. Rey Mysterio v. Randy Orton. Orton attacks Angle with the belt to start, and blocks a flying Rey with a dropkick for two. Angle sneaks in with a german suplex on Orton, and then we get a three-man german suplex, with Rey flying into the corner. Angle gets two on Orton from that. Orton comes back with the neckbreaker on Angle for two. Angle with the belly to belly and they head up, but Rey stops Angle, only to get launched in the air by Angle, into a rana on Orton from the top. Nice. Angle gets two on Orton from that. Rey is on the floor and Angle suplexes Orton in for two. Angle tries an anklelock, but Rey breaks it up, so Angle forearms him down for two. Angle sunset flip is rolled through into a low kick by Rey, which gets two. Rey takes Angle down with the headscissors, but the 619 is caught by Angle, and the anklelock follows. Rey quickly taps out, but Orton is distracting the ref. Another anklelock, and Orton saves. Angle suplexes both guys and Angle Slams Rey to the floor to get rid of him. Angle is wrestling like he’s playing No Mercy or something. Anklelock for Orton, and now Orton gets to tap while Rey distracts the ref. Angle gets the heel hook on Orton, but Rey breaks it up with the legdrop. That gets two. The crowd is now booing Rey. I don’t get this. Angle sends Rey into the post and out of the ring, leaving him alone with Orton, and the Angle Slam is reversed to the RKO as a result. That gets two. In all fairness, the match is only 6 minutes old thus far, but having Angle kick of the RKO is a bad idea. Orton goes up, and Angle follows with the Pop-Up Superplex. Rey tries the ringpost 619, but screws it up and springboards in for two instead. Orton gets rid of Angle and hits a neckbreaker out of a body vice, and that gets two. I guess that counts as the heat segment for the match. Angle Slam on Orton gets two. Another one for Rey, but he reverses to an armdrag to get rid of Kurt, and 619s Orton. West Coast Pop finishes to give Rey the title. (Rey Mysterio d. Randy Orton & Kurt Angle, rana — pin, 9:17, ***) Uh, that was it? Spot-spot-spot and Rey gets his finisher out of nowhere to win the belt? There was no heat segment on Rey to make fans get behind his comeback, no comeback at all in fact, and nothing but 10 minutes of random finishers. It was from a strictly technical standpoint and fairly exciting, but what a horribly disappointing payoff for Rey’s chase of the title.

– Candace Michelle v. Torrie Wilson. This is a Playboy pillowfight thing to cool down the crowd before the main event. It’s weird hearing JR talk about the gate as a statistic that fans would care about. Torrie wins, the girls are in their underwear, next match. (Torrie d. Candace, rollup — pin, 3:54, DUD) Way too long.

– RAW World title: John Cena v. HHH. HHH’s ring garb leaves me with only one thing to say: …. Man, there’s just so many jokes to make here. It’s hard to look badass when your wife dresses you like you just failed an audition for Conan: The Musical. However, he can take solace in knowing that even having a dead animal around his waist and wearing a tiara can’t compete with John Cena as a Depression-era gangster with a group of tommy gun-toting miscreants as his seconds. And suitably, the crowd still boos the crap out of him. Is he going to be merchandising foam tommy guns for the kids to take to school with them next, I wonder? Thankfully, they have updated the graphic for the belt, and it now has a RAW plate on it. I’ll give one thing to Cena — his matches draw unreal heat whether people are cheering or booing him. They trade hammerlocks to start and HHH takes him down. HHH outwrestles him with another hammerlock and sends him into the corner. The classy crowd starts a “Fuck you Cena” chant. Well, they’re not afraid of expressing their opinion. Cena and HHH do a normal sequence where Cena misses a charge and they trade moves, made bizarre by listening to the crowd go “Boo! Yay! Boo! Yay!” in perfect time with each move. Cena gets tossed, but heads back in and slugs away in the corner to deafening boos, and a backdrop gets two. Fisherman’s suplex gets two. We hit the chinlock, giving the fans time to think up new chants to insult Cena, and they slug it out in the corner. HHH gets tossed off a corner whip, but comes back and tries a piledriver on the ramp, which Cena reverses out of. Into the ring and the crowd starts a REALLY loud “Let’s go Cena / Fuck You Cena” chant as HHH takes over and chokes him down. Cena gets sent into the stairs on the floor, and I’m kind of surprised they haven’t just gone with it and switched roles by now. Back in, HHH gets two. Kneedrop gets two. Facebuster and a nice lariat follow for two. Neckbreaker gets two. Another one gets two, and HHH goes to a neck vice as JR runs through the laundry list of nicknames that HHH has given himself. Sleeper and Cena fights up, drawing the crowd’s ire. Clothesline puts HHH down, and they do a slugfest again made bizarre by the “Yay! Boo! Yay! Boo!” from the crowd. Powerslam from Cena wins the battle, and he follows with a backdrop suplex. He goes for the five-knuckle shuffle, but HHH counters with a spinebuster for two. I think the Cena thing is really interesting because the fans who boo him are trying to be all hip and edgy, but really all they’re doing is reverting to the very markish state that they’re trying to escape. To boo the guy you hate and cheer his opponent is as basic a reaction as there is in wrestling, regardless of who is being booed. Cena gets the shuffle and follows with the STFU, but HHH makes the ropes. FU is escaped by HHH and the ref is bumped and kicked in the junk for good measure. HHH stops to do his own crotch-chop and retrieves his trusty sledgehammer. Cena fights back, but gets sledged. That only gets two, because only a Pedigree can end a HHH match if he’s winning. Pedigree is reversed by Cena into the FU, for two. Cena goes up, and that can’t be a good idea, and totally whiffs on a high cross. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE is reversed to the STFU, and HHH shocks the hell out of me and taps. (Cena d. HHH, STFU — submission, 22:02, ****) As noted many times by me, HHH can certainly still bring the goods with the right opponent and motivation on his part.

The Inside Pulse

I’d say there was more good than bad here, although nothing I’d consider a blowaway Wrestlemania-moment type match outside of maybe Edge-Foley. Time issues and too many matches trodding the same territory hurt it quite a bit, but for the most part it was a better show than I anticipated, and that’s good enough for a thumbs up from me.
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This Smark Wrestlemania Rant by Scott Keith is part of a series of reposts counting down to this year’s Wrestlemania. They are re-published “as is” with relative commentary from when they were written. Enjoy!

The SmarK Rant for WWE Wrestlemania 23

– Live from Detroit, MI.

– Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler & Michael Cole & JBL & Joey Styles & Tazz

Money In the Bank: Jeff Hardy v. King Booker v. Finlay v. CM Punk v. Mr. Kennedy v. Matt Hardy v. Randy Orton v. Edge

The brawl begins immediately, of course, and Finlay hits everyone with a dive to the floor. First climb attempt from Edge is stopped by Matt. Then Finlay and Orton attack each other on the ladder. Jeff and Kennedy pair off next, while Booker finds the Little Bastard’s stepladder under the ring and stops to cut a promo about it. Edge tries to suplex Punk onto a ladder while Booker hits everyone with spinebusters and chooses to Spinarooni instead of doing anything. The Hardyz reward that with a ladder to the face. Well, he had that coming. They try to disfigure Edge with ladders, and sadly I miss a couple of minutes while the pizza arrives. Back with Edge spearing everyone, but Punk is the smart one and moves, and Edge meets the post. Punk follows with the old Terry Funk spot, spinning the ladder on his shoulders and taking people out until Edge spears him to break it up. And works well, because Punk takes out two guys on the way down with the ladder. Edge, our Alpha Dog for the match, brings the biggest ladder into the ring and makes a go of it, but his hetero life partner Randy Orton pushes him off. Jeff takes him out and with Edge on the ladder outside…he climbs up the giant ladder and splashes him THROUGH the ladder, breaking it (and Edge) in half. Holy CRAP. I think I just pooped.

Edge gets stretchered out, which is always a good sign for this sort of match, and Orton uses the moment to RKO the competition. Punk prevents him from getting to the top and sets up his own ladder, which I guess has sentimental value or something, and we get the climbing race. This leads to Orton bringing him down with an RKO, and that leaves Booker standing, and climbing. Orton tries the same thing with him, but takes a Bookend for his troubles. Booker climbs, but Matt uses some well-timed emotional blackmail by threatening Sharmell. Hey, that’s a pretty good strategy. Twist of Fate takes Booker out and Matt climbs, but Finlay pushes him over and Matt takes a pretty sick flat back bump off the ladder. Finlay follows with an Emerald Frozen on the ladder and it’s his turn to climb, but the Little Bastard volunteers instead. That’s just too silly for Mr. Kennedy to deal with, so we get some midget abuse. Finlay uses the sacrifice of his faithful midget to lay Kennedy out with the ladder and climbs again, but now Punk returns and dropkicks him off it again. Up the ladder, but Kennedy follows him up, and then when that fails, spears him in the jaw with a ladder and climbs up himself and wins it at 19:10. Lacking the big spot to finish, but a typically good trainwreck match to start off the night. And I pity whoever has to follow. ****

The Great Khali v. Kane

Geez, I should have waited to get the pizza. At least there’s no worries about following the opener here. Khali overpowers Kane to start and puts him on the floor, and gets a clothesline back in the ring. JR drops the first bowling shoe reference as Khali runs through the clubbing forearms, stomping and choking, but Kane slugs back. Flying clothesline is no-sold by Khali, but Kane gets him tied in the ropes, then grabs…his giant meathook? Who booked this crap? Khali slugs him down, but Kane goes low with his chain and slams him for two. The announcers sell the slam like it’s a shooting star press or something, but the tree slam ends it for Khali at 5:29, thank god. At least it was quick. 1/2*

– Meanwhile, Cryme Tyme tries to cheer up Eugene with a dance contest, but he’d rather dance with Mae & Moolah. This leads to all sorts of silly run-ins, from Slick and Dusty and IRS and Jimmy Hart and Ricky Steamboat. The payoff is of course Ron Simmons coming in and going “Damn”. Slick managing Cryme Tyme would fit really well, actually.

US title match: Chris Benoit v. MVP

MVP grabs a headlock to start and gets taken down as a result, then gets in Benoit’s face and gets taken down again. Benoit tries for a crossface, but MVP makes the ropes. Benoit takes him down again, but MVP counters with a fireman’s carry, and they’re in the ropes again. MVP tries slugging on Benoit, but gets put in the corner in superplex position as a result. MVP counters and puts him on the mat, and starts going to work on the arm for a two count. Some shots to the arm set up a spinkick, but Benoit ducks it and follows with the rolling germans. He goes up too soon, however, and gets brought down by MVP with a superplex. Benoit uses the Dynamite Kid reversal to a small package for two, however. MVP goes back to the arm, running him into the post into a rollup for two. Backdrop suplex gets two. JBL’s over the top praise of MVP’s plan here is a little much. Benoit fights up again, but walks into a big boot. Benoit tries another crossface, but MVP hits him in the arm to break and gets a hammerlock slam. Elbowdrop gets two. MVP manages to counter the rolling germans once, but another go is successful. Diving headbutt finishes clean at 9:16. That’s pretty suprising, not only because everyone seemed to think that MVP was winning the belt (except me) but also because Benoit usually wins by submission. I guess it fits in that MVP had the crossface countered all match. MVP wasn’t ready to hang with Benoit in this kind of setting, but it was OK. **1/2

– Meanwhile, Donald Trump meets the Boogeyman. Hilarity ensues.

– Hall of Fame time, as we get the video from last night and Finkel brings out the inductees who are still alive. God, poor Fuji looks like he’s not long for the world. No wonder they put him in this year.

Smackdown World title: Batista v. Undertaker

Ouch, moving it this far down the card? Undertaker has the whole druid thing going tonight, so you know he means business. Batista spears him right at the bell and they trade shots in the corner, but Batista clotheslines him and dumps him, as the crowd is already turning on him. Brawl on the floor and Taker takes a ride into the stairs. Back in, Batista comes in via the top rope (!) with a flying shoulderblock for two, but walks into the big boot and does the All Japan sell by hitting Undertaker with a lariat before going down. He keeps coming with a slam, but they slug it out and the crowd does the bizarre “Boo/Yay” thing as Undertaker comes back with a corner clothesline. Snake Eyes and big boot set up the legdrop, brother, and that gets two. Old school ropewalk sets up the chokeslam, but Batista powers out of it. Taker hits him with the flying clothesline for two, and Batista bails. Nice to hear the crowd really getting into it after a slow start for them.

UT takes over and gets the legdrop on the apron and busts out the tope con hilo, but Batista whips him into the timekeeper’s table and pounds on him. The crowd doesn’t like that. They prep the table, and Batista powerslams him through it. Back in, that gets two. Batista pounds on him in frustrated manner and gets two off that. Batista fights out of the powerbomb attempt and throws elbows in the corner, but Batista takes him down with a belly to belly for two. He slugs away in the corner, but Undertaker counters with the Last Ride for two. Obviously he hasn’t watched Wrestlemania X-7. Batista comes back with the spinebuster, but Taker sits up and chokeslams him. That only gets two as the crowd is getting REALLY tense. Tombstone, but Batista counters with a spear and the demon bomb for two. Another one is reversed, and the tombstone ends his title reign at 15:46. They’ll have the title on Kennedy soon enough, I think. I don’t know that this could have closed the show, but it was about 100 times better than I was expecting, as Batista actually looked motivated for once and they worked a really good power match together. Probably Undertaker’s best match since the Kurt Angle one last year. ***1/2

– Meanwhile, Stephanie brings the demon spawn baby to visit Grandpa Vince, which gives us the creepy baby cam.

Sandman, Rob Van Dam, Sabu & Tommy Dreamer v. Elijah Burke, Matt Striker, Kevin Thorne & Marcus Cor Von.

Sabu hits Striker with springboard kicks to start for two, and Sandman comes in with the guillotine legdrop for two. Burke gets double-teamed by Dreamer and Sandman, but a cheapshot from the apron and Dreamer is YOUR face in peril. Cor Von gets a butterfly suplex and Burke follows with the high knee in the corner for two. Thorne comes in with a chinlock, and a spinebuster gets two. Cor Von suplexes him for two and also goes to the chinlock. Dreamer comes back with an inverted DDT and it’s hot tag RVD. High kick for Striker and missile dropkick for Striker, and they start doing highspots, with everyone ending up on the floor. RVD hits Striker with the frog splash to finish at 6:25. Just a match, when really it should have been a big crazy brawl. **

Battle of the Billionaires: Lashley v. Umaga

Entrances alone burn 20 minutes, which shows why it’s a four hour show, I guess. Slugfest to start and Lashley gets a corner clothesline, but Austin yanks him off. Umaga tries a corner splash, but misses and Lashley gets two. Estrada gets involved and Lashley destroys him, then ducks a charging Umaga and puts him on the floor as a result. Back in, Lashley charges and it’s his turn to splat on the floor. Back in, a splash gets two and he chokes away, but Austin breaks that up. That’s some really shoddy refereeing. Umaga buttdrops him on the ropes and follows with a samoan drop. Lashley tries to come back with a slam, but Umaga falls on top for two. This one is seriously dragging thus far. Umaga goes up and gets slammed off, and it’s a double count. Austin refuses to finish counting, and now Shane McMahon joins us to hopefully come in and work the match for these guys so it’ll break **. Umaga chokes away again and Austin pulls him off again, so Umaga takes him out with a samoan spike. He had it coming. Now the overbooking begins, as Shane comes in and teams up on Lashley, as Umaga gets the running butt splash and Shane follows with the Shane Terminator. And thankfully, he’s wearing his ref shirt under his suit, just in case this situation occurred. Umaga gets the flying splash for two, but Austin recovers and saves, only to get laid out by Umaga again. Trump finally SNAPS and unleashes his wrath on Vince, and it’s KICK WHAM STUNNER for Umaga, and the spear finishes at 13:05. This didn’t really have the spirit of joyful anarchy that most of Vince’s garbage matches usually have, as much of the match was Umaga and Lashley having a shitty match before the requisite run-ins and silliness began. Major disappointment. *1/2 And we learn that it was Vince’s real hair all along, as they shave him bald. Well, at least it wasn’t one of those wussy haircuts you usually get, where they snip a little hair and do the rest later. The crowd still isn’t buying into Lashley.

– I guess we’ve burned through too fast, because they stop to show highlights of the DARK MATCH (what is this, UFC?) before moving onto this epic…

Women’s title match: Melina v. Ashley

Melina bails quickly and gets tossed in by the lumberjacks, but comes back with the choke in the corner. Why oh why must they debut their talentless divas at Wrestlemania? More choking from Ashley, and Melina chokes her in response. Really, they need to sign all the losers from Flavor of Love, because THEN you’d get some entertaining catfights rather than this crap. Surfboard from Melina, who can at least kind of work a match. The crowd is dead silent for this trainwreck, as Ashley misses an elbow on par with that of Jerry Sags. Ashley rolls her up for two, but Melina reverses for the pin to mercifully end it. This gets nothing and likes it. DUD

RAW World title: John Cena v. Shawn Michaels

Despite an entrance where Cena (supposedly) drives a car into the arena and through the WM logo, the crowd STILL boos the guy. And Shawn Michaels is ORANGE, that’s just begging for someone to mock him, and yet even though they’re given a softball like that, the crowd still chooses to boo Cena instead. Slugfest to start is won by Michaels and appendixed with a crotch crop, and Shawn is the clear babyface. Cena tries a suplex, but Shawn dodges, ducks, dips, dives and dodges and slugs him back down. Shawn starts on the arm and takes him down with a headlock and controls on the mat, but Cena comes back with a clothesline. Shawn gets all pissed, however, and takes him down with a Thesz Press, then necksnaps him on the top. They head to the floor and Shawn gets an enzuigiri by the tables, and follows with a moonsault press. Back in, Shawn acknowledges the ref’s warning by using a forearm instead of a fist in the corner, and then blocks a kick by hammering his knee, and now Shawn has a target. Nice spot as Shawn wraps Cena’s knee around the post, but does it to the OUTSIDE of the knee to really punish it. Back in, he drops some knees on Cena’s knee and evades Cena’s strikes, giving him some de-motivational speech in the corner. Cena’s selling here is great, by the way. Shawn keeps throwing chops and Cena replies, which gives us the “Yay / Boo” thing again. Shawn wisely keeps on the knee as JR notes that a one-legged man can’t be WWE champion. Hey, what about Zach Gowen? That’s a clear discrimination case!

Shawn charges in and hits the post, drawing blood, and Cena pounces on the cut because he’s a cheap bastard. Shoulderblocks from Cena and the backdrop suplex set up the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Shawn escapes a potential FU. The ref is superkicked out of the ring, and another FU attempt is countered into a DDT with no ref. Now Shawn means business and he pulls the stairs apart and gets a particularly vicious piledriver on them. Cena is bleeding from the top of his head in a nice touch. They send in another ref, and that gets two. Yes, not even splitting Cena’s skull open can beat him. Shawn gets the forearm and kips up, trying to play cocky heel but getting cheered. Flying elbow and it appears to be superkick time, but Cena blocks it with a lariat. They slug it out and Cena tries the FU, but Shawn reverses to a rollup for two. Shawn tries a leapfrog, however, and Cena is able to reverse that into the FU successfully. That gets two. They head up and Cena wants one from the top, but Shawn elbows out of it and comes down with a high cross, which Cena rolls through into another FU. Shawn escapes and it’s an awesome sequence with them fighting for the STFU until Shawn rolls him up for two. Shawn misses the enzuigiri and Cena gets the STFU, but Shawn is too close to the ropes. Cena stops to argue with the ref and gets superkicked, but that only gets two. Both guys are out, but they will themselves up and Cena goes for another FU, and another STFU, and this time Shawn has nowhere to go and taps at 28:21. Shit, the one time I was cheering for Shawn Michaels and they wasted it. Cena’s best match ever, without a doubt, and probably the Match of the Year. ****3/4 It delivered everything it promised and then some.

The Pulse:

As I noted before the show, if the Money in the Bank and main event delivered, then the show could be considered worth the money, and not only did they deliver, but Batista v. Undertaker was a serious contender for match of the night as well, which makes this an easy thumbs up. For sure check out Cena v. HBK, however, because it was probably Shawn’s last shot in the Wrestlemania main event and he brought the goods.
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